MMM Library: Welcome Casserole

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by Bishop Higgins:

Brother Royal Samuelson, executive secretary, calls members of the ward for various reasons. This time, to bring over a welcome casserole.



This post was originally published on May 16, 2011.


Bishop Gerald Higgins is the bishop of the 3rd Ward and the first thing you should know is that Bishop Higgins loves Jesus. Also apple juice, marching bands and things that are soothing, like sunsets, the holy spirit, and hand lotion. Now, hasn't he met you before? Perhaps 2.5 million years ago in the pre-existence. It seems you've changed some since you've taken on this mortal coil. Remember how we could never wear hats in the pre-existence? Too windy. Twitter: @bishophiggins. Blog: bishophiggins.blogspot.com.

A New Menu Item That's Spiritual

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by Bishop Higgins (bio)

You know how in church, when someone is conducting, they will announce the speaker and then say, "After which, we will hear from ...". Well I don't know about you, but that always makes me hungry.

So finally I've done something about it. I've invented a new sandwich I'm calling "The Afterwhich." It's roast beef on rye, but with capers instead of horse radish. And, it's to be eaten immediately following sacrament meeting. After which, you can enjoy Sunday School.

Dating Advice From Brigham Young

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by Bishop Higgins (bio)

Our ward historian, Brother Melden, has recently discovered an interesting text, and would like to share it with the ward. It is dating advice from the prophet Brigham Young, dated 1873. It is a privilege to see this before the rest of the world.

Brethren, when courting a young lady, it is important to remember to let virtue garnish your thoughts unceasingly. And don't forget to bring her a carnation. If you can, give her father a mule upon arrival. Not necessarily every time, but the first time, and then about one month later.

Always wear your best. Take her arm when walking down the street and make your intentions known from the very beginning. If she is to be your fourth or fifth wife, it is important for her to know this right from the start. Never bring any of your other wives on a date with a prospective wife.

Properly choosing a prospective date can be subjective, but within the following constraints. A proper lady will be able to play the harpsichord and can recite many poems. If the poems have been learned from sailors, steer clear of this one. If she snorts at any time, that indicates a problem.

Often you will ask yourself, but what will I talk about? Ask her about herself. Ask her if she has any fond memories about crossing the plains. Ask her if her shoulder is to the wheel. (It's a metaphor. If her shoulder is actually on a wheel, that's worse than snorting).

You may also want to ask her where she gets her petticoats. Then come and tell me. Some of my wives would like to find out where the best deal on petticoats can be had.

And always, always, always, remember to ask if she has any sisters.

Of Good Report: A Ward Update

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by Bishop Higgins (bio)

Photo by Adrian Clark.

Dear Brother Elgin,

I'm writing to give you an update on the ward. I know it's been so long since you've stepped foot in a Mormon church, but you're no doubt still interested in your previous friends and neighbors. You may not believe the same things they do anymore, but that's no reason why you shouldn't want to hear about who's paying the most tithing and how many times I've asked Sister McGonical to shave her beard. (Four times).

Let's see, what did I tell you last time I wrote? Are you aware that the quadruplets (Faith, Hope, Charity, Brenda) are now in primary? Sister Capstain, our nursery leader, was nearly driven to drink with them in her class (which would have made it easy for her since her husband keeps a "secret" stash in his garden shed). But now that they are in primary, I think she'll be less agitated. She's yelled at some of the children. I blame the quadruplets.

Gary Snarp changed his name again. As you may recall, he was previously named Gary Corby, and before that, Gary Glengary, and before that, simply "the Gare Gare." I hated that one. I don't mind Gary Snarp, but now he's changed it to Fred Snarp, which is weird because he has a cousin in Cincinnati that's also named Fred Snarp, but before that he was named Snarp Tuckington and before that, Rachel Snarp. We've got a lot of weirdos in the ward, but I should give Gary, er, I mean, Fred, a plaque for being the weirdest. I would, but honestly, I don't know what name to put on it.

Get To Know Your Ward Members: A German!

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by Bishop Higgins (bio)

Photograph by Heather Cowper

Niklas Gert just moved into our ward all the way from Altötting, Germany. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. That's a funny name for a town. You know what name I like for a town? Paris, which is a town in Idaho. And the reason I like it is because it reminds me of that town in France called Paris.

Niklas will be a great addition to our ward. He's a full tithe payer and has a funny accent.

