Food Horrors

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by Eliana:

My husband told me he'd found a cute little croissant shop for us to try for breakfast. The whole family was excited when we left the hotel the next morning. When we arrived, it wasn't crowded which surprised me in such a touristy area. There were indeed hundreds or thousands of croissants inside, on racks organized by filling. Plain, chocolate, manzana (apple), etc.

Just one problem. At least two hundred bees.

All over the food, plus flying around the air. I tried to be cool and get croissants from the non-infested racks. This proved impossible. Some shelves had just one bee to every three croissants. Others had ten bees per croissant. I can honestly say, I'll be having nightmares for the rest of my life.

Also, I somehow did buy four croissants. They weren't very good.

Dear readers, please share your stories of disgusting or terrifying food experiences. Solidarity will help us all to heal.


Eliana Osborn was raised on cold weather and wild animals in Anchorage, Alaska, setting the stage for her adult life in the Sunniest Place on Earth in Arizona. She grew up in the church and didn't know there were places where conformity was preached. She has degrees. She writes. She teaches. She has some kids. She even has a husband. She's trying to do her best. Twitter: Eliana0Eliana. Website: elianaosborn.com.
Image credit: poppet with a camera (used with permission).

Giveaway Winner: Valley Food Storage 72-Hour Kit

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The good folks over at Valley Food Storage recently contacted us about a partnership. After requesting and sampling some of their food, we were on board. What really sets Valley apart, in our opinion, is the quality of their product - see for yourself how they stack up against other food storage companies.

For this giveaway, Valley Food Storage is rewarding one MMM reader with a two-person 72-Hour Kit, valued at almost $150. And the lucky winner is:

Andrea S (see comment here) - congratulations!

Giveaway Guidelines:
• Winner must respond via email with their address by Friday, February 13th to claim the kit.
• Kit will be mailed directly to winner at Valley's cost if within the United States.

Giveaway: Valley Food Storage 72-Hour Kit

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The good folks over at Valley Food Storage recently contacted us about a partnership. After requesting and sampling some of their food, we were on board. What really sets Valley apart, in our opinion, is the quality of their product - see for yourself how they stack up against other food storage companies.

For this giveaway, Valley Food Storage is rewarding one MMM reader with a two-person 72-Hour Kit, valued at almost $150. Giveaway guidelines are below.

Giveaway Guidelines:
• Leave a comment on this post.
• Seven days to enter (closes Sunday, February 8th at midnight).
• Winner announced Monday, February 9th.
• Winner must respond via email with their address by Friday, February 13th to claim the kit.
• Kit will be mailed directly to winner at Valley's cost if within the United States.

Happy Thanksgiving in 32 GIFs!

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by Scott Heffernan:

It's Thanksgiving! Yay!

It's important to spend quality time with family…

And stay connected to your siblings.

Empty Calories

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by ldsbishop:

For the past two years my wife and I have given up refined sugar for Lent. It isn't a Christian tradition that Mormons follow but we thought it would be a good idea to have an excuse to keep healthy with the added benefit of giving us the opportunity to think of the Saviour whenever we started jonesing for the white stuff.

The entire process was hellish. I would look for any excuse to cram some sugar into my body. In the end, I justified that Green & Blacks organic chocolate contained organic raw cane sugar which was less addictive, therefore nowhere near as bad for me (right? right!). If you disagree that refined sugar is addictive, try giving it up for over a month. The fact is, sugar can be addictive the same way heroin or cocaine can be and it is a cause of increasing health problems in western society.

Anyway, this isn't going to be a rant about sugar, but the process of attempting to give it up for a month made me consider some of the other figurative empty calories that we consume on a regular basis and struggle to get away from. There can even be many such examples in the Church.

Google Saves Marriages

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by Pete Codella:

We were out to dinner with friends. My wife was delivering a glowing review for a new restaurant we had tried with another couple a few months ago. She was convinced the restaurant we had liked so much was called Ho Hut, but then came around to the idea of it being Hu Hot.

It's been a joke with us since we ate there, a hut for hoes? No, that wasn't it. What was the name of that place?

