Tools for Dealing with Pornography Struggles (Specifically After a Mission)

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by Anonymous:

Someone I know recently returned from a mission. He loved being a missionary and found great joy and satisfaction in doing the Lord’s work. He also experienced no or nearly no struggles with pornography. This was remarkable in part because it had been a struggle before his mission. Now that he’s home, he’s glad for how much he has learned and grown and glad to “have that behind him.” Sort of. What he has found, instead, is that getting home from a mission for many young people means, unfortunately, a return to previous struggles. This is devastating for some, since they believed that this difficulty would never plague them again. Here are some tips that might help a young person—male or female—who finds that this struggle is not in the past.

1. Find some sort of peace with this struggle

It is painful to feel like, no, that struggle is not in the past, especially after all you have done, learned, and experienced. I’m sorry, but having that struggle is just there, and it may not go away any time soon. Finding peace with that struggle does not mean liking it. It means not feeling guilty that you have it. Perhaps talking with Heavenly Father as openly and honestly as you can about it will help you see its role and place in your life. Perhaps making peace with it is realizing that it is a struggle that will call forth your courage, diligence, patience, and compassion. Perhaps it is resistance or weight that will help you develop strength.

2. Don’t use the devil’s tools to do the Lord’s work

Thank You for My … (Warning: Breach of Male Code of Silence)

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by Shawn Tucker:

We all love being guys all of the time and would never want that to be different and we love everything about being a guy (and if not, we have our male code of silence to prevent us from admitting otherwise).

One of the many, many reasons we are glad we are guys is because we don't have those body image problems that women have. None of us. Ever. (Okay, we all know that that is not true at all. In fact we all feel unattractive many times. Feeling unattractive makes us feel undesirable and maybe even unlovable. Good thing we never have to talk about it.)

It is always great being a guy because you can play shirts-and-skins to distinguish teams and you never feel self-conscious about it. (I pretty much always felt some shame taking off my shirt. As a teenager I felt that I was scrawny and chicken-chested. Now I feel fat and like I have a forest of disgusting, troll-like chest hair/fur.)

Invasion of the Body Waxers

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by Eliana:

Driving from Spanish Fork, Utah, all the way to Idaho Falls, Idaho, I start feeling like I need some sort of enhancement procedures. I don’t love how I look generally but I accept it; then on I-15 I see all my options for boob jobs, fat sucking, teeth whitening, plus some things involving lasers that I don’t quite understand.

Contradictions: Bodies are temples, gifts from God. We should keep them clean and perfect. No tattoos, minimal piercing, covered generally, with hair and makeup ‘tasteful’ and discrete.

So what about teeth whitening? Is it ok because it isn’t permanent, like hair color? Acrylic nails have no point beyond aesthetics, yet they are definitely widespread among all generations in my ward. Again, they are temporary additions to the body rather than permanent alterations.

How do we justify breast enhancement? Do we need to justify it or is it just a personal decision? How do we explain surgery for no medical purpose, to change our God given physical appearance? I don’t have an answer here—I have no problem with a woman doing something to make her feel more confident. But the message I hear, at least given to the youth, is that beyond general hygiene and social mores, our appearance shouldn’t matter.

Gender Incongruence and the LDS Church: Frontier of Understanding (Parts 1-4)

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by Russ Peterson:

Note: This is the full installment of this week's multi-part post. Parts 1, 2, 3 & 4 here, here, here and here.

In The Family: A Proclamation to the World, the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve have taught that "gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose." Although we are accustomed to thinking of this doctrine as unique to the LDS tradition, it is in fact among the first truths recorded in scripture:

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them (Genesis 1:27).

The image of God, which includes male and female, is the image and pattern after which God created Adam and Eve, whereupon which He commanded them to multiply and replenish the earth (Genesis 1:28). Latter-day Saints believe the family is "ordained of God." In other words, we hold the family—consisting of man, woman, and children—to be divinely organized by God for the accomplishment of His work, which is to "bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man" (Moses 1:39).

The fact that man and woman act together in the creation of life is in accordance with divine design. Latter-day Saints believe that sexual relations within the bonds of matrimony constitute a sacrament of marriage, binding two souls together according to the covenant they have made. This pattern, instituted of God for the happiness of His children, neither originated in nor concludes with the mortal sphere. According to the plan of happiness, the family is the fundamental social unit both in time and eternity.

For the vast majority of His children, the nuclear family—consisting of man, woman and children—is congruent with individual development in terms of biology, identity, and attraction. For example, most individuals that appear to be male have functional male sexual anatomy, experience an internal sense of being male, as well as feelings of attraction toward women. Conversely, most individuals that appear to be female have functional female sexual anatomy, experience an internal sense of being female, as well as feelings of attraction toward men. For the purposes of this article, I will refer to this agreement of biology, identity, and attraction as gender congruence.

