MMM Protip: Don’t Tell Women They Look Better Without Makeup

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by Shawn Tucker:

I get it—I really do. You want to say, “hey, I like you just the way you are” or “just the way God made you is wonderful” or “you can feel at home around me without the need to change how you look.” I get how in your mind that sounds great. It sounds like you really care about her and you don’t want her to feel the need to change herself. Toss in how you don’t want her to feel like she has to keep up with (worldly) ideas of beauty or value and hey, you are trying to say something genuinely kind and loving. And while that is what you are thinking, there’s a really good chance that that is not the message she’s getting.

I have two daughters who take quite different approaches to makeup. One daughter takes time to regularly wear makeup. The other daughter, well if she has makeup on then you know two things: 1—this must be some event or occasion and 2—her sister probably did it. And both are lovely, lovely women! What I have learned is that there is a lot more to wearing makeup than one might think. My daughter spends a fair amount of time every day applying her makeup. She is a naturally lovely woman, and when she wears makeup she is still lovely, and lovely in a different way. There seems to be something extra sparkly about her eyes and extra lovely in her smile.

But the fact that women look lovely in makeup is not the only reason why you Modern Mormon Men should avoid telling women that they look better without makeup. Perhaps the most important reason is because they didn’t ask you and their choice to wear makeup is not really about you. It is their choice and it is for them. The process of putting on makeup can be an important ritual, an activity where she uses her talents, creativity, and skill to add beauty and luster to what God has given. Sure, perhaps some women have men in mind, and perhaps some have other women in mind, but the reasons for wearing makeup are far more complex (and interesting) than to appeal or impress others or because of backwards, ignorant ideas about vanity.

Advice For My 16 Year-Old Son About Stepping Up His Game w/Girls

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by Shawn Tucker:

The only thing more awkward than this post about helping my son learn how to be confident talking with girls is the fact that I discussed these ideas with him recently when he was trapped in the car with me. It is interesting to watch your child consider the implications of throwing himself out of a car going 65 miles per hour on a freeway. Luckily he chose to smile, nod, and think of something else while I gave him a version of the following advice. And now I’d like to spread the awkwardness around the interwebs. Here’s my advice to a 16-year-old modern Mormon young man on how to step up his game with girls:

1. Be 16. What this means is be patient with yourself and allow yourself to grow into being someone who is confident with women. Frankly, 16-year-old girls are like 16-year-old boys, and, yes I will say it, most girls are just as awkward around boys as you are around them. And hey, you like them, so…

2. Keep in mind one goal: helping her feel at ease, safe, comfortable, and getting to know her. When you are getting to know a girl your age, keep in mind that your goal is to get to know her. Do what you can to actually listen to her. Care enough about what she’s saying to hear it and to perhaps even show her you’re listening by remembering what she says and say it back to her. You can go a long way by later on saying something like, “I remember when you told me that you quit playing soccer because you had such a bad coach—that must have really sucked for you!” Saying things like this show you care enough to listen and think about what she has told you, but keep in mind to be genuine about this, since the goal is helping her feel safe and at ease.

Are Mormon Men Unintentionally Discriminating at Work

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by Alex Fuller:

I recently attended a seminar on gender discrimination in the workplace and was surprisingly conflicted afterwards. I had begun the seminar thinking, "Of course I treat men and women equally." After, however, I was left wondering if I regularly discriminate without realizing it.

This seminar happened the same week that I heard a comment that equally surprised me. The comment came from a LDS female coworker who observed that LDS men are often less inclusive and less open with women in the workplace. She was the only woman in a small minority of Mormons in the organization. Despite her shared beliefs, she often felt excluded by her male LDS coworkers. They were tackling similar projects, but she frequently had to find her own support group.

How could this happen?

Although I don't think most LDS men discriminate on purpose, I wonder how many times we shy away from women either unconsciously or deliberately.

The Taming of the Modern Mormon Man (Full Post)

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by Russ Peterson:

Note: This is the full installment of this week's multi-part post. Parts 1, 2, 3 & 4 here, here, here and here.