It was a place we really liked, where you pick fresh veggies and pile 'em high in your bowl, then they grill them in front of you on a large rotating round grill with a handful of cooks moving around, spraying the grill with water to clean it off, then oil to season and sauté the veggies. It's an Asian stir fry joint.

I was convinced the place was called Hu Hut.

In front of our friends, we proceeded to stake out claims on the real name of the restaurant.

They were laughing and we were verbally sparing.

Finally I said, "Fine. I'll Google it."

Then my friend chimed in:

Google has saved our marriage so many times. There's really no need to argue any longer when a quick Google check on your smartphone can get you the right answer.

True enough.

For the record: The restaurant we enjoyed so much is called HuHot Mongolian Grill. It's a restaurant chain. You should check it out if there's one by you. Be prepared to be very full when you leave, even though it doesn't seem like you've got a very big bowl to fill with food.

Debate over. Name found. Now on with our double-date. It was a splendid evening.

And both of us—my friend and his wife and me and my wife—are still happily married. Thank you, Google.


Pete Codella: I've lived in New York, Texas, Nevada, Idaho, Wyoming and Utah. I've traveled to four continents, shopped in Fez, parasailed in Tunisia, eaten caviar in Moscow and would love to visit my namesake and great-grandfather's stomping grounds in Italy. I was married in the Salt Lake LDS Temple four years after graduating from BYU, so you could argue at one point I was a ‘menace to the community.’ I'm a former singing gondolier at The Venetian in Las Vegas and BYU Young Ambassador. I work in digital public relations and travel to consult and speak about corporate communications and social media. I graduated in 2013 from the University of Utah's Executive MBA program. My awesome wife and I have two great kids, currently twelve and eight and full of life. Twitter: @codella.

Returning with … Difficulty: Missionaries, Going Home, and Macaroni and Cheese

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by Shawn Tucker:

A recently returned missionary attended my Institute class last week, and my heart went out to him. He looked so poorly adjusted and dejected. We had the same conversation that I seem to have with many recently returned missionaries. And, of course, that conversation was about macaroni and cheese.

My 11-year-old loves macaroni and cheese from the box. Thin noodles, often poorly cooked, sauce that is usually too thin, and that orange color that looks like it is made from pulverized Martian soil—my son just eats bowl after bowl of it. In contrast I love a nice homemade macaroni and cheese. Something with a good, full macaroni noodle and with a well-balanced sauce made from white, extra sharp Vermont cheddar. Others like theirs with a nice crust on top or maybe the three cheese sauce, but you get the picture.

I talk about macaroni and cheese from a box and the homemade variety with recently returned missionaries because this describes my coming home experience. I had spent two years with a steady diet of that rich, flavorful, spiritual homemade macaroni and cheese, and all I could seem to get when I got home was the stuff from the box. The spiritual letdown that came with coming home left me feeling hungry for mission life. The post-mission life was thin, starchy noodles in bland, thin, and weirdly colored sauce. After I got home, I took a job delivering pizza, and the irony of going from bringing families the blessings of eternity to showing up with a pepperoni and extra cheese was often painful.

Part of the problem with coming home is how hard it is to feel disappointed around the people you love. I was so glad to see my family and to finally sit with them and enjoy their company. Arriving at the airport back in the United States and seeing them again is something I’ll always cherish. But after being home for some time, I began to feel disappointed in how unsatisfying post-mission life was, and it was hard to feel disappointed around those who are glad that you are home. (I attempted to write humorously about this conflict here.)

Just helping that rather disoriented recently returned missionary understand his experience as a contrast between different forms of macaroni and cheese seemed helpful. At least he didn’t feel so alone in dealing with the challenges of returning home. He and I talked about how it is really impossible to enjoy the fullness of mission-life blessings outside of its required discipline and particular discipleship. It also seemed helpful to remind him that there are times when he can re-taste some of what he felt as a missionary, but it was equally important to help him develop the expectation that such moments are meant to be temporary. He has to go to school or work, and he has to date and watch movies and read books beyond those approved for missionaries. He has to return to the world. If his experience is like mine, he might learn to appreciate the macaroni and cheese from a box for what it is without losing his taste for the wonderful, homemade stuff.


