MMM Search Term Roundup 16: January 2014 - March 2014

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by Scott Heffernan:

When someone finds Modern Mormon Men via search engine, we get to see what they typed to get here, giving us a small glimpse into the thought processes of those who happen upon our site. I think our readers need to see these, so I'll be sharing them monthly. Some are funny, some are sad, some are disturbing. Maybe we can work together to give some context or help answer some of those curious questions. WARNING: Although some of the more explicit entries have been excluded, saucier phrases that are included have not been edited.

See all Search Term Roundups here.

do i have to wear a shirt and tie to mormon church
I would at least wear a shirt.

mormon soaking floating marinating
Whatever you call it, you’re not fooling anyone.

are mormon men good in bed
No.

are murmons good in bed
Yes.

why dont mormons have nipples
You’re thinking of Jehovah’s Witnesses.

Temple Square Stereoscopics and GIFs

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by Scott Heffernan:

On a recent trip to Salt Lake City we stopped by Temple Square. The temple grounds have always fascinated me. I often feel a strange aura there. There's the cheerful families and tourists that give it a sense of levity. At the same time there's sort of a ghostly air filled with esoteric symbolism, deep longing, and moodiness. I took some photographs on our visit not intending to put them together like this. However, I noticed later on that pairing some of them up created that quirky combination of mysticism and frivolity I experience at the Salt Lake Temple.

Scott Heffernan is a graphic designer and photographer in Seattle. He works on the creative team at Archie McPhee doing all manner of strange things. He grew up a child of the ‘80s in Salt Lake City, served a mission to England/Wales, and got a degree in American Sign Language from the University of Utah. After marrying his sweetheart, they moved to Seattle and had three beautiful baby boys together. He loves toys, skateboarding, and thrift store shopping and has impeccable Modar. Twitter: @ScottHeffernan. Tumblr: ScottHeff.tumblr.com.
Images: Scott Heffernan (used with permission).

Mormon Doppelgängers 18: Young John Taylor & Jeff Daniels

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by Scott Heffernan:

Young John Taylor looks a lot like Jeff Daniels. They both sing. They’re both woodworkers. They were both Methodists at certain points in their lives. Jeff Daniels has three kids—named Ben, Lucas, and Nelly. John Taylor fathered 34 children—I’m just going to assume there was a Ben, Lucas, and Nelly in there somewhere.

Introducing Kolob Kitsch!

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by Scott Heffernan:

I'm excited to announce a new website I've been working on—Kolob Kitsch! Celebrating the weird and the wonderful of Mormon culture, humor, and arts. I created Kolob Kitsch as an outlet to share the oddly charming and overlooked treasures of Mormondom. I’m a lifelong and faithful member of the LDS church, but also have a bit of a twisted sense of humor.

Kitsch refers to items that are considered to be distasteful, garish, or overly sentimental, but are appreciated in an ironic or knowing way. I’ve always had a fascination with Mormon and religious kitsch, and plenty will be featured here. Many of the themes on the site will go beyond the scope of kitsch, but I chose that word because I like the tone it sets.

Mormon life is endlessly beautiful, inspiring, peculiar, and absurd. Kolob Kitsch is irreverent, but good-natured. I hope you enjoy this collection of paraphernalia I’ll be creating and curating.

MMM Search Term Roundup 15: January 2014 - March 2014

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by Scott Heffernan:

When someone finds Modern Mormon Men via search engine, we get to see what they typed to get here, giving us a small glimpse into the thought processes of those who happen upon our site. I think our readers need to see these, so I'll be sharing them monthly. Some are funny, some are sad, some are disturbing. Maybe we can work together to give some context or help answer some of those curious questions. WARNING: Although some of the more explicit entries have been excluded, saucier phrases that are included have not been edited.

See all Search Term Roundups here.

spencer w. kimball if you are bored in sacrament meeting, it is because you are boring
I must be really, really, really boring then.

my baby screamed through blessing
Then it didn't count. Sorry. God can't hear what you're saying over the crying.

pictures of ammon cutting off arms
You need some art to hang in your kitchen?

what to expect on a mormon first date
Light petting at most.

rowan atkinson mormon
Oh this would be a dream come true.

wear yellow for a return missionary
Please don’t do that.

Explaining Excommunication to a Four-Year-Old

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by Scott Heffernan:

Last night, my wife and I were watching the livestream of John Dehlin addressing the crowd after his disciplinary council. My precocious four-year-old son started to intentionally annoy us to get our attention:

Wife: Please stop. This is important news.

