MMM Search Term Roundup 14: July 2013 - September 2013

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by Scott Heffernan:

See all Search Term Roundups here.

When someone finds Modern Mormon Men via search engine, we get to see what they typed to get here, giving us a small glimpse into the thought processes of those who happen upon our site. I think our readers need to see these, so I'll be sharing them monthly. Some are funny, some are sad, some are disturbing. Maybe we can work together to give some context or help answer some of those curious questions. WARNING: Although some of the more explicit entries have been excluded, saucier phrases that are included have not been edited.

how are mormon children punished
We make them go to church for three hours.

things to bless a baby with
Super speed and x-ray vision.

mormon labyrinth

can mormons wear tank tops
Of course! What a silly question.

can mormon guys wear tank tops
Nope.

will a "mormon man" hug a female friend
You mean go to second base? Only if they plan on going to the bishop after.

is arcade fire a mormon band
Their rendition of "If You Could Hie to Kolob" is the coolest thing I've ever heard.

help i love flirting with mormons
You’ll be baptized within a year.

how to attract mormon guys
Show some shoulder—but not too much shoulder.

do all mormon men have to do home teaching?
Only the ones who want to go to the CK.

how to get out of home teaching mormon
Just ask. It works.

how often to conduct "home teacher" interviews
Eew. Never.

how to make home teaching interesting
Try giving them “interviews.”

what's the relationship of coldplay & piano guy
They're just friends … with benefits.

is mormonism a scam
You’re thinking of Nu Skin.

why don't mormons have dogs
We covenant not to in our temples.

flying mormon

robert d. hales there are some movies that you’ll never be old enough to see.
Like From Justin to Kelly and Superman IV.

brigham young advice to wife
Not sure I would take marriage advice from Brigham Young.

mormon petting
…is the best kind of petting.

mormon float sex
…is the best kind of float sex (I’ve heard).

satan hates mormons
Yeah, but doesn’t he hate everybody?

what does the second counselor in the bishopric do
He’s the muscle.

hugging lamanite
One time I got a flat tire in the middle of the desert. I didn’t have a spare and was beginning to worry. I said a quick prayer and suddenly a man driving a truck pulled up behind me. The man got out of his truck, said nothing, and gave me a big hug. I turned to ask if he had a spare tire, but he was gone. I had to hitchhike to the next town to get help.

how to spot mormons at work
Come to work with a large coffee. Each person you come across say, “Man, I love coffee. Can’t start the day without a big cup of coffee? Don’t you love coffee? Do you want a sip of my coffee?” Anyone who doesn’t take you up on your offer is probably Mormon.

president hinckley warns about energy drinks
He mostly just warned about their horrible taste.

elder scott eye contact

what is the deal with polygamy
And airline food! Right!?

things to do when bored in church
What a coincidence! I have a post that addresses this exact issue.

how can you spot a mormon
Well I have another post on that subject! Hmm…

cemetery miniature models
Okay. This is too weird.

what to do when you have a crush on your mormon home teacher
Just say, “Is your name Virtue? Because you garnish my thoughts unceasingly.” Then cackle and show some shoulder.


Scott Heffernan is an artist, designer, and photographer living in Seattle. He works on the creative team at Archie McPhee, doing all manner of strange things. He grew up a child of the 80s in Salt Lake City and loves skateboarding, toys, and thrifting. He served a mission in England/Wales and has a degree in American Sign Language from the University of Utah. He has one wife and two kids. Twitter: @ScottHeffernan. Tumblr: ScottHeff.tumblr.com.