Shawn Tucker grew up with amazing parents and five younger, wonderful siblings. He served as a missionary in Chile during the Plebiscite and the first post-dictatorship election. After his mission, he attended BYU, where he married ... you guessed it ... his wife. They both graduated, with Shawn earning a BA in Humanities. Fearing that his BA in Humanities, which is essentially a degree in Jeopardy, would not be sufficient, Shawn completed graduate work in the same ... stuff ... at Florida State University. He currently teaches at Elon University in North Carolina. He and ... you guessed it ... his wife have four great children. Twitter: @MoTabEnquirer. Website: motabenquirer.blogspot.com.
Image credit: Emran Kassim (modified by Scott Heffernan, used with permission).

MMM Library: Welcome Casserole

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by Bishop Higgins:

Brother Royal Samuelson, executive secretary, calls members of the ward for various reasons. This time, to bring over a welcome casserole.



This post was originally published on May 16, 2011.


Bishop Gerald Higgins is the bishop of the 3rd Ward and the first thing you should know is that Bishop Higgins loves Jesus. Also apple juice, marching bands and things that are soothing, like sunsets, the holy spirit, and hand lotion. Now, hasn't he met you before? Perhaps 2.5 million years ago in the pre-existence. It seems you've changed some since you've taken on this mortal coil. Remember how we could never wear hats in the pre-existence? Too windy. Twitter: @bishophiggins. Blog: bishophiggins.blogspot.com.

May You Be Nourished and Strengthened After Reading

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by Lauren Johnson:

If they had trademarked it, just think how rich the person who coined the term "Nourish and Strengthen" would be. (I gave it caps there for respect). What if he/she had a penny for every time it was said? Millionaires, they'd be millionaires!

How in the world did we all agree that the best way to bless the food was to ask God that it  Nourish and Strengthen our bodies? Was there a sustaining vote? How did this three-word term get so solidified in the books of LDS prayer?

Do we really feel we should bless the mint fudge brownies at the linger-longer to Nourish and Strengthen us? Do the non-member visitors (I don't like the word "investigators") at the linger-longers think it's hilarious? Probably. Shouldn't we bless the brownies instead to not make us sick, or increase the circumference of our muffin top? Do any of us prayer-memorizers actually say Nourish and Strengthen in real life? (unless you're talking about shampoo, please don't say yes).

So many questions, I know. But now, here's a proposal. I think it's time for a "Say No to Nourish and Strengthen" campaign. The world must be full of other wonderful, and equally nourishing, terms we can use when we bless the food.

a quick brainstorm gives me:
"energize and stabilize"
"metabolize and digest"
"help" (Yup. One word. It's brilliant. Please bless this food that it will "help" our bodies.)

We Didn't Start The Fire

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by Kyle:

We're taught that "if ye are prepared, ye shall not fear." It's one of those verses that I rarely think about, that is until its too late …

There I was just minding my own business just after midnight, engaged in a pleasant battle of Call of Duty, when my apartment building's fire alarm starts blaring. Now of course I had the same reaction as 97% of the rest of the world when they hear a fire alarm: "Honey, where's the remote, I can't hear the TV."

Luckily my wife went to open our front door to look out into the hallway, and that's when we realized we might want to take this seriously. There was smoke in the hallway. Not billowing smoke, but just enough to make it a bit hazy. And it tasted like burning.

That set off our internal fire alarms, also known as panic. My wife dashes to our daughter's bedroom to wake her and bundle her up for the inevitable standing outside in the cold. I stood there in the middle of our living room trying to think of what to do.

"I should probably put on some pants," I thought to myself. Yes, pants, good idea! What do I grab now? The Xbox? Should I pause my game, or just turn it off? No, not the Xbox, idiot. Grab the seven seasons of West Wing DVDs! No, no that's not practical. The confusion in my mind gave my wife ample time to return to the living room to find me still pantless, to which she suggested I get dressed and grab our laptops (because literally our entire lives are on them) and get the baby stroller and get out of here.