Brother Gert has a number of successful restaurants in Germany and is planning on opening a couple restaurants here in Provo. He told me these will be a new idea, and something he feels would only work in this part of the world. His first restaurant will be called "Ox in the Mire" and it's only going to be open on Sunday. His second restaurant will be a men-only restaurant, and instead of sitting at tables to eat, once you get your food, you'll just stand over a sink and eat your food there.

We wish him all the best.

World's Greatest Dad

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by Bishop Higgins (bio)

As I've been told so often, I'm probably one of the best dads around, and since I'm one of the best, that means I'm a way better dad than you. It's nothing to be discouraged about, because all it means is that there's room for improvement for you. (But keep in mind, I'll still be improving, too, so it's nearly impossible for you to keep up). It's not a contest, though, and that's the good news. Although, I do have both a mug and a t-shirt that say, "World's Best Dad" while you have a t-shirt that says "Vivant."

I know what you're thinking. I know you think that because I have a boat, that's the reason I'm a better dad. Well, you rascal, you read my mind. But it's only part of the reason why I'm such a Great Dad. I also teach my kids about humility and serving others and that old people can be a fountain of knowledge. And you might say, "Well yes, old people are a fountain of knowledge if you want to know about what it's like to ride in a buggy, and the time Calvin Coolidge was the governor." But don't you see? That attitude is why I'm a better dad than you. And the boat.

But let's not get all caught up in who is better at what and how new whose boat is. Instead, let me give you some parenting nuggets to chew on.

First of all, only let your kids eat chicken nuggets once a year. Chicken patties only once every three years. Next, when spending time with teenagers, try to be cool, so they'll respect you. Talk about the internet and Carly Rae Jepson. Do not bring up Neil Diamond. And finally, implant a GPS tracker into the skull of each of your children. Trust is fine and all, but so is knowing exactly where your kids are.

Various Bogs and Spiritual Mire. Also, God Wants You to Coupon.

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by Bishop Higgins (bio)

So often in our lives we get bogged down with sin and bogs and responsibility and mindless errands and errands of great import and errands to Pier 1 Imports and so many things with varying degree of importance.

And it's good to remember, that through all of this, God wants us to be happy and he wants us to stop wearing those fancy track suits to the mall, and he always wants us to pray to him and he wants us to get a good value on so many of the things we buy. Beans. Corn. Whey. If we can get these at a discount, God will be happy. And he wants to know why we even need whey. So do I. I have no idea what that is for.

Couponing is good, but not necessary to be able to enter the celestial kingdom. Comfortable shoes are important, too, but again, not necessary to enter the kingdom. In fact, so many people in the world don't even have shoes. And do you know some people are pack rats. I know a guy that never took down his Christmas lights because he had no place to put them once they were down. I was personally disgusted. This was before I was bishop, back when I was way more judgmental about others than I am now.

I also knew a guy that saved his pizza crust in jars and would eat them later as snacks. I did not judge him because I met him when I was bishop. Now, I'm so good at NOT judging people. I'm also good at Foosball. And I can also nod and act like I'm listening when instead, I'm singing Bruce Hornsby songs in my head.

See what I mean get about getting bogged down.

Prayer Roll

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by Bishop Higgins (bio)

Image via annrkiszt

Our world is going to hell in a hand-basket, but that's no reason why we should stop going boating or learning a new skill, like whittling. But it is a reason why we should increase our prayers and give the people that need our help a gentle push from angels above.

I know what you're thinking. But Bishop, after we've asked for these donuts to nourish and strengthen our bodies, what else should we pray for? I'm so glad you asked because I have a mighty good list for you to consider.

1. Anyone who has fallen down a well and is still down there.
2. Not often, but every once in a while, you'll meet someone that still says, "You go girl." Let us pray for them.
3. I'm constantly praying that mosquitoes will become less "stingy." Won't you please join me in that prayer.
4. Let us pray that the U.S. continues to stockpile weapons just like Porter Rockwell and Jesus would want us to do.
5. Lazy people.
6. It's not a serious problem, but probably forgotten, so let us pray that very tall people (6 foot 5 inches and up) will be able to find attractive slacks -- without pleats -- without having to drive around to four different stores.
7. Let us pray for people that put sweaters on tiny dogs. They need our help.
8. Mitt Romney.
9. I think we should pray for limerick writers to come up with other things that rhyme with Nan Tucket.
10. Mitt Romney.

