Joseph Smith, Sausages, and My Testimony

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by ldsbishop:

The West Wing episode "Five Votes Down" finds the senior White House staff in a race against time to find the extra votes they need to pass a gun control bill. Leo McGarry, the White House Chief of Staff remarks, "There are two things in the world you never want to let people see how you make 'em: laws and sausages."

I would add one more thing: religions.

I began to investigate The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in 2002, in my early twenties. I would receive the discussions from the missionaries, and with my appetite sufficiently whetted, in between the scripture reading and prayer they asked me to do, I would turn to the internet to find extra information.

In some ways, I count myself very lucky that I was able to integrate the awkward issues surrounding Church history into my testimony. By the time I entered the waters of baptism, I was well aware of the issues surrounding polygamy, race and the priesthood, the Book of Abraham, DNA evidence for the Book of Mormon and various other topics, none of which the missionaries, I suppose correctly, discussed with me. I was able to discuss these issues with my future father-in-law who would honestly answer my questions based on his cavernous knowledge of Church history.

A rather crude analogy would be that I was able to apply the above sausage rule in developing my testimony of the restored gospel. OK, so some strange ingredients were around but the end results still tasted good to me and I wanted some of it.

More Mormon TV

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by ldsbishop:

Previous installment can be found here.

Summer is almost over, the days are getting colder and the nights are getting longer. Lock your kids in their bedrooms, put your snuggie on and settle down to watch the latest and best Mormon TV shows.

Stake of Thrones
Fantasy drama following the many stories of the members of the Westeros 2nd Stake. Stories include that of Brother Robb Stark, out to get Stake President Joffrey who had Robb's father released as the Stake Executive Secretary. Also see Sister Daenerys Targaryen get lost on a YW camp hike.

24
Brother Bauer is a veteran member of the High Council. His talks seem to go on all day and make people want to commit acts of extreme violence.

Food Storage Wars
When the local supermarket goes out of business, members of the Relief Society engage in physical fights to get a good deal on a case-lot of kidney beans.

50 Shades of Grey
Lengthy review of the suits worn by your favourite General Authorities. This week, Dark Charcoal #18 as worn by President Henry B. Eyring during the April 2010 General Conference.

Elder Pythons Flying Stake Roadshow
Wacky revue featuring your favourite sketches. Includes "Nobody expects the Stake Disciplinary Council" and "The Quorum of Silly Walks."

Man vs. Food
After recent employment problems, Brother Richman is inundated with meals provided by his local Relief Society. He feels obliged to eat them all, in spite of gaining 300lbs over the last three months. The latest episode sees him attempt to eat 5lbs of Sister Jensen's famous "all beef" lasagne in one sitting.

Empty Calories

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by ldsbishop:

For the past two years my wife and I have given up refined sugar for Lent. It isn't a Christian tradition that Mormons follow but we thought it would be a good idea to have an excuse to keep healthy with the added benefit of giving us the opportunity to think of the Saviour whenever we started jonesing for the white stuff.

The entire process was hellish. I would look for any excuse to cram some sugar into my body. In the end, I justified that Green & Blacks organic chocolate contained organic raw cane sugar which was less addictive, therefore nowhere near as bad for me (right? right!). If you disagree that refined sugar is addictive, try giving it up for over a month. The fact is, sugar can be addictive the same way heroin or cocaine can be and it is a cause of increasing health problems in western society.

Anyway, this isn't going to be a rant about sugar, but the process of attempting to give it up for a month made me consider some of the other figurative empty calories that we consume on a regular basis and struggle to get away from. There can even be many such examples in the Church.

MMM Library: The Infantilisation of Young Single Adults

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Brother Troy and Brother Abed hope their pillow and blanket fort will serve as an object lesson for their dates.
The fort is an allegory for the Priesthood protection they'll provide for these dear sisters if they but agree
to be their eternal companions. However, like a blanket fort, their object lesson is flimsy.

A couple of years ago, in one of my trips to Utah to visit with my wife's family, I went Christmas shopping at the Gateway Mall in Salt Lake City. I was walking along with my wife and infant son, slightly freezing to death in the Utah winter, when I was approached by eight young adults (early 20's, equal numbers of men and women). Now, in most cities of the world, when you're approached by a gang of young people, you get ready to hand over your wallet and hope you don't end up being stabbed in the face. This was Utah, however, so I was ready to expect something different.