Confession of an LDS Smoker

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by Casey Peterson:

Sunday as the church meeting I was sitting in was drawing near a conclusion, I began to get fidgety and anxious. I had trouble focusing on the words of the closing song, and at the final "amen" of the prayer, I bolted for the door with smoking on my mind. Upon taking care of business at home, I rushed back to church and slipped into my seat just as the next meeting was starting. I immediately was aghast as I realized the upturned noses, the sidelong glances, and the accusatory expressions of those whose senses had tipped them off to evidence of smoking. That day, it was ribs over mesquite chips, though I had debated about salmon over pine chips, or even a tri-tip over apple wood. The euphoria of slowly letting the smoking flavor permeate and tenderize the meat was a tantalizing temptation I had to fight through for the duration of my meetings.

The Word of Wisdom teaches us in Doctrine and Covenants89:12 that meat is "ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used sparingly." I take that a couple of ways.  First, the better I can make my meat taste, the more thanksgiving I can have in my heart (and stomach). Second, if I am to quantify the amount "sparingly," that means eliminating marginal, tough, greasy, or tasteless varieties. I raise my own meat and enjoy knowing I am eating a healthy, organic, tender, and lean piece of meat that has been raised with thanksgiving, kindness, and appreciation. However, one of my former BYU students introduced me to smoking, a process of curing, tenderizing, and flavoring the meat in a beautiful way.  This was a startling revelation to me, as I usually detest strongly any smoke smell. I was the scout trying to avoid campfire smoke, and in a hurry to wash it off as soon as I got home. I abhor tobacco smoke; it literally will make me vomit faster than any other smell.  Smoking cigarettes was never a temptation or even a physical possibility for me ever in my life. And every year the part I dread most about working on my farm is the horrible smell of burning hair during branding. Simply put, I hate smoke of any kind.

Yet, the flavor and tenderness of smoked meat is undeniably delightful and delicious. I researched and purchased a smoker, and then found that smoking chips are available in a variety of flavors. Mesquite, hickory, apple, pine, cedar, or cherry wood all offer a different pungent flavoring. I researched which ones work best with which types of meat and love the mixing and matching that produces such wonderful results.

And so with my marinating brines to pre-soak the meat, with my racks in my smoker, and with a plethora of different types of wood chips to elevate my meat to a whole new level, I can proudly say with gratitude and thanksgiving in my heart and stomach that I am an active and honorable LDS smoker, obeying and honoring the Word of Wisdom the best way I can. I am part of a barbecue brotherhood extending from the asados of Argentina, to the barbacoa of Mexico, across the plains of Texas where my fellow MMM contributor Dustin serves as a ranger of the rotisserie.

Casey Peterson is the Director of the BYU Center for Service and Learning where he loves working with over 22,000 BYU students learning life lessons through service and volunteerism. Casey is completing his doctoral degree at BYU in Educational Leadership, which gives him the unique current status at BYU of being a student, teacher, and administrator. Casey is married with 5 beautiful children who stay busy through church, sports, and community activities along with their work on the small family farm they operate in Salem, Utah. Twitter: @cpeter1.
 Image credits: Dennis Skley, Kevin Dooley (used with permission).

Guest Post: Fresh Asparagus and Sweet Oblivion

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I recently travelled to a meeting in Boston and on the last leg of the trip sat next to the original Chatty Cathy. I would never classify myself as being good about steering a conversation towards a gospel discussion—I'm usually the guy with his nose in a book. But on this occasion Cathy opened the door so wide that even I couldn't avoid taking the plunge.

We discussed many things, but spent a fair bit of time talking about was how different individuals can experience the very same events, and one will come away moved and inspired while the other will be completely un-phased by the experience. She was also Christian and I pointed out the challenges all Christians have in recognizing the hand of God in the mundane details of life. It was a really enjoyable flight. I think we were both enriched by the experience, having each resolved to pay more attention to these things.