Gender congruence is so common to the human experience that it is difficult for many to imagine a state of incongruence between biology, gender, and attraction. Furthermore, gender congruence—the most common outcome of human development—is so innate to personal experience that few individuals outside the social sciences even become aware that biology, gender, and attraction are separate constructs that can and do develop independently of each other.

When we consider the central role of procreation in the Plan of Happiness along with the declaration that "gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose," it should not surprise us to realize that these teachings undergird a set of cultural beliefs within the Church about those whose experiences are different from the gender congruent majority. These beliefs might be summarized as follows:

1. Since gender "is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal and eternal identity," matters of gender and sex are always clearly defined in the mortal state.
2. A loving Father in Heaven wouldn’t create circumstances that give rise to gender uncertainty, gender incongruence, or same-sex attraction.
3. Uncertainty (or confusion) about sex or gender is a Sign of the Times and/or evidence of the deterioration of society.
4. Gender incongruence proceeds from an individual’s decision to deviate from the Plan of Happiness.

My purpose is to give members of the Church the understanding necessary to "bear one another's burdens" in terms of gender incongruence, just as we are under covenant to do so with regard to every other problem incidental to the mortal sphere. Although I will not be writing in technical terms, some basic biological concepts bear explanation and discussion; my goal is to do so in a manner accessible to the general membership of the Church.

Gender Incongruence and the LDS Church: Frontier of Understanding (Part 4)

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by Russ Peterson:

Note: This is the final installment of a multi-part post. Continued from Parts 1, 2 & 3 here, here and here.

Crossroads

With the recent revolution in thinking about gender incongruence, the world will be increasingly unable to discern our Christianity if it continues to witness the perceived rejection of those who struggle. Thus the Church stands at a cultural crossroads: If it changes its policies toward same-sex marriage or other gender-incongruent situations, the Church risks diluting its focus on the eternal family as it is currently defined. However, if the Church is not perceived as welcoming of gender-incongruent individuals, it will increasingly fail to be seen as a light to the world.

Observing the ever-changing attitudes and values of society—and hopeful for the Second Coming of the Savior—some members of the Church have adopted a defeatist attitude toward the world and the issues set forth herein. Some expect that the Lord will come and save the Saints from having to wrestle with gender incongruence and related challenges.

Church members study the signs of the times and prepare for the return of the Messiah, but ultimately the Lord will come when He chooses. Until then, He has set forth his expectation that, as Saints, we are to study the issues and work out our own salvation. With a perfect knowledge of human development and sexuality, the Lord is neither limited in His capacity to understand nor inclined to judge according to the contracted notions of men. Rather, He loves all of His children and seeks to save each of them. We are not fit for His kingdom until our attitudes fully reflect His. There is much room for growth among Latter-day Saints in the care, love, and welcoming of those with gender incongruence.

When we consider the doctrine that "It is not good that … man should be alone" along with the understanding that gender incongruence (including same-sex attraction) is not purposely chosen, it is clear that for most in the world, the issue of same-sex marriage is viewed not through the lens of righteousness versus wickedness, but rather from the perspective that mutual commitment is worth honoring. Imagine for a moment that the men of the Church were given a commandment to remain single throughout mortality. Would we offer support to them, or would we leave them to carry this burden alone? In either case, what kind of success might we expect? Certainly there is more room for compassion and understanding regarding this issue than is common in our discourse.

Regarding the cultural crossroads at which the Church now stands, we may remember that the Church faced a similar juncture regarding polygamy. When the Church faced a threat to its mission and its very existence over plural marriage, the prophet changed the policy—but not the doctrine—of marriage. The Manifesto clearly outlines the thought process behind the change. Members of the Church were asked to consider whether the entire work of the Church should cease because of the persecution that surrounded the issue of plural marriage. The answer was that the Church would observe the law of the land in order to realize its mission. Are echoes of the past applicable today?

Finally, we return to The Family: A Proclamation to the World, which teaches that "Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation." Earlier we considered one circumstance that called for individual adaptation. Are there others? Is there space for us to acknowledge that certain individual and family situations are beyond doctrinal reconciliation here in mortality? Can we grow such that as Church members we support our brothers and sisters with gender incongruence, offering encouragement and love while withholding judgment? Can we do less and still call ourselves Latter-day Saints?

Gender Incongruence and the LDS Church: Frontier of Understanding (Part 3)

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by Russ Peterson:

Note: This is Part 3 of a multi-part post. Continued from Parts 1 & 2 here and here.

Cultural Beliefs Revisited

Earlier we summarized a set of cultural beliefs within the Church about those whose experiences are different from the gender congruent majority. In light of what we have just considered, let us revisit each of them in turn:

1) Since gender "is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal and eternal identity," matters of gender and sex are always clearly defined in the mortal state.