The "gang" leader started the conversation: "Hey man, can we have your name please? You're wearing a green shirt and we need someone wearing one."

It turns out they were on a scavenger hunt as part of a YSA group date and they had to complete a number of tasks that one of them had drawn together in advance. I was number 15: Find someone wearing a green shirt, get their name and take a photo.

Now, don't get me wrong, they seemed to be having a lot of fun and were positively gleeful when they heard my British accent, but I couldn't help thinking that their "date" was more suitable for a bunch of school children.

Speaking of what I perceive to be childish activities; my sister-in-law has been a member of a YSA ward in Utah for a number of years now. When we were chatting on Skype a couple of months ago, she got talking about a group date she was planning. They had decided that they were going to get together to make a blanket fort.

Five Years In

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by ldsbishop:

I have recently passed my 5th Anniversary of being called as the Bishop of my ward. In early 2009 when I first started my calling there was no such thing as the iPad, missionaries were that little bit older and I had much fewer wrinkles. Back then I was a fresh-faced youngster, now I’m a grizzled, almost 32 year old.

As I looked back over the past five years, I made a number of observations, some of which I incoherently and randomly present below:

Serving as a Bishop teaches me compassion more that I ever thought possible
I’ve never been what I would describe as a “people person” so I always thought I would struggle with the love and compassion required for a Bishop. However, as I have served I have seen a wide range of human emotion and suffering. I suffer with my brothers and sisters as we work through their problems together. I can feel their pain and hurt and the various situations we deal with. My calling instills in me a desire to help people that was never there in the past.

Tied to the above is a greater appreciation for the atonement
I have encountered situations that I would have unlikely come across were it not for my particular calling. I can see how the atonement of the Saviour applies to the full scope of all human suffering. I doubt I will ever comprehend the true power of the atonement of Jesus Christ, but my testimony, such that is is, hinges on that event. Otherwise the whole thing would be pointless.

When you’re a Bishop you can’t avoid difficult decisions
As much as I’d like to run and hide from making the hard decisions that come with the calling, I have to be bold and confront the issues as they arise. Thankfully, I have not had to deal with much church discipline, but there are always things that need to be addressed by the Bishop, and no one else in the ward. I have found that if there is a situation that needs to be dealt with or a difficult decision to be made, I have to man-up and deal with it or things will get worse. I never really knew what discernment was until I started serving in this capacity. Thank God for the Holy Ghost!

My sense of humour has kept me going
A Bishop and those he serves with have to deal with some heartbreaking and upsetting situations on a regular basis. If I didn’t focus on the many good things that happen, the bad situations would grind me down. Coupled to this is the need to keep my sense of humour and enjoy a laugh and joke with my counsellors when we can. This makes dealing with the sombre times that little more bearable. Many of the situations we find ourselves in are so absurd you have to find the funny side of things. Sometimes all I can do to cope is to laugh at how obscure church service can sometimes become.

What This Bishop Has Learned From the Bishop of Rome

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by ldsbishop (bio)

I was sat in a Stake Priesthood Leadership Training Meeting when Jorge Mario Bergoglio was elected as the Bishop of Rome to become the 226th Pope of the Catholic Church. While I was concentrating on my priesthood meeting (honest!), I kept one eye on a live blog as Pope Francis was revealed to the world.

I love how theatrical the election of a Pope is, with the College of Cardinals locked away within the walls of the Sistine Chapel while the world awaits the white smoke signalling the result. When the President of the LDS Church dies, the result is a forgone conclusion, but the Papal Conclave adds an element of excitement to proceedings. I suppose not having a conclave in the LDS Church is a good thing, the smoke signalling the result would wreak havoc with the already terrible air quality in Salt Lake City.

Between the ages of 4 and 11 I went to a Catholic School. I wasn't a Catholic, my parents just enrolled me in a school with a good reputation, but I immersed myself in certain aspects of Catholic culture: attending mass each week and spending time after lunch with some friends and a Nun, going though the sequence of prayers on the Rosary in order to get out of playing outside. After leaving the school with good grades and a heavy dose of guilt, I left religion behind for ten years before I became a Mormon. Even though I was never an active Catholic I have always kept one eye open to what is happening in the Church that took such an important role in my early religious upbringing.