I first stumbled across the MMM website only recently. As an inherently visual creature, I was immediately struck by the graphic of the man holding the baby bottle. I saw someone who—although tired of trying to calm his fussy little one—was nevertheless glad for the opportunity to escape the mundane and collect his thoughts while allowing his child the freedom to wander semi-supervised in the church foyer. I reflected on the internal dialog I’d entertained many times in similar settings. I saw myself.

To me the image represented the resignation I’d felt when my life was on autopilot. I had the nice home, the decent marriage, and the steady job—albeit the kind that slowly robs a man of his pride, confidence, and independence. It was when life couldn’t have been any better that I sometimes wondered if it could get any worse.

I had been tamed.¹

In retrospect it had happened so gradually I hadn’t even been aware it had happened at all. Childhood had set the stage perfectly. My parents had a high conflict relationship, and their arguments frequently centered on church activity and attendance. My father was LDS but not active, and I grew up swayed to my mother’s view that his “unrighteousness” was the cause of all the problems at home. Hence I determined at an early age to remain active in the Church and to avoid conflict at all costs. Anger was not an option.

My perspective on anger was heavily reinforced through years of church activity. I learned to equate anger with sin. Anger was associated with all sorts of evil: unrighteous dominion, the spirit of contention, and a host of other ills imputed to the “natural man.” Furthermore, I understood that the “natural man is an enemy to God,” and that his base impulses had to be put off, overcome, and subjugated to the governance of the spirit. Consider for example this counsel given during the priesthood session of the October 2009 General Conference:

“I ask, is it possible to feel the Spirit of our Heavenly Father when we are angry? I know of no instance where such would be the case.

***

To be angry is to yield to the influence of Satan. No one can make us angry. It is our choice. If we desire to have a proper spirit with us at all times, we must choose to refrain from becoming angry. I testify that such is possible.”

I wish to tread lightly here. In context, this speaker was talking about the many instances where anger gives rise to abuse, oppression, and other unrighteousness. Unfortunately we know that such is often the case, even among the men of the Church to whom this leader was speaking. This vast problem needs to be identified and corrected, and this leader was forthrightly doing so.

But I always struggle when anger is equated with sin, because I can’t reconcile that view with the scriptures. I can’t imagine Jesus in a pleasant mood when He took a whip and drove the moneychangers from the temple. He was angry, and He used His anger to accomplish a righteous purpose. The same was true when Jesus was known as Jehovah, the God of the Old Testament. He was frequently angry with individuals and nations—sometimes so much so that He destroyed them. The “wrath of God” (scriptural phrase) is kindled when His children disobey Him. This is God we’re talking about—the being in whose image we are made and on whom we are to pattern our lives.

War on Masculinity

Whence cometh, then, the war on anger? I’d like to examine this in context of a larger cultural war on men and masculinity. With the rise of feminism has come a much needed recognition of oppression and abuse of power; usually this has involved men wielding anger as a primary instrument whereby they have accomplished their designs. We all know the saying: “power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.” Further, we are instructed doctrinally that:

“…it is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion” (D&C 121:39).

Men (who have traditionally been in positions of power) have so often failed to exercise that power with restraint and to the benefit of humanity that in Western society we have become largely suspicious of men exercising power of any kind. Anger—so often a tool of oppression—has become particularly vilified by association. Thus in Western society especially, men aren’t supposed to be angry; we are supposed to be tame.

The Taming of the Modern Mormon Man (Part 4)

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by Russ Peterson:

Note: This is Part 4 of a multi-part post. Continued from Parts 1, 2 & 3 here, here and here.