LDS doctrine asserts that gender is immutable and eternal. This gospel principle suggests an ideal that frequently is not met in mortality. We have considered a few of the many disorders of sex development, along with some of the genetic and hormonal conditions that may seriously complicate matters of sex and gender identity and development. While biological sex, gender, and attraction usually develop according to a pattern that naturally perpetuates life, each is separate. Whether in matters of biological sex, gender identity, or attraction, gender incongruence usually unfolds outside of an individual’s awareness and/or control.

2) A loving Father in Heaven wouldn't create circumstances that give rise to gender uncertainty, gender incongruence, or same-sex attraction.

This is one of the most infatuating and divisive beliefs regarding matters of sex and gender in LDS culture—and certainly one of the most persistent. The belief originates from a misapplication of logic: If the eternal pattern of life and procreation includes perfect agreement between sex, gender, and attraction, how could the children of God—being His creations—experience anything different? Or, in other words, "Why would a loving Father do that to His children?"

The answer is that he wouldn't. And doesn't—any more than He creates war, famine, disease, or natural disasters. Each of these is common to a fallen, mortal state. But the fact that God doesn't create gender incongruence is not to say that many of His children don't experience the same, because they do. Matters of sex, gender, and individual development are not immune from the effects of the Fall.

As a church, we collectively invite nonbelievers to take the proverbial "leap of faith"—to choose to believe in something they have not yet experienced. Many refuse to do so, saying they cannot believe in something without experiencing physical proof. When we say, in effect, that gender incongruence does not exist because we personally haven't experienced it (or because we don't want to believe it exists or because it makes us uncomfortable), are we not essentially making the same mistake? At the very least, we are allowing personal ignorance and biases to interfere with the support and compassion we might otherwise render to our brothers and sisters who struggle with some of the more difficult challenges of mortality.

3) Uncertainty (or confusion) about sex or gender is a Sign of the Times and/or evidence of the deterioration of society.

This has been a common interpretation of the increasing visibility given to matters of gender incongruence, particularly as those outside the gender-congruent majority have been more vocal in asserting their points of view. However, other factors are at play here, and in the interest of our discussion I will observe a few of them.

First, from the scientific community has come the understanding that gender incongruence is neither consciously chosen nor likely to change over time. This understanding has been at odds with the cultural/religious belief (still to be revisited) that gender incongruence proceeds from an individual's decision to deviate from the Plan of Happiness. However, this understanding has prompted a seismic shift in thought about those who struggle with gender incongruence. The effects of that revolution are still being realized.

Second, in our day modern technology increasingly facilitates communication between those with common interests who had previously been unable to connect. This happens not only with regard to gender congruence/incongruence, but also with many other issues, concerns, and interests. Communication networks have provided a voice to many groups who have not previously been accorded an audience in the public square.

Third, when we finally do hear these voices, is it surprising that the gender congruent majority would be uncomfortable with their messages—particularly when they focus on what has been termed "radical self-acceptance"? Or to use the words of one observer: "That's fine if [gay and lesbian individuals] want to live their lives however they want, but do they have to demand that the rest of us accept it and call it normal?"

This question strikes at the heart of the acceptance that gender incongruent individuals seek for themselves. For a frame of reference, recall that several decades ago, left-handed individuals were encouraged (and often forced) to adopt right-handedness because it was viewed as "correct" in the minds of many educators. We might suppose that left-handed individuals disliked this coercion and welcomed the day when they could choose to exercise their preferences without it.

From that frame of reference, we might understand the greater aversion that gender-incongruent individuals have to the messages that they are defective and that they therefore must live their lives according to someone else's determination of what is right for them. For many of these individuals, the process of "coming out" involves an acceptance of self that is likewise a final and deliberate rejection of self-hatred and self-loathing. We might not agree with the message, but from this example hopefully we can understand its context, and how it doesn't stem from a person's desire to be "wicked."

4) Gender incongruence proceeds from an individual's decision to deviate from the Plan of Happiness.

As understanding replaces ignorance, this belief persists primarily among those who cling to tradition over truth, and who prefer to render judgment instead of compassion. Can we pass judgment on that which we haven't experienced? Or can we continue to deny the reality of gender incongruence because we haven't personally experienced it? Does personal discomfort prevent us from rendering Christlike compassion?

Not always but often, discomfort with a particular issue can be an indication of inner conflict. Being at peace with our own individual sexuality can help us think clearly and render support without judgment to those whose struggles might be very different from our own.

Gender Incongruence and the LDS Church: Frontier of Understanding (Part 2)

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by Russ Peterson:

Note: This is Part 2 of a multi-part post. Continued from Part 1 here.