As I've thought about that conversation, I am reminded of a couple of endocrine analogies to missing the clues that are all around us. The first is the drug propylthiouracil. PTU is a drug that is used to treat hyperthyroidism. One of the properties of this drug is its incredibly bitter taste. For most people, no matter how fast you swallow or how much water you chug with the pill, it tastes horrible. Yet a genetic polymorphism causes a subset of the population to taste nothing—even if they chew it. Another good example of this phenomenon is a genetic polymorphism that prevents some people (myself included) from smelling ketone bodies on the breath of a patient with diabetic ketoacidosis. This fruity smell is a dead giveaway and allows some endocrinologists to diagnose a patient without even checking the blood glucose.

I think the best example of all is the smell of urine within minutes of eating asparagus (here for a good article). Asparagus contains large amounts of asparagusic acid, which generates a volatile sulfuric metabolite that creates the unforgettable smell of asparagus urine. Strangely enough 50-75% of asparagus eaters smell nothing unusual after even the largest helping. Once again, these folks lack the genetic coding that allows them to detect that pungent aroma of asparagus pee.

Guest Post: I Was Blind, But Now I See

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A friend died, unexpectedly, while I was in North Carolina on my Spring Break.

He was only fifty-one. He was a professional bass player from Dallas. I knew him because he played with the Utah Festival Opera and Musical Theater, a group I have been playing with in the beautiful summers of Logan for the past four years.

After learning about his passing, I immediately pictured his turkey from two years previous.

His turkey? you might ask.
Yes, his turkey, I'd respond.

Scott cooked a mean turkey, and by that I mean he cooked an incredibly juicy and delectable bird that, though normally only eaten in November, was so entirely om-nom-nom, Scott could totally pull off cooking and feeding it to us in July.

It was an amazingly tasty turkey. I could rant and rave about it for years. I can taste it like it was yesterday. Mmm.

In fact, I remember quite clearly that I was flooding Scott with all sorts of compliments one afternoon about it, so much so that he revealed to me the secret ingredient of his incomparable fowl:

Beer.

Which is funny because I'm Mormon, meaning I don't drink alcohol, which makes me laugh almost to the point of tears, because it only confirms that if I weren't Mormon, I'd be a raging alcoholic. If beer can make turkey taste that good, I know I would be adding it to everything. Beer ice cream? Beer quesadillas? Bring. It. On.

How to Use Your Turkey Leftovers

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by Seattle Jon:

F. Scott Fitzgerald — author of The Great Gatsby — was also an unsuspected gourmand. Here come 13 irreverent ideas for how to use your turkey leftovers, found in Fitzgerald's 1945 collection of essays, notebook excerpts and letters, The Crack-Up:

At this post holiday season, the refrigerators of the nation are overstuffed with large masses of turkey, the sight of which is calculated to give an adult an attack of dizziness. It seems, therefore, an appropriate time to give the owners the benefit of my experience as an old gourmet, in using this surplus material. Some of the recipes have been in my family for generations. They were collected over years, from old cook books, yellowed diaries of the Pilgrim Fathers, mail order catalogues, golf-bags and trash cans. Not one but has been tried and proven — there are headstones all over America to testify to the fact.

Turkey Cocktail: To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of angostura bitters. Shake.

Turkey à la Francais: Take a large ripe turkey, prepare as for basting and stuff with old watches and chains and monkey meat. Proceed as with cottage pudding.

Turkey and Water: Take one turkey and one pan of water. Heat the latter to the boiling point and then put in the refrigerator. When it has jelled, drown the turkey in it. Eat. In preparing this recipe it is best to have a few ham sandwiches around in case things go wrong.

Turkey Mongole: Take three butts of salami and a large turkey skeleton, from which the feathers and natural stuffing have been removed. Lay them out on the table and call up some Mongole in the neighborhood to tell you how to proceed from there.

Turkey Mousse: Seed a large prone turkey, being careful to remove the bones, flesh, fins, gravy, etc. Blow up with a bicycle pump. Mount in becoming style and hang in the front hall.

Stolen Turkey: Walk quickly from the market, and, if accosted, remark with a laugh that it had just flown into your arms and you hadn't noticed it. Then drop the turkey with the white of one egg—well, anyhow, beat it.