Experiential Weekend

The men’s movement has spawned a number of organizations dedicated to helping men reclaim an elemental wildness that is fundamental to grounded and mature masculinity. All of the groups with which I am familiar have something to offer, but the experience which has been by far the most meaningful to me has been the New Warrior Training Adventure, sponsored by the ManKind Project (MKP).⁶

In addition to being well versed in the work of Robert Bly and other literary luminaries, the founders of the ManKind Project were acutely aware of the aforementioned loss of traditions by which mature masculinity had always been passed from one generation to another. For example, prior to the Industrial Revolution, it was commonplace for fathers to apprentice sons in their respective trades. Native Americans had the “vision quest,” by which young men found their place among the men of their tribe. Most cultures had rites of initiation, passage, or ascension through which young men attained status as men and after which they were expected to share the responsibilities of manhood with respect to the rest of the community.

These traditions and rites having been lost to modern society, young men have been left to find their own way in the world of men. To add insult to injury, many boys grow up in fatherless homes devoid of grounded and mature male role models. The results have been devastating for the rising generation of boys. They wonder how to socialize purposefully and respectfully with the opposite sex; they even struggle to navigate the world of men, especially as it is increasingly dysfunctional in its values and expectations. They often feel isolated and alone, and their failures manifest in violence, crime, and suicide.

MKP seeks to address these problems simultaneously by building a community of men into which men can be properly initiated. Borrowing from history, tradition, literature, and metaphor, the New Warrior Training Adventure (NWTA)⁷ consists of a weekend of rites and exercises by which men are both challenged and supported in creating connection and accountability to other men. They are challenged to identify and face their greatest fears, and they learn community as they watch others do the same. The whole process is one by which men are called to access wild and primitive forces that have long been dormant within them, and which, once properly awakened, can bestow to each man uncommon strength and vitality.

Spiritual Implications

My initiation weekend was perhaps the single greatest personal revelation of my life. Not only did it create an authentic brotherhood I had long sought, but it did indeed awaken deep and primitive voices that I had always thought necessary to suppress. Furthermore, and more importantly, it affirmed my faith and provided insight into the divine I scarcely could have anticipated.

The Taming of the Modern Mormon Man (Part 3)

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by Russ Peterson:

Note: This is Part 3 of a multi-part post. Continued from Parts 1 & 2 here and here.

Gender Equality versus Gender Sameness

For our purposes, the “taming” of the modern man refers to a growing expectation that men should refrain from traditionally masculine behavior. It includes the expectation—whether realized or merely perceived—that a man must hold back from exercising leadership or authority for fear of being seen as a “male oppressor.” But the issue far transcends LDS concerns of “unrighteous dominion” as we have discussed it. In larger Western culture, we are so sensitized to the historical imbalance of power between men and women that we have moved beyond seeking gender equality to insisting on gender sameness.

As I understand it, the ideal of gender equality recognizes complementary differences between genders but equally values both. On the other hand, gender sameness (my term) pursues equality of the sexes by ignoring or attempting to eliminate the differences between the two. Gender equality may be difficult to assess or achieve when men and women assume different roles; if so, gender sameness proposes a solution: rather than organizing men and women according to different roles, we can pretend they are the same.

For a frame of reference, consider three examples that illustrate the degree of shift in societal thinking about gender during recent decades:

1. Women in combat. As the US military has struggled with its pursuit of gender equality, it has become increasingly apparent that combat experience is directly related to opportunity for advancement. Those in command have had to (in some cases forcibly) abandon long-held notions that men are better suited for combat.


2. Gay marriage. Advocates of traditional (opposite sex) marriage held that the two different genders formed a complementary unit. Arguments about equality aside, gay marriage advocates have downplayed the importance of gender in marriage, contending that gender should not factor into marriage privileges.


3. Ordaining women. As women have asserted their right to lead congregations, many protestant denominations have started to ordain women to the priesthood along with the men.

Our purpose is not to argue the merits or liabilities of any of the above; rather, it is to highlight the degree to which gender constructs have changed in recent years. None of our three enumerated examples would have been likely or possible were it not for the current focus on gender sameness. Whether fair or not, gender used to be an organizing element in the division of labor and assumption of roles between the sexes. In our latest cultural calculus, however, gender must be discounted or entirely ignored.

