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Thursday, March 7, 2013

What to Do When Bored in Church

by Scott Heffernan (bio)

President Spencer W. Kimball was once asked, "What do you do if you find yourself caught in a boring sacrament meeting?" His reply: "I don't know; I've never been in one."

I've been to hundreds. Which makes me qualified to answer the question. While working on one of my Search Term Roundups, I found someone had reached our site by Googling, "I dislike Mormon sacrament meetings." Unfortunately this person is not alone. I jotted down some ideas for things I could do to help liven things up a bit. Some of them cross the line, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

16 Things to Do When Bored in Church
1. Oppose someone's calling (always wanted to do this)
2. Tell kids to pipe down or they'll go to Hell (say it awkwardly loud)
3. Look around during prayers – make eye contact with others – give thumb's up
4. Slip random notes into hymnbooks  ‘Dinosaurs are a lie Satan invented to trick us.’ Etc.
5. Play Testimony Bingo
6. Look around room – guess which kingdom each ward member is going to (DO NOT write down guesses)
7. Pull aside every deacon that's walking by – whisper, ‘You're doing a really great job!’
8. Give some audible ‘Mmm-hmms’ during prayers
9. Casually slip in alternate lyrics while singing hymns
10. Mess with the kid sitting in front of me (if he tells his parents – just keep a straight face and deny it – who are they gonna believe? – I’m like 30)
11. Act out Book of Mormon stories with G.I. Joe action figures
12. Look up dirty scriptures—show them to wife (*Genesis 38:9 is a good place to start)
13. Embarrass wife by staring at her for 5 minutes straight
14. Learn the sacrament prayer in Sign Language – perform it with eyes closed
15. Look through hymnbook & add " the toilet" after each title (Note: some are blasphemous; some are wonderful)
16. Wrap scripture cover around Johnny Cash's autobiography Cash by Johnny Cash – read during high council talk

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