Gender and Individual Identity

Consider for a moment the experience of an individual with androgen insensitivity syndrome—one of the disorders of sex development described in the previous section. These individuals that are genetically male (with X and Y chromosomes) nevertheless develop as females, along with outwardly female sexual anatomy. Most do not become aware of their condition until they are medically examined to find the cause of infertility when they are trying to conceive children.

Imagine what it might be like to grow up normally as a female, only to learn during adulthood that you are genetically male, and that your female gender presentation is due to a genetic error. In the context of the current discussion, imagine further what we might say should such an individual express feelings of gender confusion (e.g., that the externally manifested gender did not match the individual's internal experience).³

This illustration helps us separate the concept of biological sex from that of gender identity. Whereas biological sex refers primarily to sexual anatomy and physical characteristics, gender identity refers to an individual's internal experience of gender. Most often gender identity is consistent with biological sex, but sometimes it is not. For reasons not clearly understood, there are cases where the inner sense of gender identity does not match the outward manifestation of biological sex. Interestingly, most often this incongruence cannot be explained by a recognized disorder of sex development spoken of in the previous section.

What we do know is that gender formation and identity are highly influenced by culture. That is, parents typically convey to children expectations about gender in accordance with a child's biological sex; thus children learn to identify with a particular gender based on these experiences and expectations. Furthermore, gender identification happens early in a child's development—well before the age of 8, and this gender identity is most often stable over time. Typically, when an individual announces as an adult that outwardly perceived gender is opposite that of inner experience, that individual is most often acknowledging later in life a gender identity that formed earlier during childhood.

For the gender congruent majority, the separation of biological sex and gender identity is difficult both to imagine and to understand. Few outside the social sciences are able to clearly separate gender identity from biological sex. This is because: 1) gender is so innate to personal experience that most lack a frame of reference for understanding how gender can differ from biological sex; 2) gender incongruence is seldom disclosed; and 3) exposure to these topics is limited outside college courses that specifically address them.

We also know that identification with a particular gender is a developmental process; gender identity is not something an individual consciously chooses. This is true both for gender-congruent and gender-incongruent individuals. For a frame of reference, ask yourself if you can remember choosing to see yourself as male or female. Alternatively, you might ask why an individual would bring upon him or herself shame and ridicule by choosing to identify with a gender that is opposite his or her biological sex. Sometimes gender-incongruent individuals seek surgical intervention for their condition. In doing so, they are generally not trying to change gender; rather, they are seeking to make their external appearance and biology congruent with their internal sense of gender identity.

Gender Incongruence and the LDS Church: Frontier of Understanding (Part 1)

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by Russ Peterson:

Note: This is Part 1 of a multi-part post to run the rest of this week.

In The Family: A Proclamation to the World, the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve have taught that "gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose." Although we are accustomed to thinking of this doctrine as unique to the LDS tradition, it is in fact among the first truths recorded in scripture:

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them (Genesis 1:27).

The image of God, which includes male and female, is the image and pattern after which God created Adam and Eve, whereupon which He commanded them to multiply and replenish the earth (Genesis 1:28). Latter-day Saints believe the family is "ordained of God." In other words, we hold the family—consisting of man, woman, and children—to be divinely organized by God for the accomplishment of His work, which is to "bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man" (Moses 1:39).

The fact that man and woman act together in the creation of life is in accordance with divine design. Latter-day Saints believe that sexual relations within the bonds of matrimony constitute a sacrament of marriage, binding two souls together according to the covenant they have made. This pattern, instituted of God for the happiness of His children, neither originated in nor concludes with the mortal sphere. According to the plan of happiness, the family is the fundamental social unit both in time and eternity.

For the vast majority of His children, the nuclear family—consisting of man, woman and children—is congruent with individual development in terms of biology, identity, and attraction. For example, most individuals that appear to be male have functional male sexual anatomy, experience an internal sense of being male, as well as feelings of attraction toward women. Conversely, most individuals that appear to be female have functional female sexual anatomy, experience an internal sense of being female, as well as feelings of attraction toward men. For the purposes of this article, I will refer to this agreement of biology, identity, and attraction as gender congruence.

An Open Letter to Matt Walsh Regarding His Assertion that Suicide Is a Choice

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by John Landbeck:

In summary, Matt, you are wrong.

Now, there are a lot of people that think you (Matt Walsh) are wrong, all the time. But that is often because they disagree with your principles of religion, spirituality, and morality.

I disagree with your conclusions, not your principles. I think your vision on suicide is too narrow, and you have missed the mark. I think you have a responsibility to speak from a position of great influence with more care and nuance, and to better represent the spiritually-based life.

You state, over and over again in your article, that suicide is a choice. That Robin Williams chose to do this to himself. I ask, how can you *possibly* know that?