Problems

Honorable as it may seem in the pursuit of gender equality, gender sameness is not without problems, the first of which is biology.

The Taming of the Modern Mormon Man (Part 2)

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by Russ Peterson:

Note: This is Part 2 of a multi-part post. Continued from Part 1 here.

Spirit of Contention

The first of these is the spirit of contention. This is among the most frequently misunderstood doctrines in the Church today. Members of the Church often interpret the Savior’s counsel in 3 Nephi 11 to mean that anger and conflict are evil, and that if one is willing to fight for something he is “of the devil.”

On further examination, however, this isn’t what the Savior is saying at all. Let’s take a closer look:

“And according as I have commanded you thus shall ye baptize. And there shall be no disputations among you, as there have hitherto been; neither shall there be disputations among you concerning the points of my doctrine, as there have hitherto been.

For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another” (3 Nephi 11:28-29).

The Savior’s doctrine regarding contention has often been misinterpreted as a command to avoid conflict in every circumstance and at all costs. However, it is critical to note the context. The Savior was speaking principally of contention among members of the Church regarding points of doctrine. Conflict cannot give rise to revelation or doctrinal clarity; these are obtained through different means entirely.

There are, however, numerous instances in scripture where righteous men were called to contend against sin and error and/or defend the cause of truth. They entered into conflict and in some cases were rejected because they avoided it. Consider a different take on the scriptural passage whereby the Lord calls Samuel, and Eli instructs him to say, “Speak, Lord, for thy servant heareth.” That’s where we usually stop, but let’s keep reading:

And the Lord said to Samuel, Behold, I will do a thing in Israel, at which both the ears of every one that heareth it shall tingle.

In that day I will perform against Eli all things which I have spoken concerning his house: when I begin, I will also make an end.

For I have told him that I will judge his house for ever for the iniquity which he knoweth; because his sons made themselves vile, and he restrained them not (1 Samuel 3:11-13).

What was Eli’s sin? He knew of his sons’ iniquity but failed to confront and correct them. Why? We can only imagine, but suffice it to say that confrontation requires energy—energy parents are sometimes unwilling to expend. As a young men’s leader I routinely encountered parents who wouldn’t require their sons to attend Sunday meetings because they didn’t want them to grow up resenting the Church. More than once I asked them how often they excused these same sons from mowing the lawn for fear they would resent the grass. When we fail to provide instruction or correction to our children in the name of conflict avoidance, are we failing in the discharge of parental duty?

The Taming of the Modern Mormon Man (Part 1)

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by Russ Peterson:

Note: This is Part 1 of a multi-part post to run the rest of this week.

I first stumbled across the MMM website only recently. As an inherently visual creature, I was immediately struck by the graphic of the man holding the baby bottle. I saw someone who—although tired of trying to calm his fussy little one—was nevertheless glad for the opportunity to escape the mundane and collect his thoughts while allowing his child the freedom to wander semi-supervised in the church foyer. I reflected on the internal dialog I’d entertained many times in similar settings. I saw myself.

To me the image represented the resignation I’d felt when my life was on autopilot. I had the nice home, the decent marriage, and the steady job—albeit the kind that slowly robs a man of his pride, confidence, and independence. It was when life couldn’t have been any better that I sometimes wondered if it could get any worse.

I had been tamed.¹

In retrospect it had happened so gradually I hadn’t even been aware it had happened at all. Childhood had set the stage perfectly. My parents had a high conflict relationship, and their arguments frequently centered on church activity and attendance. My father was LDS but not active, and I grew up swayed to my mother’s view that his “unrighteousness” was the cause of all the problems at home. Hence I determined at an early age to remain active in the Church and to avoid conflict at all costs. Anger was not an option.

My perspective on anger was heavily reinforced through years of church activity. I learned to equate anger with sin. Anger was associated with all sorts of evil: unrighteous dominion, the spirit of contention, and a host of other ills imputed to the “natural man.” Furthermore, I understood that the “natural man is an enemy to God,” and that his base impulses had to be put off, overcome, and subjugated to the governance of the spirit. Consider for example this counsel given during the priesthood session of the October 2009 General Conference:

“I ask, is it possible to feel the Spirit of our Heavenly Father when we are angry? I know of no instance where such would be the case.

