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Friday, March 15, 2013

Of Good Report: A Ward Update

by Bishop Higgins (bio)

Photo by Adrian Clark.
Dear Brother Elgin,

I'm writing to give you an update on the ward. I know it's been so long since you've stepped foot in a Mormon church, but you're no doubt still interested in your previous friends and neighbors. You may not believe the same things they do anymore, but that's no reason why you shouldn't want to hear about who's paying the most tithing and how many times I've asked Sister McGonical to shave her beard. (Four times).

Let's see, what did I tell you last time I wrote? Are you aware that the quadruplets (Faith, Hope, Charity, Brenda) are now in primary? Sister Capstain, our nursery leader, was nearly driven to drink with them in her class (which would have made it easy for her since her husband keeps a "secret" stash in his garden shed). But now that they are in primary, I think she'll be less agitated. She's yelled at some of the children. I blame the quadruplets.

Gary Snarp changed his name again. As you may recall, he was previously named Gary Corby, and before that, Gary Glengary, and before that, simply "the Gare Gare." I hated that one. I don't mind Gary Snarp, but now he's changed it to Fred Snarp, which is weird because he has a cousin in Cincinnati that's also named Fred Snarp, but before that he was named Snarp Tuckington and before that, Rachel Snarp. We've got a lot of weirdos in the ward, but I should give Gary, er, I mean, Fred, a plaque for being the weirdest. I would, but honestly, I don't know what name to put on it.

Sandy Laurent has been recently engaged. I hope that doesn't hurt your feelings since you were also engaged with Sandy at one point. Twice. Wait, didn't you marry her at one point, too? It's been so long, and you've had so many wives that I can't remember who has and who hasn't been your wife. Oh, come on. I'm just kidding. I like to tease. I like to joke and tease about how you don't have as successful of a marriage as I do. But hey, you do other things successfully. You are very good at shuffling playing cards. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. You're also very good at balancing things on your head. Remember, it's not about who's better at what and who has more talents and skills. It's about who is better at sharing those talents and skills. And that would be me.

Speaking of humility, I was reading the scriptures the other day and read a passage that really made a difference in how kindly I treated my kids. And then they all went out and got really good jobs. Oh, I do have a blessed life. Isn't success neat? And by success, I mean, of course, spiritual success. Temporal success is neat, too, but if you were going to have a competition between temporal success and spiritual success, spiritual success would win by a long shot. The score would be 118 - 73. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad with your life choices. I'm just saying, wow, that would really be some contest. And that's the score if temporal success had home court advantage. Think of how much more spiritual success would win if they had home court advantage.

Well, I better go. I've got to go write in my gratitude journal and also work on some merit badges with my boys, and then take them swimming, plus I also have to update my vision board and then take the whole family on a nature walk (we do that once a month) and if I have time after that, I'm going to help Brendan with his pinewood derby car and Nathan with his Duty to God and hopefully have a little time left to go to a movie with my wife. We want to go see Les Miserables. I like watching movies where good people triumph. I also like watching movies where a dog gets lost on a family vacation but through a series of unbelievable events (sometimes hilarious) he makes his way home even though all hope was lost. I wish Hollywood would make more movies like that instead of so many movies where troubled teens move into town and teach everyone how to dance in provocative ways. I hate anything where teenagers are provocative. But I love anything that's chaste and of good report. Not as many things are of good report any more. I'm sorry to report that over the last ten years there's been a 40% decline in things that are of good report.

And that's my report. I hope it's good.


Bishop Gerald Higgins

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