Surely you recognize, as a student of human nature (both biological and spiritual) that a person's behavior is never just one thing. Yes, YES, we have responsibility for the actions we elect. I am certain of that. But we also inhabit a complex system of influences. Genetics, culture, family, history, chemistry, whimsy, temptation. To presume that any person can look at another's choice, and conclude how much of the choice was personal agency, and how much was external factors is ... ludicrous. We, individually, can only ever truly be certain of what we, individually are responsible for choosing. Only we can know our own guilt.

Guest Post: Remarks on the Passing (and Likely Suicide) of My Son

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My son, Maxwell Defiance Landbeck, was killed early the morning of July 13, 2014. I’ve written about Max before, about our troubles. This post is my effort to make sense of his death. To find personal context and peace with it, to see the meaning in our loss and grief. It is comprised mostly of the remarks I gave at his memorial service, though I've included a few passages from the eulogy his sister read (the entire eulogy is here).

"Grief is the natural by-product of love. One cannot selflessly love another person and not grieve at their suffering or death. The only way to avoid grief would be to not experience the love; and it is the love that gives life its richness and meaning."

A little over two years ago, Max was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. In the months prior to that, he struggled with substance abuse. It is now obvious he was self-medicating. The burden of bi-polar disorder is swinging between depressive and manic episodes. For Max, when he was Manic, he would become delusional. Delusions of different realities, grandiose visions and fantasies. He was never violent, but pursued his bizarre notions no matter how strange or dangerous.

When Max would use drugs, even marijuana, he became even more delusional. But he sought out bizarre drugs, custom hallucinogens, spice, gleefully experimenting with substances that were not technically illegal. During these years, family and friends tried to help him, offering him a place to live if he promised to quit for good. Max was easy to love, but difficult to live with. Addiction is a terrible burden. He could not resist the draw of trying drugs one more time. Each time Max was certain that it would help. Each time he was terribly wrong.

In the very early morning of Sunday, July 13 Max was struck by a freight train and killed instantly.

Guest Post: On Waiting and/or Winning and Probably Whining

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So here is my story. About four months ago I decide that I should try and see a specialist (1) about this thing. So I go and look up the list of doctors that deal with this thing that are covered by my insurance. And there are four of them. So I go down the list and call and, in turn, the first three receptionists tell me they aren’t taking new patients. Not a good sign but I am intrepid. I call the last on the list and they can see me, in four months. So I make the appointment. I tell the person getting my information what I want to be seen for and they say, sure, come on over in four months.

Last night is the day before the long-awaited appointment. And like I do, when I’m trying to go to sleep, I’m totally obsessing about this appointment. It is like Christmas for a six-year old except without presents. I’ve been waiting for a long time and I’m anxious about what they are going to want to test for and what they might discover and all that and so I toss and turn and get maybe three hours of sleep.

So finally the long awaited day comes and I go to the doctor’s office. The waiting room is tiny and dimly lit. The go through the deal with me signing more papers and copying my insurance card and having me wait in the first room and then moving me into the second waiting room where the doctor will eventually see me. The room where I am asked to wait for the doctor (2)  has about the same square footage of other rooms of this type but it is crammed with stuff. There is the examination bed, two regular chairs and then this crazy 1970s style ergonomic backless chair with a makeshift table attached to it. I literally have to walk sideways to get to the seat. This room is maybe three stacks of newspapers away from being a hoarders episode. And here I wait.

The specialist finally arrives. He looks to be about 300 years old, about 4 foot 11 and maybe 85 pounds. As required of old men, his pants are hiked up to his armpits, barely leaving the pocket in his shirt that holds no fewer than 12 pens visible. He has his white doctor’s coat on and has his auxiliary pens in that pocket as well. I have seen my fair share of doctor’s over my lifetime. Typically, when they enter the room, they greet you and ask what I am here to see them about. No big surprise but this was not the case with Dr. McOldy. He walked in, said hello, I said hello back and he then sat down in his goofy ergonomic backless chair, opened my file, put a nice crease down the middle of it and stared at it in silence for a good two minutes. After this moment of mediation, he cleared his throat and said that he isn’t really enthusiastic about trying to work with patients with the thing I have. Which is super funny because the insurance list showed him as being someone to see about this thing. He blah, blah blahed on for a little bit and then said that he bet that I was wondering why they had me come down in the first place, given his disposition on this matter. I felt that was a valid question. He was unable to provide an answer. After some more of his blah, blah, blahing, I stood up and suggested that “we were done here” and left.

Whitney Awards Shout Out

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by Eliana:

The Whitney’s have been a great contest for Mormon Literature, providing opportunities to read a lot of stuff in several genres. Even for someone like me who doesn't follow YA lit or enjoy the speculative/fantasy/sci-fi world, I love seeing what others are writing and finding success with. And thanks to a recent post at Segullah, I discovered a deeper story to the World of the Whitney.