This Week's Most Popular Sins: Historical Edition, 1828

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by Bishop Higgins (bio)

Hiding your sister's bonnet
Losing 116 original manuscript pages of the Book of Mormon
Snake charming
Lady charming
Predicting that in the future, beards will be allowed at a learning institution called Ricks Academy
Wearing a dress that shows your ankles
Stealing
Skipping out on sock-darning class, again
Public farting (for attention)
Gluttony (including casseroles)

Get To Know Your Ward Members: Charlene Parmenter

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by Bishop Higgins (bio)

The name's Charlene. Charlene Parmenter. Just moved into the ward about four months ago into the old Forsgren home. Funny, when I walked through with the realtor, I didn't remember it having this smell. So when I come to church smelling like gerbils, you'll know the reason why.

I'm not married, now, but I used to be. Married twice, actually. My first husband and I opened a store in Santa Barbara back in the 70's called "Classy Gal." We sold women's dresses and custom fitted braziers. My husband left me for my sister and they opened up a shop just down the street called "Sassy Gal," which is good they changed the name, because there wasn't anything classy about the two of them, although my husband did have a mustache. His name was Gordon and I know I shouldn't say anything bad about him, but he had large bumps on the back of his head and I felt like, shallow as it may be, those bumps kept me from truly loving him.

My next husband was a wonderful man. Much shorter than me, but I felt like finding a man to marry that was 5 feet one inch tall was like finding a four leaf clover or a good parking spot at a busy sporting event. He treated me like a lady. Unfortunately, he treated himself like a lady, too, and we parted ways.

Third Nephi Chapter 14 - Revisited

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by Bishop Higgins (bio)

1 And now it came to pass that when Jesus had spoken these words, a ton of people took notes but then argued like crazy about who had the correct version.

2 For with what judgement ye judge, ye shall be judged, except for Judge Judy, who, quite honestly, will be laughed right out of heaven.

3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest that the acne he has is way more noticeable.

4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother: Let me pull the mote out of thine eye, and can I also borrow your bicycle?

5 Thou hypocrite. You just told your friends that your brother’s bike is a piece of junk and now you want to borrow it?

6 Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine. In fact, don’t cast your pearls at all. There’s a pretty good chance your husband paid a lot of money for those pearls and casting them before swine or anyone for that matter makes no sense at all. No pearl casting. I should have made that commandment number eleven.

My 10 Favorite Things About 2011

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by Bishop Higgins (bio)

Just like I do every year, I accomplished so many things in 2011. Some of them were ward-related, some of them were personal. And some of them had nothing to do with me at all! Here are my favorite things about 2011.

10 - We've still got one more year until the world ends.
9 - Helped my son Kyle with his Pinewood Derby (winning isn't everything, Kyle, but having a good relationship with your father is).
8 - Invented a new kind of nog. Ham nog.
7 - Strengthened the youth.
6- Became a lot more humble than nearly everyone I know. (I was already very humble, so this is one whale of an achievement).
5 - Inspired so many people in the ward to choose the right. They started choosing right up the ying-yang.
4 - Gave a blanket to a poor person. That person is in the ward, but I'm not going to tell you who it is.
3 - Refrained from telling people who I gave a blanket to.
2 - Memorized a lot of scriptures and even made up some of my own. Like this one: Ye shall know them by their fruits. And also, their last name will be Stevenson.
1- Sorted out the truth that the Murble family had eaten a cat. (They hadn't).

New Christmas Traditions

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by Bishop Higgins (bio)

We all have a number of family traditions that make Christmas special. If you're looking for a new tradition or two to add to your family's list, then I have inspired ideas that I'd like to share with you. Here we go!

Make reindeer kabobs.

Slip popular church pamphlets (like, How To Stay Morally Clean and that one about tithing) into your childrens' letters to Santa.

Look up "Jews" on Wikipedia.

Using hilarious joke coal as a neighbor gift to send the message you don't appreciate it when then leave trash in your yard. Joke coal is actually a candy they can eat, so you're still being a good neighbor, while letting them know that they aren't.

Take the homeless bowling, but only those that have their own bowling ball.

For married people only - The day after Christmas, take your spouse on a special erotic Christmas date night. Come up with some of your own possibilities, but feel free to use the line "Santa's been a bad boy" or something like that. I repeat. For married people only. If I find out my son Nathan does this, I will be madder than a wet bee.

New Ward Callings This Week

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by Bishop Higgins (bio)

We've had so much activity in the ward this week. Here are a list of the most recent new callings. Thank you for your willingness to serve.