***

To be angry is to yield to the influence of Satan. No one can make us angry. It is our choice. If we desire to have a proper spirit with us at all times, we must choose to refrain from becoming angry. I testify that such is possible.”

I wish to tread lightly here. In context, this speaker was talking about the many instances where anger gives rise to abuse, oppression, and other unrighteousness. Unfortunately we know that such is often the case, even among the men of the Church to whom this leader was speaking. This vast problem needs to be identified and corrected, and this leader was forthrightly doing so.

To a Mission Buddy on Hearing About His Divorce

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by Shawn Tucker:

I recently learned that a mission buddy got divorced last year. It came as a shock because I found out through a third party who had been sworn to secrecy. I consider this buddy pretty close; we touched base about once a year and on special occasions like when kids were born. My heart goes out to him and the people affected by this painful change. My only wonder is why he didn't allow us to support him and grieve with him during the process.

Let me start by saying that this buddy was always a private person. He would complain about people getting "too personal" in testimonies or lessons. Honestly I can only understand that like I understand Hudson Bay or subatomic particles; I'm sure that they exist but I have not the slightest direct experience with them. That is to say that I'm a very public and open person. It is in my nature to show pictures of my family on the first day of my university classes or to talk about ways I come up short as a father with strangers in the grocery store. I realize that my buddy's choice to keep his divorce private baffles me in part because we are such different people.

And I can see why someone would be very, very private about such a painful life transition. He may not want to deal with prodding, painful questions by people who might look on his situation like rubberneckers passing a car accident. He may feel like this is the best way for his children to make this transition. There could be lots of extenuating circumstances, including legal, ecclesiastical, financial, family, and career implications that make keeping this private in the best interest of everyone involved. More to the point for me is that he's a private person handling this as he sees fit, and I have no idea how I would handle something similar.

And then of course there is this paragraph—the one where I wonder aloud, publicly, if this private approach might have some drawbacks. And the main drawback is what I mentioned at the start; that I cannot grieve with him. As stated above, I found out through someone who was not supposed to tell anyone. I cannot contact my friend and tell him that my heart goes out to him in this time of what must be great pain. I can put his name in the temple and pray for him, but I cannot share in his burden. I cannot comfort one who might be in need of comfort, and I cannot mourn with one that might be mourning. Perhaps it is just that I'm such a public person or perhaps it is some interesting research about how we are meant to be socially connected, but this feels like a missed opportunity to connect, to bond, and to feel the joy of how our hearts can be knit together. Maybe that feeling of being knitted together is even more important at times like this, at times when hearts might be so weighed down.


Shawn Tucker grew up with amazing parents and five younger, wonderful siblings. He served as a missionary in Chile during the Plebiscite and the first post-dictatorship election. After his mission, he attended BYU, where he married ... you guessed it ... his wife. They both graduated, with Shawn earning a BA in Humanities. Fearing that his BA in Humanities, which is essentially a degree in Jeopardy, would not be sufficient, Shawn completed graduate work in the same ... stuff ... at Florida State University. He currently teaches at Elon University in North Carolina. He and ... you guessed it ... his wife have four great children. Twitter: @MoTabEnquirer. Website: motabenquirer.blogspot.com.
Image credit: THOR (used with permission).

How a Temple Visit Changed My Life, Just Not Like You Expect

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by Eliana:

I'm not a big temple goer but I recently was an escort for a young friend getting married whose family couldn't participate. We were at the Mt. Timpanogos Temple in Lehi, Utah (or thereabouts—all those towns slide together to me). Being there just for someone else, not thinking about myself, was a really good experience for me.