Take a look over at Indiegogo to see the interesting anthology available as a fundraiser. Needing help is a hard thing, without question. If you have ever read a book by a fellow saint, have ever noticed a name on a book cover and realized you knew the author once upon a time, or have thought about writing yourself, consider a donation. Fun perks available also, for whatever your interests may be.

Mormon Mental Illness

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by Eliana:

After Elder Holland spoke about mental illness during October 2013 conference, I heard from a lot of people from my past. I’ve been fairly open about my life-long struggle with serious depression, and the talk came during a particularly challenging period. Later someone asked me to put some thoughts together to help her teach a lesson about the talk. MMM has had some great posts about depression and I’d like to add my two cents as a believer and sufferer.

If you are not depressed, it is hard to understand what it feels like because it doesn't make sense. When you are depressed, it feels like you have always felt this way and will always feel that way. One of the biggest things is a lack of hope or perspective. It feels like nothing matters because nothing will change it. That is irrational for a working mind.

In my life, I have always known that my Heavenly Father is real and loves me. That is what has kept me from killing myself time and time again. Even when I felt like I couldn't feel the spirit, I know it was there reminding me of this basic knowledge. Reading my scriptures, even when it seemed useless, built up my knowledge of how God has helped others in the past.

I took an antidepressant for fifteen years. It changed my life because I stopped crying every day. It didn't cure my depression. I still got sad a lot, but at least for reasons instead of just all the time. I think of it as taking the edge off. That seemed good to me but I now realize that it probably wasn't enough. I couldn't imagine feeling any better though. I was lucky to have a doctor when I first sought treatment who didn't worry about a label for my problems but tried lots of different things to try to improve my life. I will always be grateful for his gentleness with me.

Guest Post: Top Five Running Blogs By LDS Runners

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It's a new year. Time to get off your lazy rear and get into shape. Many folks turn to running to drop some pounds, do a couch-to-5K, take up a hobby, or cross a marathon of their bucket list. But the good intentions of January 1 can quickly wear thin, long before your waistline gets very thin. Keep the fitness motivation going by checking out the adventures of top notch LDS running bloggers.

Here are five of the best LDS running blogs that will keep you motivated and interested while you pursue your own running fitness goals. I try to regularly read pretty much every blog by an LDS runner that I can find. These blog selections are based upon the awesome running stories and the sprinkling of LDS lifestyles discussed in the blogs. These blogs show that LDS runners are pretty great people, or, at least are pretty normal people that rise to the occasion with hard work, goal setting and the ability to write and hit the publish button on their blog on a regular basis. So go read these blogs and then lace up your running shoes and google a good couch-to-5k or marathon training program.

No. 5 Fast Cory (www.fastcory.com)

Cory Reese is a long-distance runner living in southern Utah. Does he bang out a scenic southern Utah picturesque 100 miler on a weekly basis? Does he run 20 miles around his neighborhood on a Friday night just for the fun of it? It sure seems like he does. Check out his blog for his long-distance running adventures. It is just plain fun to read and he seems like a cool dude.

No. 4 See Mom Run Far (www.seemomrunfar.blogspot.com)

Erin Henderson is a superwoman living in Wyoming. She has a family of 12 kids yet ran 3,480 miles last year, often getting up at unchristianly early hours to get her runs in so that she can still take care of her large family. She has a working goal of qualifying for the Women's Olympic Marathon Trials. Her blog is an interesting mix of race reports, training tips, family interactions and an amazing example of juggling family, work, church and running.

How to Get Kicked Out of Lamaze in Four Easy Steps

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This is an anonymous guest post.

Let me start by saying to you modern Mormon men out there that this is not meant as some "how to" post with the goal of explaining how to get out of something you should do. If you are reading this so that you can avoid childbirth classes, then all I can say is MAN UP! In fact, that may be the best point of this entire post, so I guess now I'd say READ ON.

Step One: Have Someone You Love Get Pregnant

Sure, this is a rather obvious step, and, trust me, it looks odd if you just breeze into childbirth classes without someone who might soon be giving birth.

Step Two: Lack the Emotional Awareness of How Terribly Frightened you are of Childbirth

This step can also be very, very easy. As guys, we are socialized to be super heroes, James Bonds, and Captain Moronis who always have a plan and are always in control. All of that goes completely out the window when someone you love gets pregnant. There is no plan; you control nothing. When someone you love is pregnant, you can do nothing to make the nausea stop or soothe the emotional or physical pain she is in. You cannot make sure that the baby grows properly or that it doesn't get turned around or that it doesn't have some serious defect/comes out pulling for the Florida Gators. Also, because of the Male Code of Silence, which, like the rules of Fight Club, must never be discussed, guys who have women they love who are pregnant cannot talk to other guys. Yah, we can complain about stuff as a lame cover for abject terror, but we don't say, "wow, this is surprisingly painful and frightening." We cannot talk about fears of delivery mishaps or tragedies or anxieties about coming up short or disappointing the one (or, as will soon be the case, ones) we love. And, of course, the inability to talk about such fears only reinforces them.