Turkey à la Crême: Prepare the crême a day in advance. Deluge the turkey with it and cook for six days over a blast furnace. Wrap in fly paper and serve.

Pie Personality Test 2.0 (Updated)

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by Casey Peterson:

Every year as I approach Thanksgiving, I am struck by the correlation of personality types to pie selections. Last year I published on MMM my Pie Personality Test 1.0. I received generally positive feedback, but also received several requests for other types of pie not represented. So with Thanksgiving approaching, I submit Pie Personality Test 2.0 for your reading pleasure.

You Are Apple Pie

You're the perfect combo of comforting and traditional.
You prefer things the way you've always known them.
You'll admit that you're old fashioned, and you don't see anything wrong with that.
Your tastes and preferences are classic. And classic never goes out of style.

Those who like you crave security.
People can rely on you to be true to yourself - and true to them.
You're loyal, trustworthy, and comfortable in your own skin.
And because of these qualities, you've definitely earned a lot of respect.

You Are Pumpkin Pie

You're the perfect combo of uniqueness and quality.
You're able to relate to many types of people with many different tastes.
But you're by no means generic or ordinary.
In fact, you're one of the most original people around.

Those who like you are looking for something (or someone) special.
You tend confuse people when they first meet you. But you're not as complicated as you seem.
Even though you have a lot of spice and flavor to you, you're never overpowering.
You are a calm and comforting force in people's lives.

You Are Cream Pie

You're the perfect combo of simplicity and divinity.
You are a secret hedonist. No one knows how indulgent you can be.
You don't indulge often, but when you do, you go for the best.
You have expensive taste - even if you aren't rich.

Those who like you live for understated pleasures. You're not flashy or trendy, but you have a depth that most people lack.
Interacting with you makes most people feel incredibly satisfied.
You are gentle, super sweet, and in harmony with those around you.

Manly Recipes: Bacon Jam

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by Kyle:

You may remember that last month MMM put out a reader survey, which hopefully you all participated in because MMM is awesome, right? After looking over some of the responses, there was one, seriously, only one, that responded that they'd like to see more "manly recipes." So, my lone friend, I am here for you.

I love to cook. I'm not saying that I could win a season of MasterChef, but I enjoy cooking when things don't catch on fire. I also, like every good and worthy man, love bacon. A few years back a friend gave me 10 pounds, TEN POUNDS, of bacon as a Christmas gift (bless him). With more bacon than I knew what to do with, I scoured the internet (the first page of a Google search) for interesting ways to use the bacon. That's when I came across Bacon Jam.

If you haven't had Bacon Jam then you haven't heard Shakespeare the way it was meant to be played, that is, if Shakespeare was bacon. To start you on your journey to tastebud exaltation, here's what you'll need:

• 2 lbs. bacon, cut into one inch pieces prior to cooking
• 3 cloves of garlic, peeled and smashed
• 1 large yellow onion, diced
• ½ cup pure maple syrup. Now I'm not talking about Mrs. Butterworth or Aunt Jemima here. You need pure maple syrup, only the good stuff.
• ½ cup cider vinegar
• ½ cup brown sugar

If you have a dutch oven, it's perfect for cooking Bacon Jam, if not you'll need a large pot and a frying pan.

Start by browning your bacon. Be sure not to completely crispify it, as you want it to continue to cook with all the other ingredients. Once done transfer your bacon to a paper towel and drain off the bacon grease, leaving about 2 tablespoons. Keep the rest of the bacon grease, you'll use it later.

In the leftover bacon grease in your pan, cook your diced onions and smashed garlic. Cook until onions are translucent. When the onions are nice and soft, add in the vinegar, brown sugar, and maple syrup, bringing to a boil, scraping off any bits on the bottom of your pan. (If you're not using a dutch oven, you'll want to transfer everything to larger pot for simmering.) Add in as much of the remaining bacon grease as you'd like. You can go all-in, or just add in another few spoonfuls, but remember this isn't a diet recipe, and bacon grease is all flavor, all the time.