Four-year-old: Why?

Me: Because he's getting kicked out of the church.

Four-year-old: Does he need our help?

MMM Library: Mormon Doppelgängers 1, 2 & 3

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by Scott Heffernan:

If you've never seen TotallyLooksLike.com, it’s worth checking out. Part of the Cheezburger network, it compares two pop culture images that look eerily similar. It's creepy and hilarious, but is lacking on the Mormon front. So I'm starting a series called Mormon Doppelgängers, which hopes to bring to light examples that are more relevant to our neck of the woods. Here's a few to get us started.

See all Doppelgängers here.

Spencer W. Kimball & Yoda

Had to get this one out of the way. Rumor has it Yoda was actually modeled after our beloved prophet. Rumor has a lot of things that aren't true though. Still, with the voice, hair, ears, and overall cuteness, one has to wonder.

J. Golden Kimball & James Cromwell

You may remember James Cromwell from such films as Babe, L.A. Confidential, The Queen, or the 153 other movies and TV shows he's appeared in. Or maybe you only recognize him as Mr. Skolnick in the made for TV movie Revenge of the Nerds IV: Nerds in Love. More importantly, he looks a heck of a lot like our favorite swearing General Authority. The resemblance is so uncanny it makes me question my beliefs about reincarnation. Elder Kimball died in 1938 and Mr. Cromwell was born less than two years later in 1940. Follow the logical conclusion, people.

Design Mom & Valeria Golino

A beautiful mommy/lifestyle blogger and a beautiful Italian actress. Don't know who Valeria Golino is? Think harder. Think Rain Man, Hot Shots! (along with Hot Shots! Part Deux of course), and Big Top Pee Wee. She even dated Pee Wee Herman during filming. Design Mom a.k.a. Gabrielle Blair never dated Pee Wee (as far as we know). However, she is a pioneer, a trendsetter, and runs one of the most successful mommy blogs out there. We're proud to claim her as one of our most creative Mormon icons.

Images via here, starwars.com, here, here, justinhackworth.com, and IMDb.

Please refrain from making any personal attacks on anyone featured. Cruel comments will not be tolerated. And yes, I realize the irony that the post itself could be considered a cruel personal attack.

Want to submit ideas or images? Do it.

This post was originally published May 3, 2011.


Scott Heffernan is a graphic designer and photographer in Seattle. He works on the creative team at Archie McPhee doing all manner of strange things. He grew up a child of the ‘80s in Salt Lake City, served a mission to England/Wales, and got a degree in American Sign Language from the University of Utah. After marrying his sweetheart, they moved to Seattle and had three beautiful baby boys together. He loves toys, skateboarding, and thrift store shopping and has impeccable Modar. Twitter: @ScottHeffernan. Tumblr: ScottHeff.tumblr.com.

Vote or Die 9: Which Church Time Is Best?

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by Scott Heffernan:

It’s a new year! A time for renewal, a time for resolve, a time for change. For most of us, the hours we have been designated to attend our local ward congregation has shifted with the new year. Most LDS church schedules go for three hours on Sundays rotating annually between 9am to 12pm, 11am to 2pm, and 1pm to 4pm. (I know there are exceptions to this, but these are the most common.) So which one is the coveted slot?

I’m automatically throwing out 1 o’clock because it is so obviously the worst (barring aforementioned exceptions like 2:30pm to 5:30pm—what!?). If 1 o’clock is your favorite time slot, I’m not sure I even want you taking this survey. If you feel strongly about it, go ahead and try to win us over in the comment section. We’ve probably all had a similar dialogue about the two earlier spots. 9 o’clock is a little too early, but it's great because you get it over with and have the rest of your Sunday ahead of you. 11 o’clock gives you a bit of time to sleep in, but getting out at 2 doesn't quite have the same swagger that getting out at noon does.

What say ye?

See all Vote or Die posts here.


Scott Heffernan is a graphic designer and photographer in Seattle. He works on the creative team at Archie McPhee doing all manner of strange things. He grew up a child of the ‘80s in Salt Lake City, served a mission to England/Wales, and got a degree in American Sign Language from the University of Utah. After marrying his sweetheart, they moved to Seattle and had three beautiful baby boys together. He loves toys, skateboarding, and thrift store shopping and has impeccable Modar. Twitter: @ScottHeffernan. Tumblr: ScottHeff.tumblr.com.