Oh, and one more little note: part of the reason why we cannot discuss these anxieties is because often the women in our lives don't seem to have the means to hear them. All too often, if men sound afraid or worried it is seen in comparison "with what she is going through." Once the hint of "oh, you think you've got it bad" comes out, you will get blasted for comparing your plight to hers. Nothing makes you sound more like a [word redacted because this is a family-friendly blog] then sounding like you are comparing your challenges with hers. And with that, the possibilities of a discussion with the one you love, trust, and cherish the most are foreclosed completely.

Helping the Struggling Brethren

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by Kevin Shafer:

Recently, men’s mental health has received substantial research and popular media attention. These reports emphasize that men seek help less often for their problems than women, have few close friends, and tend to externalize their problems through anger, substance abuse, and other problem behaviors. Men often feel they can’t share their problems with others because they are constricted by hyper-masculine norms that tell men they have to be self-reliant and confident in themselves. Not surprisingly, such attitudes hurt men, their families, and the people they most care about.

Although I have no data to support my claim, I think that the men of the Church are doing worse than the average American male when it comes to psychological well-being and lack of help-seeking. In addition to masculine norms, which are seemingly pervasive within church culture, LDS men often face several norms which reduce help-seeking and increase stress, in my view. For one, men are often viewed as the servers, often because of priesthood responsibilities, and rarely the served. Second, LDS culture and interpretations of doctrine tell men that they are to be leaders and American conceptions of leadership exude strength and reliability. Weakness and personal struggle are rarely seen as leadership attributes in our culture. Third, messaging about self-reliance has the potential to be harmful. Fourth, we assume that because someone is in church weekly, performs a calling, etc. that they are "doing fine," and thus, can be somewhat ignored for other concerns. Finally, cultural attitudes about mental health are not particularly healthy within the church. Although I believe that Elder Holland’s October 2013 General Conference address will go a long way to change these unhealthy perceptions of poor mental health, many Mormons still believe that increased prayer, fasting, and faith can cure such ailments. Although I have no doubt that these activities can improve mental health, they rarely cure depression, anxiety, and more serious mental health issues. Obviously, there are many other contributing factors that block help-seeking in LDS men, but these four highlight some of the barriers which exist within church culture.

Googling Your Way Through Parenthood

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by Kyle:

Google is one of my best friends. We've laughed together, we've cried together, and it always has the right answers to my most difficult life's questions. I thought I used Google a lot before becoming a father, but in the past 13 months I am constantly seeking knowledge and advice from my trusty friend.

The good news is that because Google basically owns, and probably designed, the Universe, I am not alone in turning to it with all my questions. I am also not alone in looking to Google for answers when it comes to my one-year-old daughter.

In a recent New York Times article Seth Stephens-Davidowitz did some analysis on parent’s Google queries about their young sons and daughters. Here’s a bit about what he found:

• Parents are 2.5 times more likely to search “is my son gifted” than “is my daughter gifted.” For every 10 searches about girls being smart, there are 25 about boys. He notes that there is a similar bias when looking across other search terms relating to intelligence. (There are also more searches asking if a son is “stupid” than the same about daughters)

Guest Post: How Would You Have Answered This Investigator’s Question?

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Last week I was invited by the missionaries in my ward to join them as they met with an investigator. The lesson was about the Word of Wisdom. The lesson went well. The investigator had some great insights and great questions, which we answered to the best of our ability. But our friend was confused about the alcohol part. If Jesus drank wine, she wondered, how could alcohol consumption be a sin? We explained that the prohibition of alcohol wasn't a commandment back then, but it was now. And this is where she asked a question that none of us had a good answer for.

She said that if God is eternal and has been the same forever and ever, and if time is meaningless to God, it would make sense for him to be in any situation in any period of [our] time and still be sinless and blameless. Were that not the case, he would cease to be the perfect God that we know him to be. She said that it didn't make sense that Jesus would be a sinner if he were here with us today, but by our definition, he would be a sinner because he has drunk wine.

That's an interesting point that I had never really thought of before, and I felt that none of our answers were very satisfactory.

One of the missionaries replied that he didn't know if what he was about to say was true or not (rarely a good sign in a church setting), but that he heard that the wine they used back in the day was really just grape juice. I reminded him that there are instances in just about every book of scripture we have of people getting drunk from wine. You don't get drunk off of grape juice.