I have followed the change of tone emerging from the Catholic Church since the election of  Pope Francis and I have found a lot to be "of good report." The LDS Church has its fair share of balding white men to offer their spiritual insights to me, so I don't really need another from another faith but I just can't help but like Pope Francis.

Tips for Interviewing Youth

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by ldsbishop (bio)

An example of a youth interview from the lds.org image library. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't sit quite so close.

A recent article on Doves and Serpents discussed sexually invasive interviews between Priesthood leaders and minors in the LDS church. The potential for abuse in interview situations has long been a concern of mine and as I've blogged about before, I have been a victim of such an interview myself. I wasn't in what I would class a vulnerable group, just a naive new member, but the potential for abuse was still there.

Within the LDS church there exists the potential for a wonderful support structure for teenagers with the right Young Women and Young Men's leaders in place. Being a teenager is hard at the best of times, and love and guidance from dedicated leaders can certainly help during those times. However, it only takes a solitary leader, with a "little authority, as they suppose" to exercise unrighteous dominion and give a badly prepared or creepy interview.

After serving on a bishopric, and now as the bishop myself, I've had many opportunities to conduct interviews with the youth of my ward. Below are my own self-imposed rules/guidelines when it comes to these interviews:

1. This interview situation is not the time to develop a relationship with the YM or YW. Those opportunities exist outside of interviews during church activities and lessons. If the only time the YM/YW sees you is in a semi-annual interview, you're doing something wrong.
2. Seek parental consent whenever possible. In many circumstances, especially with younger youth, it may also be appropriate to invite the parent to attend the interview as well if the parent and child are in agreement.
3. Make sure that you are visible to people outside the office during the interview. The bishop's office in our building has a window in the door and my desk is angled in such a way that I can always be seen.
4. Possibly also keep the door ajar, this can be less intimidating to the interviewee and adds reassurance for the parents if not present.
5. If you feel the need to give a worthiness interview, stick to the Temple Recommend questions and don't deviate from them. Also, not all questions may be suitable for all age groups. I've never felt it appropriate to ask a 12 year-old young woman if she keeps the law of chastity.
6. Don't ever, ever probe for a confession to something. Confessions are voluntary and if your questioning is probing in the hope of them "spilling" something, I find that inappropriate and I would frankly class that as child abuse.
7. Don't think you are the only person to resolve any issues that the YM/YW might raise. They are probably more likely to share a concern with a parent or youth leader. Trust that those people help them. I let the YM/YW know that my door is always open if they have an issue they want to discuss and I stand ready to help, but that they shouldn't feel obliged to if they would rather share it with their parent or youth leader.
8. Teach doctrine, not your opinion.
9. Get the youth to interview you. It is sometimes more insightful for both of us if I answer their questions rather than them answering mine.
10. Elder Bednar has taught that "sequence is instructive." Resist the temptation to straight out ask a YM or YW, especially the younger ones, if they are preparing to serve a mission. Before they can serve a mission they need to know the doctrine, gain a testimony and be worthy to attend the temple. So ask how they are doing in seminary and how they are progressing with their Personal Progress/Duty to God awards etc. and teach how those things are important.
11. Interviews should be fun. Keep them as light hearted as possible. It is intimidating enough to be sat in front of a big desk with a suited man without it feeling like a grilling by the FBI. Remember the interview could very well be around the YM/YW's birthday, so don't make them associate their birthday with a grilling from their bishop.

Beyond this, the youth need to be taught what to expect from their interviews with the bishopric. Most importantly they need to be told what to do if they feel the questioning is becoming inappropriate (i.e. leave and tell someone you trust). I think we need to somehow address the power dynamic at play here. In a culture that teaches our youth to defer to authority, how can we teach them, especially the young women, to assert themselves when placed in inappropriate interview situations? In addition to this, bishopric members need the fear of God put into them regarding the consequences of them overstepping the mark when they are interviewing.

Have you been given the responsibility to interview the youth of the church? Do you have any tips or rules that you impose on yourself? When you were a YM/YW what were your positive, or not so positive, interview experiences? Feel free to share your comments and suggestions below ...

My First Calling

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by ldsbishop (bio)

General Authorities sustaining themselves in their callings during General Conference.
Notice how Elder Christofferson is flashing the peace sign. Right-on Brother.

