by Bishop Higgins (bio)
As I've been told so often, I'm probably one of the best dads around, and since I'm one of the best, that means I'm a way better dad than you. It's nothing to be discouraged about, because all it means is that there's room for improvement for you. (But keep in mind, I'll still be improving, too, so it's nearly impossible for you to keep up). It's not a contest, though, and that's the good news. Although, I do have both a mug and a t-shirt that say, "World's Best Dad" while you have a t-shirt that says "Vivant."
I know what you're thinking. I know you think that because I have a boat, that's the reason I'm a better dad. Well, you rascal, you read my mind. But it's only part of the reason why I'm such a Great Dad. I also teach my kids about humility and serving others and that old people can be a fountain of knowledge. And you might say, "Well yes, old people are a fountain of knowledge if you want to know about what it's like to ride in a buggy, and the time Calvin Coolidge was the governor." But don't you see? That attitude is why I'm a better dad than you. And the boat.
But let's not get all caught up in who is better at what and how new whose boat is. Instead, let me give you some parenting nuggets to chew on.
First of all, only let your kids eat chicken nuggets once a year. Chicken patties only once every three years. Next, when spending time with teenagers, try to be cool, so they'll respect you. Talk about the internet and Carly Rae Jepson. Do not bring up Neil Diamond. And finally, implant a GPS tracker into the skull of each of your children. Trust is fine and all, but so is knowing exactly where your kids are.