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Tuesday, March 24, 2015

MMM Search Term Roundup 15: January 2014 - March 2014

by Scott Heffernan:

When someone finds Modern Mormon Men via search engine, we get to see what they typed to get here, giving us a small glimpse into the thought processes of those who happen upon our site. I think our readers need to see these, so I'll be sharing them monthly. Some are funny, some are sad, some are disturbing. Maybe we can work together to give some context or help answer some of those curious questions. WARNING: Although some of the more explicit entries have been excluded, saucier phrases that are included have not been edited.

See all Search Term Roundups here.

spencer w. kimball if you are bored in sacrament meeting, it is because you are boring
I must be really, really, really boring then.

my baby screamed through blessing
Then it didn't count. Sorry. God can't hear what you're saying over the crying.

pictures of ammon cutting off arms
You need some art to hang in your kitchen?

what to expect on a mormon first date
Light petting at most.

rowan atkinson mormon
Oh this would be a dream come true.

wear yellow for a return missionary
Please don’t do that.

erotic mormon lds confessions
I think you’re looking for LDS Living.

smoking is worshipping false gods
Yeah but not e-cigarettes though.

when does sacrament meeting supposed to end?
22 minutes late.

mormon punishment for children
Guilt and shame.

how many mormons do u take fishing. dont get it
It’s because Mormons don’t eat fish around other Mormons, but if you get them alone, they will eat all your fish. Pretty funny.

are there any lds radio stations for kids
Oh, I hope not.

mormons and tank tops
You mean lingerie?

are mormon men good in bed
See below.

lds men make forts and play
So… yes.

mormon tabernacle choir scissorhands
That is one of the oddest pairings I can think of and I hope we can make this happen somehow.

do doppelgangers exist

mormons should be clean shaven
I agree 100%.

does heavenly father have a beard
Yes, but Heavenly Father’s not Mormon.

reasons to attend byu
To experience what modern day Pharisees are like.

nothing more frightening than with a man that has a mall.kiosk
Especially if he’s selling the Living Scriptures.

qualifications of a mormon bishop
I think *willing* is the biggest qualification.

can mormons have crushes
The word of wisdom isn’t that strict.

can mormons have dogs
We’re not supposed to eat dogs.

blessing of non mormon baby
You mean heathen babies. SHUNNNN!

how to get a mormon girl to fall in love with you
Do your home teaching.

is chick fil a a mormon
Chick-Fil-A is a Mormon.

men in only socks
Yeah, that’s about the unsexiest thing I can think of.

nude guys wearing two pairs of socks
Okay, you found something even more unsexy.

mormon back rubbing
Only permitted obnoxiously out in the open during sacrament meeting where everyone can see you.

is it a sin to be so bored?
No. It’s what you do when you’re bored that’s a sin. You know what you do.

modren mormon masturbation
I wasn’t actually going to say it.

personality of men wearing black socks
Those men are always uncomfortable.

mumus for men

what does it mean to be a mormon man
Let me know when you find out.

what is the hardest lds mission
The answer is mine. Mine was the hardest. It was the most expensive and now it’s closed down. Mine.

are any mormon twins married to the same man
I heard the twins from The Shining are now.

menace 2 society quotes
I don’t know why we came up under this search, but here ya go.
Caine: Went into the store just to get a beer. Came out an accessory to murder and armed robbery. It's funny like that in the hood sometimes. You never knew what was gonna happen, or when. After that I knew it was gonna be a long summer.

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Scott Heffernan is a graphic designer and photographer in Seattle. He works on the creative team at Archie McPhee doing all manner of strange things. He grew up a child of the ‘80s in Salt Lake City, served a mission to England/Wales, and got a degree in American Sign Language from the University of Utah. After marrying his sweetheart, they moved to Seattle and had three beautiful baby boys together. He loves toys, skateboarding, and thrift store shopping and has impeccable Modar. Twitter: @ScottHeffernan. Tumblr:

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