Almost 11 years ago I was baptised in a large semi-rural ward in Utah. Living in a town where 80% of the population were already members and those remaining were unlikely to be so in this life, I was the ward's only convert baptism for years.

After a few weeks of me being a member, the bishop was prompted to open a dusty, seldom used drawer to pull out a New Member Checklist. The good bishop was determined to ensure I had the three things each new member needs: a friend, a responsibility and nurturing with "the Good Word of God". The friend bit was easy: I was engaged to another member of his ward (she was very friendly!). The nurturing with "the Good Word of God" is a humorous story for a coming month. The calling bit was the challenge that dragged on for many weeks.

One Sunday, after the church meetings were over, I was asked to stay behind and have a meeting with the bishop. This was to be my first one-on-one meeting with him and the expectation was that I would receive a calling. Back in 2002, the church was then releasing stake and ward websites for US based units with calendars, meeting times, etc. The bishop knew I was a recent computer science graduate and I expected that my first assignment would be to administer the new ward website.

Drops of Blood

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by ldsbishop (bio)

To me, the most emotive symbol of our faith is that of Jesus, alone in the Garden of Gethsemane, bleeding from every pore. While I understand why the process to take upon Himself the "pains and sicknesses of his people" needed to happen, I will never understand how He did it, since it is physically impossible for me to do so. What I do know is that some of that blood was for me, personally. By doing this for me, He knows exactly what it is like to be me at my worst.

One of the most gratifying experiences as a bishop is when you are the part of the process to help someone apply the atonement of the Saviour to their lives. There have been many times in my service when someone has come to me in some kind of pain, either caused by their own perceived sin, some kind of action by another or just caused by the general crappiness of life. Even if they just hope to believe it, to teach someone that the Saviour has also suffered exactly what they are going through and knows what it feels like, can be a crumb of comfort at a dark time.

I've come to understand that we all go through our own small, personal Gethsemane's; the times when we feel alone, abandoned and hopeless. These times are different to everybody: for some the worst time in their life might be when their TV breaks down and they are upset they can't watch whatever is on that night; for others it can be the most awful, calamitous situation that I can't even begin to understand. No two situations are ever exactly the same, that's why Christ is our "advocate with the Father" and nobody else, since nobody else knows what it feels like to be you and me.

The Infantilisation of Young Single Adults

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by ldsbishop (bio)

Brother Troy and Brother Abed hope their pillow and blanket fort will serve as an object lesson for their dates.
The fort is an allegory for the Priesthood protection they'll provide for these dear sisters if they but agree
to be their eternal companions. However, like a blanket fort, their object lesson is flimsy.

A couple of years ago, in one of my trips to Utah to visit with my wife's family, I went Christmas shopping at the Gateway Mall in Salt Lake City. I was walking along with my wife and infant son, slightly freezing to death in the Utah winter, when I was approached by eight young adults (early 20's, equal numbers of men and women). Now, in most cities of the world, when you're approached by a gang of young people, you get ready to hand over your wallet and hope you don't end up being stabbed in the face. This was Utah, however, so I was ready to expect something different.

The "gang" leader started the conversation: "Hey man, can we have your name please? You're wearing a green shirt and we need someone wearing one."

It turns out they were on a scavenger hunt as part of a YSA group date and they had to complete a number of tasks that one of them had drawn together in advance. I was number 15: Find someone wearing a green shirt, get their name and take a photo.

Now, don't get me wrong, they seemed to be having a lot of fun and were positively gleeful when they heard my British accent, but I couldn't help thinking that their "date" was more suitable for a bunch of school children.

Speaking of what I perceive to be childish activities; my sister-in-law has been a member of a YSA ward in Utah for a number of years now. When we were chatting on Skype a couple of months ago, she got talking about a group date she was planning. They had decided that they were going to get together to make a blanket fort.

"I'm a Mormon" Comes to the UK ... Big-Time

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by ldsbishop (bio)

The Book of Mormon musical opened in the West End of London last month. Back in September 2012, the musical started a clever advertising campaign in the city, advertising on London buses, the London underground and taking the front page of the Evening Standard (below), all based around the tagline "The Mormons are Coming."

Since the musical held its opening night, it has gone on to break box-office records and looks set to continue the success first seen on Broadway.