During some of the waiting around in the sealing room, I thought of the last and only time I'd been to this temple in particular. I will take you back in time now to 1996 when Mt. Timpanogos Temple was first opening …

I was an 18 year old sophomore at BYU-Provo, just known as BYU back in the day. I was engaged (it is so hard to keep typing this without throwing up) to the former roommate of my former boyfriend. I KNOW! He'd gotten baptized at the University of Utah over the summer and we decided to go to the temple open house with his mother in town visiting.

Help!--Staying Together for the Kids

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by Quietly Grieving in Zion:

My wife and I were married more than 20 years ago, and we have several children. One child is a returned missionary and another is currently serving. We have a teenager at home and one who will soon be a teenager.

My wife and I have a relationship that has steadily deteriorated for years. We really have no relationship any longer; we are not even friends. We don't talk or enjoy one another's company at all. We used to fight, but now we don't really care enough for that. We went to couple's therapy less than a year ago, but that ended poorly for me. Recent events have made it clear to me how unhappy I am with her. She was recently gone for about a week, and I could not believe how relieved and happy I felt to not have her in the same house. I also feel much more effective as a father when I'm not around her.

I want my children that are still at home to spend as much time as possible together and with her. I also want to be with them as much as possible. That leads me to desire that we stay together for the kids. Staying together would also be easier financially and socially. But I have found myself counting down the years until we can separate. I also have tremendous loneliness, anxiety, and grief over the death of a relationship that I thought would last forever. I believe it would be easier to grieve as well as move on if I could separate, but, of course, I'm afraid that that would be selfish.

I'm not expecting anyone to answer this for me. I pray about it all of the time. I'm considering seeking professional help to assist in determining whether I should stay for the kids or insist (against what I believe are my wife's wishes) that we separate. Many of you have experience with this that may be helpful. Please share. I anticipate the widest variety of responses; please leave your experience as a comment. Please provide your ideas in the most honest and loving way possible without worrying about how others might respond or how others' experiences may differ.

Thank you

Image credit: BK (used with permission).

A Response to Reid's Religious But Not Spiritual Post

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by Anonymous:

Dear Reid,

I am, by your definition, religious but not spiritual (RBNS). I'm writing because your post on November 25th cast too wide a net in calling out those of us who "draw near unto [God] with their lips, but whose hearts are far from [him]."

Like many church members who gained their testimonies gradually over time, I lost mine bit by bit over a period of years. What began with a series of small doubts as a teenager culminated two decades later with a personal admission uttered quietly to my reflection in the mirror: "I no longer believe the church is true."

When people lose their testimonies, we often attribute it to bad information or bad choices; or we just say that they never really had a testimony in the first place. In my case, and in the case of many others, none of these describes what actually happened. I did have a real testimony, I only read literature that was historically accurate, and I maintained the high standard of personal worthiness that the church requires. I lost my testimony because, after long periods of study and reflection, I was unable to reconcile church teachings with history, science, and the state of the world.

It’s a Small (Mormon) World

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by Eliana:

I have a recurring dream, maybe two or three times a year. I walk into sacrament meeting and see a new family. New to the ward that is: an ex-boyfriend, his wife and a pile of kids. In the nightmare it is just awkward all the time, not dramatic, but I don’t really want a calling with this woman and don’t want to share a pew with a man who broke my heart.

We all know the do you know? game in Mormondom, based on mission or where you once lived. The weirdest part, the reason we keep doing it despite the long odds, is that often we meet someone we are connected to. I’d like to share three stories of my own about the small, small world of church members. Some are great moments, others an unwelcome blast from left field.

• Freshman year in college at BYU I had five roommates. One of them mentioned my name to her father on the phone. Yada yada yada, he and my dad were mission companions. Interestingly, both had first daughters whom they gave weird names to. More interesting were the stories from both parties.

LDS Perspectives on the S-Word

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by Richard Tait:

I was raised in an orthodox Mormon home where some words were forbidden by family members of all ages. The S-word was one of them. However, since we are all modern, Mormon, and manly here, I thought it the perfect venue to explore alternative aspects of … stupidity.