Mormon Crushes 2014

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by Scott Heffernan:

This is my fourth year sharing my Mormon Crushes. A Mormon Crush is a passionate respect for the way one approaches Mormonism and faith—an infatuation with one's "Mormon style." I like the term crush because it captures the fleeting attraction I sometimes feel after being impressed with someone.

I used the same criteria as past years:
• They must be somewhat of a public figure.
• They must be living.
• No general authorities at or above the level of seventy.

Here are the Mormons who inspired me in 2014 and to keep an eye on in 2015.

Fiona Givens
I included Fiona Givens' husband, Terryl, on my list last year. I was tempted to include Fiona on last year’s crushes as well, but I simply hadn’t quite heard/read enough of her. This year I attended a fireside with the Givens’ as well as started reading The God Who Weeps (and will read The Crucible of Doubt next). Between the firesides, books, and her appearances on the Mormon Matters podcast, my crush has definitely been solidified. Fiona is as every bit as charming in real life as she is in various media. She is eloquent, articulate, and seems to have a dash of troublemaker in her. I particularly enjoyed her thoughts on "Wrestling with Prophets and Scripture" and female ordination. Fiona and Terryl seem to compliment each other greatly.

MMM Search Term Roundup 14: October 2013 - December 2013

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by Scott Heffernan:

See all Search Term Roundups here.

When someone finds Modern Mormon Men via search engine, we get to see what they typed to get here, giving us a small glimpse into the thought processes of those who happen upon our site. I think our readers need to see these, so I'll be sharing them monthly. Some are funny, some are sad, some are disturbing. Maybe we can work together to give some context or help answer some of those curious questions. WARNING: Although some of the more explicit entries have been excluded, saucier phrases that are included have not been edited.

is it okay to cut up lds hymn book
If it touches the ground, you're actually required to do this.

mormon dating too expensive
Mormon dating is pretty much the cheapest dating you're going to get.

heavy petting
I actually prefer light.

book of mormon musical parental guide
Yeah, I think I’d have the kiddos skip that one.

nephi, have some peanuts

why mormon men are awesome
Because we blog about our feelings.

Happy Thanksgiving in 32 GIFs!

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by Scott Heffernan:

It's Thanksgiving! Yay!

It's important to spend quality time with family…

And stay connected to your siblings.

Photo Essay: Gilgal Gardens at Night

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by Scott Heffernan:

If you live near Salt Lake City, Utah, you've probably at least heard of the Gilgal Sculpture Garden (or Gilgal Gardens). If you've never been to this stunningly strange spectacle, I highly recommend a visit.

Growing up in the 1980s, we knew this place as Mormon Land. We didn't know much else. We'd go in the middle of the night and had to hop a fence to get to it. With our flashlights we could make out a sphinx with Joseph Smith's face, some creepy quotes, and a guy wearing brick pants. It felt very spooky, dangerous, and thrilling!

Gilgal was built by an eccentric Mormon Bishop named Thomas Child starting in 1945, purchased by a neighbor upon his death in 1963, then in the year 2000, sold to a group whose mission is to preserve and restore the garden. Gilgal Sculpture Garden is now a city park and open to the public.

I took these photographs in 2005. I shot the garden at night because I wanted to recreate the mystery and angst that surrounded it for me as a kid. Very long exposures brought out the peculiar purple color of the sky.

Mormonism and Bigfoot

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by Scott Heffernan:

As I was riding along the road on my mule I suddenly noticed a very strange personage walking beside me.... His head was about even with my shoulders as I sat in my saddle. He wore no clothing, but was covered with hair. His skin was very dark. I asked him where he dwelt and he replied that he had no home, that he was a wanderer in the earth and traveled to and fro. He said he was a very miserable creature, that he had earnestly sought death during his sojourn upon the earth, but that he could not die, and his mission was to destroy the souls of men. About the time he expressed himself thus, I rebuked him in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by virtue of the Holy Priesthood, and commanded him to go hence, and he immediately departed out of my sight.... [Lycurgus A. Wilson, Life of David W. Patten [Salt Lake City: Deseret News, 1900], p. 50., quoted by Spencer W. Kimball, The Miracle of Forgiveness, pp. 127-128.]

I love this story. I don’t believe it’s true, but I still find it fascinating. I initially came across it as I read Spencer W. Kimball’s The Miracle of Forgiveness on my mission (not recommended). I’m not quite sure why President (then Elder) Kimball included it in his book. It doesn’t seem to serve much purpose other than to point that murderers exist, they are evil, and Cain was (or is) one of them. I like to imagine Elder Kimball recalling the story and thinking, “This is awesome! I’ve got to find a way to work it in.”