As expected, the response from the church to enquiries from the British press has been muted. The church once again published its dignified response first given in New York and has been quiet ever since. However, missionaries serving in London keep being stopped in the street and on public transport and asked if they are part of the musical. I believe the standard response is, "No, but here's a copy of the book." Now, missionaries in London and elsewhere have started ordering extra copies because they can't keep up with the demand.

In special training held throughout the UK last month, British Mormons were told how the musical in London provides a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to educate the British public about who we are and what we believe. To help with this, the church has just launched mormon.org.uk, much like mormon.org but more UK-focused and including more video profiles of members from the UK and Ireland.

Institutional Unrighteous Dominion

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by ldsbishop (bio)

Madonna Litta by Leonardo da Vinci
I assume Mary is in the Mother's lounge here
as there isn't an awkward high priest nearby

Picture the scene: I've been a member of the church for less than a year, and my wife and I had just moved to the UK to settle down as a young married couple. After a few weeks of attending our new ward, I'm ushered into an office to meet with a member of the Stake High Council who had been assigned to extend my first proper calling. After dispensing with the niceties, he said that before extending the calling he needed to assess my worthiness for it. I'd already sat through a few of these interviews before baptism and receiving priesthood offices, but this one turned out differently. This is how a portion of the interview went to the best of my recollection (parts of the conversation are redacted to get around Internet filters):

"Do you keep the law of chastity?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Well, since you are new to the church and recently married, I think we better review that a bit more."

Uh oh.

"A lot of young people think its OK to [redacted] with [redacted]. Sometimes you might want to wear [redacted] while whipping your wife's [redacted]. My wife has never liked performing [redacted] on my [redacted] and I agree that it isn't pleasant. You might be tempted to stick your [redacted] into [redacted] but it isn't how God intended it to happen. Sometimes [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] with a goat. So, do you still keep the law of chastity?"

If it wasn't a Fast Sunday, I'd have brought up my breakfast all over his loafers.

I quickly replied in the affirmative (even though my wife and I have [redacted] on a number of occasions) and the rest of the interview passed without incident. I left called as the new assistant ward clerk.

Afterwards I recounted the interview to my wife. She'd grown up in the church and alas had heard far too many stories of (mostly) priesthood leaders asking inappropriate questions regarding member's chastity and offering their opinions in that as well as other private matters.

As I moved throughout priesthood leadership within the stake I found out that this particular high councillor had a reputation for asking inappropriate questions. Of the many examples I'd heard, one included the time he asked an inactive 18 year-old daughter of one of our members how often she masturbated. He offered the excuse that he wanted to know if masturbation was leading to this individual's lack of activity. Yeah, right!

Mormon TV Listings

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by ldsbishop (bio)

Stuck for something to watch instead of having to play with the kids or talk to your spouse? Here are some of the forthcoming episodes of the hottest TV shows for the discerning Mormon viewer:

Homemakingland
Tense drama where a young Relief Society President with depression has suspicions that a member of the Stake High Council might be plotting the release of her ward's bishopric.

General Conference - Behind the Pulpit
Documentary featuring never before seen footage of the rehearsals for General Conference. See President Monson get caught in an alliterative tongue-twister. Also a chance to see the un-broadcast version of the "Little Factory" talk by Boyd K. Packer that includes the phrase "your spewing chimney releasing its noxious substance." Viewer discretion advised due to language.

Breaking [the word of wisdom] Bad
A Young Men's President (the dad from Malcolm in the Middle) earns extra cash by making his own highly-caffeinated energy drinks that are sold around the back of seminary buildings.

Sesame Ward
The High Priest Group Leader (Oscar the Grouch) bemoans poor Home Teaching statistics. The missionaries (Bert and Ernie) bring an investigator (Grover) to church with hilarious consequences. Brought to you by the number 3 [hour block] and the letters Zzzzzzzzz.

Mormon Cribs
See how your Church leaders and other rich and famous Mormons live. In the latest episode Elder Dallin H. Oaks invites the viewer into his home and shows off his food storage room. Mitt and Ann Romney give us a tour of one of their homes, take us on a ride on their car elevator and show us where all those binders full of women are stored.