Stupidity in Marriage

WARNING: THIS IS A LEXICALLY EXPLICIT EXPLANATION OF HOW TO END AN ARGUMENT THAT MAY NOT BE APPROPRIATE FOR YOUNG WIVES. MEN, PLEASE TEST THIS AT HOME BEFORE YOU TRY IT IN PUBLIC.

In my research on threads of stupidity that run through familial relationships, I have discovered a foolproof method of quickly and safely ending any argument with your wife. It consists of judicious application of three simple yet powerful words: "Because I'm Stupid." Here is how it works:

At sometime during your marriage relationship, possibly early on, you are going to do something stupid to really tick off your wife. It could be an act as simple as leaving dirty socks strewn across the living room, or as serious as totaling the minivan. Tensions will degenerate; harsh looks and words will fly recklessly between the both of you. Then your sweet mate, the wife of your eternities, will unleash the dreaded rhetorical question. This is a question that was never meant to be answered; its sole purpose is to trap you in a smelly pile of your own guilt, from which there is no escape. It usually comes out something like "Why do you NEVER pick up your smelly, filthy socks?" or, "What in the heck were you thinking when you ran into the back of that schoolbus?"

How do your wives expect you to respond to these questions? They are confident that you will vigorously try and defend yourself against their accusations, more often than not with a lame excuse like "the socks are same color as the living room carpet, so what's the problem?" or "don't worry - we have good car insurance and the bus was empty except for a few of those squirrely teenagers that have been causing problems in the neighborhood."

The lame excuses don't work; it's a sign that your wives have won. If they are going to win anyway (and they will, because smelly socks do NOT belong on the living room floor, and there really is NO EXCUSE for rear-ending a schoolbus), we should at least be able conclude the loss with creativity and flair. This is the point where, instead of the lame excuse, you respond with the three most disarming words in bilateral connubial dialogue: "because I'm stupid."

A List I Will Stand Behind

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by Melissa Condie:

I know it is somewhat of a popular thing in church culture to create lists about what you are looking for in a future spouse, but last Sunday, at my YSA ward, I participated in an activity that was different, creating a list I like much better.

What do you want your future home to be like? was the question, which is way more revealing than the selfish, nit-picky-finicky sort of prejudiced list we are apt to make. Humans come in all sorts of shapes and forms, exhibiting several types of qualities. I do not think you need a "list" to decide if you like someone or not. I say that you pick who you like, and you adapt your mental equilibriums around that person because you love 'em, regardless of how they compare to your preconceived notions.

MMM Library: Choose Your Love, Love Your Choice

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by Pete Codella:

Something President Monson said in General Conference recently really stood out to me. He said: “Choose your love; love your choice.”

He made this comment in regard to the concept and importance of marriage to members of the priesthood in the General Priesthood meeting. I have witnessed many different marriages and divorces - even subsequent marriages by those who have already ‘been there and done that.’ Sadly, we’ve heard much reported lately about married, powerful, well-known men who have had affairs and, as a result, caused all sorts of damage to their families and communities.

Rather than define marriage or discuss problems caused by infidelity, I’d like to share my personal experience with marriage and why I agree with President Monson that once you’ve made the commitment to be married you should love your choice — both your choice to be married and the person you married.

I had the privilege of traveling with the BYU Young Ambassadors for three years while I was in college. I thought, even hoped, I’d find my eternal companion among the ranks of that talented ensemble. But alas, it wasn’t to be, and I’m certainly grateful for that. After college I spent a couple years chasing my Broadway dream in New York City, working to support myself and continuing to sing, dance and act when given the opportunity. Then, at a fortuitous moment, a job at BYU’s Performing Arts Management office opened up. I applied and was ultimately offered the job.

Marriage Advice

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by Eliana:

From my father-in-law to his son, my husband, at some point between ages 21 and 26 when we got married: "There's a lot of women who are good in the kitchen. You got to make sure you find one who's good in the bedroom."

From the musical and actual novel Les Miserables: "To love another person is to see the face of God."