The Holy Ghost, Right On Time

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by Scott Heffernan:

Scott Heffernan is a graphic designer and photographer in Seattle. He works on the creative team at Archie McPhee doing all manner of strange things. He grew up a child of the ‘80s in Salt Lake City, served a mission to England/Wales, and got a degree in American Sign Language from the University of Utah. After marrying his sweetheart, they moved to Seattle and had three beautiful baby boys together. He loves toys, skateboarding, and thrift store shopping and has impeccable Modar. Twitter: @ScottHeffernan. Tumblr: ScottHeff.tumblr.com.
Image credit: Scott Heffernan.

MMM Library: 9-11 Remembrances

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by Seattle Jon:

What do you remember? Leave a comment ...

Seattle Jon
I was an investment banker in Baltimore on 9-11. I was at my desk when the first and second planes hit the towers. I remember the guy who sat across from me (he was also LDS) turning around and saying, "Hey, there are planes hitting buildings in New York." When the third plane hit the Pentagon, he turned around again and said, "Dude ... I think this is the end of the world." His statement sent chills through me. Soon after, we went down to the trading floor where we watched both towers fall on fifty television screens. It was horrifying to think what our headquartered colleagues across the street from the towers were going through. Baltimore essentially shut down, and I was only able to get out of the city because I knew a few cabbies. I spent the next few days glued to the news, worrying about my wife and daughter in Utah.

Scott Heffernan
I was on a mission in Bristol, England on 9/11. We happened to be tracting door-to-door when the attacks began. We knocked on a woman’s door, introduced ourselves as missionaries, and she curtly told us she was not interested. As we were walking away she said, “Wait…Have you seen what’s going on?...I think you better come in.” We watched her TV in shock and confusion as the first tower burned, a plane crashed into the second tower, and then both towers collapsed. It was a heavy, heavy day and the mission changed a great deal after that.

MMM Library: Endure to the End Zone

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by Scott Heffernan:

This post was originally published August 10, 2011.


Scott Heffernan is an artist, designer, and photographer living in Seattle. He works on the creative team at Archie McPhee, doing all manner of strange things. He grew up a child of the 80s in Salt Lake City and loves skateboarding, toys, and thrifting. He served a mission in England/Wales and has a degree in American Sign Language from the University of Utah. He has one wife and two kids. Twitter: @ScottHeffernan. Tumblr: ScottHeff.tumblr.com.

MMM Search Term Roundup 14: July 2013 - September 2013

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by Scott Heffernan:

See all Search Term Roundups here.

When someone finds Modern Mormon Men via search engine, we get to see what they typed to get here, giving us a small glimpse into the thought processes of those who happen upon our site. I think our readers need to see these, so I'll be sharing them monthly. Some are funny, some are sad, some are disturbing. Maybe we can work together to give some context or help answer some of those curious questions. WARNING: Although some of the more explicit entries have been excluded, saucier phrases that are included have not been edited.

how are mormon children punished
We make them go to church for three hours.

things to bless a baby with
Super speed and x-ray vision.

mormon labyrinth

can mormons wear tank tops
Of course! What a silly question.

can mormon guys wear tank tops
Nope.

Illustrated Mormons 2

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by Scott Heffernan:

A while back I shared some Illustrated Mormons modeled after Julian Opie's iconic portrait style. Here are a few more to add to the collection.

Latter-day Prophets: Joseph Smith, John Taylor, Wilford Woodruff, Brigham Young

The Mormon Comic Sans Project 2

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by Scott Heffernan:

The Mormon Comic Sans Project is an ongoing design exercise that involves taking Mormon-related logos, and replacing them with designer-unfriendly Comic Sans font. You can see the first batch here. They are kind of hideous and glorious at the same time.

There are still plenty of logos to go, but if there's one in particular you'd like to see in the next batch, let me know in the comments.

(Click on any image to see the original logo.)

More Thrift Store Finds

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by Scott Heffernan:

I previously wrote about how Instagram has saved my marriage. I do a lot of thrift store shopping and want to buy every weird thing I see. My wife hates clutter and will probably divorce me if I bring home one more piece of junk priceless treasure. Taking pictures of these items and sharing them on Instagram has been the perfect compromise. (I still buy a modest amount of bric-a-brac.) Here are some of my latest finds.

Deceased Grandma angel wears socks and sandals, still needs glasses.