Talking At People

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by ldsbishop (bio)

image courtesy of Mrs. ldsbishop

For the first twenty years or so of my life, I didn't much like the company of people. Crippling social anxiety during my school years, along with living in a rural part of the UK, meant I kept my circle of friends small and reassuringly familiar. Many people described me as being aloof when they tried to get to know me, but it wasn't a form of snobbery that was preventing me from engaging with them, it was just my natural shyness.

After a sequence of events too mundane and obscure to mention here, I ended up living and working in Utah, engaged to a beautiful girl and seriously investigating The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  Here was I, a skinny British kid from the shire, thrust into the most alien environment I had ever been in - a rural Utah Mormon ward. I'd only ever seen people wearing bolo ties and cowboy hats in the movies before. Now here were those people in the flesh, just less stereotypically cowboyish and more stereotypically Mormon.

Being thrust into an alien Church environment somehow did more to ease my social anxiety within minutes than months of sitting with a hypnotherapist ever achieved.  My mother hired him when I was ten in a desperate attempt to trick the shyness out of me ... it failed.

Was it the comforting messages of the gospel, the firmer knowledge that I was a child of God or just that the situation was so out of character and absurd it caused a short circuit in my brain that killed the anxiety? It seemed as if the Spirit was whispering to me, "Don't worry, don't feel embarrassed or anxious. The guy that's speaking to you is wearing a bolo tie with a picture of Jesus in the middle of it. You're not the odd one here."

So, instead of quickly making excuses and finding somewhere to be quiet, I was now at least able to hold a conversation with people. Or should I say, stand there while they talked at me. My gosh, these people didn't half like to talk. Yap, yap, yap, that's all people ever did with me. In the lessons, in the hall, during sacrament meetings. Mormons love to talk. Anyone who has ever had to sit in a High Priest Group lesson would soon realise that there is very little opportunity for silence and reflection. It's talk, talk, talk all the time.

Missionaries in the United Kingdom: A Cultural Guide

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by ldsbishop (bio)

During the October 2012 General Conference, we all cheered the announcement by President Monson that the age at which both male and female missionaries can serve was being lowered. Due to the anticipated increase in the number of missionaries serving, the amount of time they spend in the MTC will be reduced. This could mean that a greater number of young people will be set loose on the streets of the world with little knowledge of the cultural idiosyncrasies of the people they are supposed to teach.

After working with a number of full-time missionaries here in the UK during my years of Priesthood leadership, I have observed a number of pitfalls and mistakes they make due to their lack of knowledge of British culture. Below is my handy guide for potential missionaries that may end up serving over here in Blighty.

1. If you are called to serve in Britain, spend as much time as you can learning about the British way of life. The best way to do this is to buy the boxset of Downton Abbey. All British people are either landed gentry or serve them in some way. We also like getting it on with our cousins (this makes family history work easier to pursue, since we're all related very closely).
2. Following on from number 1, when tracting, you must never just walk up and knock on the front door. As the Lord's servants, you must enter the house via the servant's quarters. No matter how humble-looking their house might be, all British people have at least a butler and a maid, who you must pass first before you gain entrance to the house. The servant's quarters are normally found at the rear of the house. Upon knocking, ask the butler or maid if you "Might request an audience with his Lordship or her Ladyship."
3. Hollywood has depicted all British people to either be evil villains or cheerful Cockney chimney sweeps. Obviously, those are untrue stereotypes. Thankfully, since the release of Harry Potter, we are now shown in a more accurate light, inasmuch that we all have some kind of magic power. If the discussions are going well, why not ask the man of the house to "Whip out your wand so I can compare it the ones I've seen in the movies."
4. Brits and Americans are often said to be separated by a common language. Some words that might be perfectly innocent in the USA will cause offence in the UK. Among them are: fanny, sod, soccer, spunk, Mitt Romney, pants.
5. During World War II, American servicemen charmed lonely British women with presents such as pantyhose and gum. While the things they got up to might be against mission rules, commodities such as pantyhose are still in short supply. To gain the trust of British women always carry some pantyhose with you and offer them to the ladies at the earliest possible opportunity. This small gesture almost always guarantees you an invitation to teach them the discussions.
6. All cars drive on the left in the United Kingdom, but that's not the only thing you need to do on the left. It is a cultural requirement that you must also dress on the left (if male), vote on the left and only make left-turns when walking the streets.
7. Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II is our head of state. Since she is also head of the Church of England, all convert baptisms need to be authorised by her. Do this by writing her a letter requesting that one of her subjects be allowed to leave the Church of England to join The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Don't forget to be polite and address your letter to "Dear Sister The Queen." Requests are normally granted within 18-24 months. She's a busy lady, you know.
8. British people employ heavy use of sarcasm and irony in their humour. They will be telling you things and it might be difficult to know if they are joking with you or not. The best thing to do is laugh out loud at everything they say, no matter how serious they might be sounding at the time.