From my grandmother at my bridal shower: "Before you get married, keep your eyes wide open. After you get married, keep them half shut."

More Thrift Store Finds

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by Scott Heffernan:

I previously wrote about how Instagram has saved my marriage. I do a lot of thrift store shopping and want to buy every weird thing I see. My wife hates clutter and will probably divorce me if I bring home one more piece of junk priceless treasure. Taking pictures of these items and sharing them on Instagram has been the perfect compromise. (I still buy a modest amount of bric-a-brac.) Here are some of my latest finds.

Deceased Grandma angel wears socks and sandals, still needs glasses.

We Are Family

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by Eliana:

Eliana's Top 5 Life Moments

1. Getting my driver's license in the early morning on my 16^th birthday
2. Moving out of my parents' home to go off to college
3. The day my husband proposed to me
4. Finding out I was pregnant with our first child
5. An outdoor concert with my favorite band, standing close enough to touch the lead singer, on a perfect night as a surprise gift

Despite the first two items on my list, I consider myself close to my family. Yes, I live in a state where no one related to me lives (and it isn't a small state). Right now my nephew is staying with us while his parents work through a hideous divorce. It is challenging to say the least and we are the second family to have a turn with him.

For my husband, this is bizarre and something he can’t fathom happening in his birth family. To me it is simple—you do what needs to be done for family, even family that makes you crazy and you'd rather live far away from. One brother is helping with money, another lives nearby and can help with sudden crises. We are all in a lot more contact lately in the midst of drama and need than we were a few months ago. I expect that when the storm calms we will drift apart again—not from disagreement or fighting but because we each have our own lives.

So I'm asking today about your definition of family. To me, family is the even though: I will help you, even though you are crazy and make me crazy. Even though I know you are making bad choices, I will support your efforts at improvement. Even though. Forgiveness is a part of it certainly, as is fate and shared experience. For me even though is short hand for 'don't worry, I've got your back no matter what.'

And you, MMM or MMW, what is family to you? Not so much the technical logistics of who you count as family as what that bond means in your individual life. I'm curious, so thanks in advance.


Eliana Osborn was raised on cold weather and wild animals in Anchorage, Alaska, setting the stage for her adult life in the Sunniest Place on Earth in Arizona. She grew up in the church and didn't know there were places where conformity was preached. She has degrees. She writes. She teaches. She has some kids. She even has a husband. She's trying to do her best.
Image credit: a.k.a Champagne for the Brain (used with permission).

MMM Library: The Infantilisation of Young Single Adults

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Brother Troy and Brother Abed hope their pillow and blanket fort will serve as an object lesson for their dates.
The fort is an allegory for the Priesthood protection they'll provide for these dear sisters if they but agree
to be their eternal companions. However, like a blanket fort, their object lesson is flimsy.

A couple of years ago, in one of my trips to Utah to visit with my wife's family, I went Christmas shopping at the Gateway Mall in Salt Lake City. I was walking along with my wife and infant son, slightly freezing to death in the Utah winter, when I was approached by eight young adults (early 20's, equal numbers of men and women). Now, in most cities of the world, when you're approached by a gang of young people, you get ready to hand over your wallet and hope you don't end up being stabbed in the face. This was Utah, however, so I was ready to expect something different.

The "gang" leader started the conversation: "Hey man, can we have your name please? You're wearing a green shirt and we need someone wearing one."

It turns out they were on a scavenger hunt as part of a YSA group date and they had to complete a number of tasks that one of them had drawn together in advance. I was number 15: Find someone wearing a green shirt, get their name and take a photo.

Now, don't get me wrong, they seemed to be having a lot of fun and were positively gleeful when they heard my British accent, but I couldn't help thinking that their "date" was more suitable for a bunch of school children.

Speaking of what I perceive to be childish activities; my sister-in-law has been a member of a YSA ward in Utah for a number of years now. When we were chatting on Skype a couple of months ago, she got talking about a group date she was planning. They had decided that they were going to get together to make a blanket fort.