Fire drill coordinator - Brother and Sister Felbur
Ward Concierge - Nels Tetly
Ward to Stake liaison - Cory Kilton
Cow to Steak liaison - Alton Tibbs
Ward corn husker - Marjorie Warmbaum
Ward gossip - I would tell you, but I don't think it's my place to do so. Well, ok. I'll tell you. It's Marvin Gibler.
Elders quorum athletic prig - Charles Packertonsby III
Ward sniper - Carle Essle
Ward nurse - Carl Essle
Wart caterer - Holy Macaroni Catering Company (outsourced)
Ward Jennifer Anniston - Charlene Pugger
Ward Greeter - Old Man Campbell
(Not sure what to name this calling) The person responsible for chasing owls from the rafters - Martha Kertzy

Heaven's Going To Be Awesome!!!

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by Bishop Higgins (bio)

In heaven, lift tickets at ski hills will always be 65% off.
In heaven, no one will be grossed out when watching an old person eat corn.
In heaven, every angel will be dressed in Prada.
In heaven, the lion and the lamb shall lay down together. And their parents won't be all, "I told you not to play with that lion down the street. His parents drink, don't you know."
In heaven, whenever you stub your toe, you will either get a new toe or a coupon for a free pair of new shoes!
In heaven, the Deseret Industries will have a cafeteria with gently used food. Shepherd's Pie - yum, yum.
In heaven, the Deseret Industries will smell like Nordstrom instead of a wet dog.
In heaven, sometimes we'll look down at the earth and say, remember that one time we got food poisoning at Arby's and then everyone will laugh and be glad we're in heaven.
In heaven, Motel 6 will be more like the Ritz-Carlton and the Ritz-Carlton will be like the Celestial Kingdom.
In heaven, Joseph Smith will have a meet and greet every Wednesday at 2 p.m.
Sofía Vergara will be in heaven, so, there's that.

Our First Ward Sponsor

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by Bishop Higgins (bio)

So many athletic teams and reputable organizations get sponsors to carry on the business portion of their business, so I thought we'd give it a shot, too. Here's our very first ward sponsor, Larry Schumpler, from A Little Bit Cleaner Carpet Cleaning. Take it away, Larry. (Get it. Take it away. He cleans carpet. Get it?)

Upcoming Ward Calendar Items

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by Bishop Higgins (bio)

June 5 - Take your daughter to Priesthood meeting day
June 5 - 11 - Avoid the appearance of evil week
June 7 - Ward Steak Night
June 10 - Stake ward night
June 15 - Old people appreciation day
June 16 - Really old people appreciation hour (2 p.m.)
June 17 - Ward roadshow
June 18 - Ward car show
June 24 - Ward abs buster night (we only have this once a year, so you won't want to miss it!)
June 29 - Ward temple night
June 30 - Home teaching reminder

Update: The Bishop left an item off the calender. Go here to be reminded.

Welcome Casserole

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by Bishop Higgins (bio)

Brother Royal Samuelson, executive secretary, calls members of the ward for various reasons. This time, to bring over a welcome casserole.

My Talk for General Conference

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by Bishop Higgins (bio)

In April 2006, Gerald Higgins was called as bishop and began documenting his experiences and even revealing some ward inside information. The blog was so popular that when he was released, in February 2010, most of his congregation started sinning again, consisting mostly of petulance, pride, and the worship of graven images. As a result, Gerald was recently reinstated as bishop and in addition to taking up blogging again here, will also occasionally write for Modern Mormon Men. Also, he just looked up the word petulance.

*****

I didn't speak in General Conference this year, but that hasn't stopped me from preparing a talk, just in case things change between now and October.

My talk is on the importance of husbands allowing their wives to get as many pillows for the bed as they want. In my experience, there is a direct correlation between the happiness in marriage and the quantity of bed pillows therein. Some of the happiest couples I know have a bedroom that would be mistaken for a pillow museum or pillow show-room.

I'm not going to say how many pillows a couple should have. That is to be left up to the individual couple and can only be decided after much fasting and prayer. And don't let anyone tell you how many you should have. Except eight is a baseline. At least get eight. But then, after that, don't let anyone tell you how many more you should have.

The pillows don't all need to be full size. Some of them can be cute, small, decorative pillows. In fact, some of them will need to be if you're going to get 20 or 30 pillows on that bed. And I don't need to tell you this, but some of those little Chinese pillows are so adorable.

Should you go in debt to buy a bigger bed in order to accommodate the amount of pillows needed to secure a happy marriage? Quite simply, yes.

And that's what I'd talk about in conference.