The points above are certainly not an exhaustive guide. Why not add some of your knowledge of British people and culture below, or give us some insight into your own country. The more information we have, the better we can train our prospective missionaries, allowing them to concentrate on what really matters - preaching the gospel and getting sick on obscure foreign foods.

The Duchess of Cambridge and the Culture of Pregnancy Nosiness

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by ldsbishop (bio)

Just as Britain was sinking into the depths of a winter depression after a summer celebrating the Olympic Games and the Queen's Diamond Jubilee, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge (Wills and Kate for those of you that get your Royal news from supermarket tabloids) performed the most solemn of duties to ensure the Commonwealth has an heir to the throne likely to survive into the 22nd century.

Ever since the former Kate Middleton walked out of Westminster Abbey with her new husband, there has been endless speculation as to when a bun might start baking in the Royal oven. A stream of "is she, or isn't she" stories have appeared in the gutter press since the Royal wedding night. Recently, that speculation was finally ended when it was announced that Kate was in hospital with hyperemesis gravidarum and expecting a baby. The world's media camped outside the hospital as the poor Duchess heaved inside.

Church members are taught the "decision as to how many children to have and when to have them is extremely intimate and private and should be left between the couple and the Lord. Church members should not judge one another in this matter" (Handbook 2, 21.4.4). However, I've observed that the speculation the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge received on a global scale also occurs on a much smaller scale in most wards and branches.

When Mrs. ldsbishop and I moved into a small ward soon after getting married, we were seen by some as a one-couple team that would stock the ward's Primary for a new generation. Below are just a few examples of that pressure:

1. Mrs. ldsbishop is lactose intolerant and would occasionally get bouts of nausea if she had too much dairy. When she was serving on the YW presidency she suffered an attack and overheard her fellow counsellor remark to the YW president "She's pregnant, I guarantee it."

Guest Post: The Frustration and Perspective of a Bishop

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Want to be translated like Enoch? Submitting a guest post to Modern Mormon Men is a good start. Send us an email with your post, a post title and a paragraph of introduction on yourself.

@ldsbishop is a currently serving Mormon bishop, far away from Utah. He is a young liberal called by a God with a sense of humour to preside over an older, conservative ward. His random gospel-themed thoughts get sorted into two categories. The minority are suitable for the sacrament talks he gives far too frequently. The rest are tweeted via @ldsbishop.

Image via WomenInTheScriptures.blogspot.com

I truly realised that change sometimes comes painfully slowly to the church was when the sister started crying about chairs in my office.

Our Relief Society president decided to rearrange the chairs in the Relief Society room into a horse-shoe shape instead of the traditional straight rows with an aisle down the middle arrangement. Judging from the reaction of some of the old-timers you'd have thought she was offering blood sacrifice on the embroidered table cloth at the front of the room.

So here I was comforting a lady 30 years my senior who was blubbing that she couldn’t stand the changes taking place and wished that things could go back to the way they were.

My natural instinct would be to say something like, "Stop being an idiot and pull yourself together!" but people expect a level of care from their bishop, so we had a long chat about her worries and about the greater scheme of things in the church. Trying to get people to put things into perspective is something I find myself doing far too often. Our conversation ended with me giving counsel which was essentially a very gentle version of, "Stop being an idiot and pull yourself together!" The chair arrangement in the Relief Society room reverted to the traditional layout a few weeks later.

The older people in the ward loved me until I became the bishop. Most still do, but a few were openly hostile because of my age (I was in my mid-twenties when I was called). When I was sustained, no one objected, but a few didn't raise their hands at all. So shocked were they that the Lord would call someone young enough to be their grandson to be their bishop they were frozen to the spot. One older lady hasn't been to church since. From conversations with others she has said that I will use my younger libido for evil and have affairs with the younger women of the ward. Like I have that kind of energy! It was certainly one of the more elaborate excuses for going inactive I've ever heard.