Update on Luciano: Asking for an Arm and a Leg

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by Sam Nelson (emeritus):

A little bit of background for those of you who aren't familiar with Luciano's story. Luciano is a convert to the church and was involved in a tragic train accident over a year ago that cost him both his right arm and right leg. Read my previous blog post for more details. Or watch a short video story about Luciano.

After the MMM blog post and a follow-up BYUtv broadcast, there was an incredible outpouring of support. Helpluciano.com raised close to $30,000 in one week! Support continued to grow and we raised not only enough money to get him prosthetics for the rest of his life, but a couple very large donors (who chose to remain anonymous) pledged to sponsor him along with his father to come HERE, to the United States, to be outfitted with top-of-the-line prosthetics and up to six months of rehabilitation at Loma Linda Children's Hospital in California.

After a surprisingly long and difficult legal battle, Mauricio and Luciano were finally granted visas to travel to the United States. We immediately booked him and his father flights and they are here! We are taking care of them in Seattle until January 6th. Today I took them to visit downtown Seattle, which is very different than Chiguayante.

Luciano is extremely upbeat and optimistic as usual. He was involved in the Paralympics in Chile and won two gold medals and a bronze. He still goes to church by himself every Sunday and reads his scriptures everyday.

I'll be tweeting (@realSamNelson) about Luciano's Christmas vacation if you want updates, then will hopefully get him set up with his own Twitter account soon so you can follow him for the months in California.

Thank you to everyone who helped make this happen. It is truly a miracle after his horrifying experience of losing an arm, leg and eye. The scariest part has to be … what happens next? Wheelchairs/crutches are useless without an arm and prosthetics cost more than your house. An army of 400+ people/families came together and completely changed his life.

Confession of an LDS Smoker

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by Casey Peterson:

Sunday as the church meeting I was sitting in was drawing near a conclusion, I began to get fidgety and anxious. I had trouble focusing on the words of the closing song, and at the final "amen" of the prayer, I bolted for the door with smoking on my mind. Upon taking care of business at home, I rushed back to church and slipped into my seat just as the next meeting was starting. I immediately was aghast as I realized the upturned noses, the sidelong glances, and the accusatory expressions of those whose senses had tipped them off to evidence of smoking. That day, it was ribs over mesquite chips, though I had debated about salmon over pine chips, or even a tri-tip over apple wood. The euphoria of slowly letting the smoking flavor permeate and tenderize the meat was a tantalizing temptation I had to fight through for the duration of my meetings.

The Word of Wisdom teaches us in Doctrine and Covenants89:12 that meat is "ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used sparingly." I take that a couple of ways.  First, the better I can make my meat taste, the more thanksgiving I can have in my heart (and stomach). Second, if I am to quantify the amount "sparingly," that means eliminating marginal, tough, greasy, or tasteless varieties. I raise my own meat and enjoy knowing I am eating a healthy, organic, tender, and lean piece of meat that has been raised with thanksgiving, kindness, and appreciation. However, one of my former BYU students introduced me to smoking, a process of curing, tenderizing, and flavoring the meat in a beautiful way.  This was a startling revelation to me, as I usually detest strongly any smoke smell. I was the scout trying to avoid campfire smoke, and in a hurry to wash it off as soon as I got home. I abhor tobacco smoke; it literally will make me vomit faster than any other smell.  Smoking cigarettes was never a temptation or even a physical possibility for me ever in my life. And every year the part I dread most about working on my farm is the horrible smell of burning hair during branding. Simply put, I hate smoke of any kind.

Yet, the flavor and tenderness of smoked meat is undeniably delightful and delicious. I researched and purchased a smoker, and then found that smoking chips are available in a variety of flavors. Mesquite, hickory, apple, pine, cedar, or cherry wood all offer a different pungent flavoring. I researched which ones work best with which types of meat and love the mixing and matching that produces such wonderful results.

And so with my marinating brines to pre-soak the meat, with my racks in my smoker, and with a plethora of different types of wood chips to elevate my meat to a whole new level, I can proudly say with gratitude and thanksgiving in my heart and stomach that I am an active and honorable LDS smoker, obeying and honoring the Word of Wisdom the best way I can. I am part of a barbecue brotherhood extending from the asados of Argentina, to the barbacoa of Mexico, across the plains of Texas where my fellow MMM contributor Dustin serves as a ranger of the rotisserie.

Casey Peterson is the Director of the BYU Center for Service and Learning where he loves working with over 22,000 BYU students learning life lessons through service and volunteerism. Casey is completing his doctoral degree at BYU in Educational Leadership, which gives him the unique current status at BYU of being a student, teacher, and administrator. Casey is married with 5 beautiful children who stay busy through church, sports, and community activities along with their work on the small family farm they operate in Salem, Utah. Twitter: @cpeter1.
 Image credits: Dennis Skley, Kevin Dooley (used with permission).