Guest Post: Tales from Cuyahoga 4 - What's My Whitebread

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Reed Soper was born and raised in southern California. He considered attending the Lord's University but opted for BYU instead where he met Kathryn Lynard doing his home teaching. They married in 1992 and have seven children. Friends and loved ones often describe Reed as "difficult" or "a slow learner." In his spare time, he likes (virgin) pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Don't miss Reed's previous guest posts.

There are two types of mission stories – inspirational and funny. I like to save the inspirational ones for church talks.
- Reed Soper

Do you know what happens when products at the "day old" bakery get to be two days old? They get donated. In Toledo, Ohio, in the winter of 1986, a ward member worked at the bakery and got the products donated to the missionaries. This is a story of gluttony, greed and stale donuts.

The Toledo Zone was comprised of eight areas and sixteen companionships, and Elder W-R and I were called to be Zone Leaders. We had known each other for more than a year and looked forward to our service together. One of our tasks each Saturday was to pick up the sorted bags of baked goods to distribute to the missionaries the following day. The member had painstakingly gone through the effort of ensuring that each of the eight bags contained essentially the same thing. The same amount of white bread, wheat bread, and baked treats. A sort of day old law of consecration, if you will.

A New Menu Item That's Spiritual

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by Bishop Higgins (bio)

You know how in church, when someone is conducting, they will announce the speaker and then say, "After which, we will hear from ...". Well I don't know about you, but that always makes me hungry.

So finally I've done something about it. I've invented a new sandwich I'm calling "The Afterwhich." It's roast beef on rye, but with capers instead of horse radish. And, it's to be eaten immediately following sacrament meeting. After which, you can enjoy Sunday School.

Fast Offerings

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by Eliana (bio)

I know the purpose of fast offerings: President Gordon B. Hinckley has said that if the principles of fast day and the fast offering were observed throughout the world, "the hungry would be fed, the naked clothed, the homeless sheltered. Our burden of taxes would be lightened. The giver would not suffer but would be blessed by [this] small abstinence. A new measure of concern and unselfishness would grow in the hearts of people everywhere. Can anyone doubt the divine wisdom that created this program which has blessed the people of this church as well as many who are not members of this church?" (1991)

I know the stated expectation of amount: "An important reason for fasting is to contribute the amount saved from the meals not eaten to care for the poor and the needy." L. Tom Perry, 1986

I even know the optional super-sized version: "Sometimes we have been a bit penurious, and figured that we had for breakfast one egg and that cost so many cents and then we give that to the Lord. I think that when we are affluent, as many of us are, … we ought to be very, very generous … and give, instead of the amount we saved by our two meals of fasting, perhaps much, much more—ten times more where we are in a position to do it." Spencer W. Kimball, 1974

At my house, no one fasts. Another subject for another day. The cost of food is something like $10 for a day of meals for our family. If you take out dinner, let's say like $5. That seems like a silly fast offering, even if multiplied by every single person in my ward.

Of all things done with my financial contributions, I feel most strongly about fast offerings. It seems like the purest of Christ-like charity. It shouldn't matter what others are contributing, but I do wonder. People are weird talking about money, so I'm wary of bringing it up.

If you aren't comfortable sharing a specific dollar amount that you give as fast offerings, how about a percentage? I give 1%. That is neither right nor wrong, just where it is for now. I'm thinking about it a lot though and would love to hear your thoughts.

Get To Know Your Ward Members: A German!

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by Bishop Higgins (bio)

Photograph by Heather Cowper

Niklas Gert just moved into our ward all the way from Altötting, Germany. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. That's a funny name for a town. You know what name I like for a town? Paris, which is a town in Idaho. And the reason I like it is because it reminds me of that town in France called Paris.

Niklas will be a great addition to our ward. He's a full tithe payer and has a funny accent.

Brother Gert has a number of successful restaurants in Germany and is planning on opening a couple restaurants here in Provo. He told me these will be a new idea, and something he feels would only work in this part of the world. His first restaurant will be called "Ox in the Mire" and it's only going to be open on Sunday. His second restaurant will be a men-only restaurant, and instead of sitting at tables to eat, once you get your food, you'll just stand over a sink and eat your food there.

We wish him all the best.