MMM Library: Modern Mormon Myths

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by A-Dub:

My undergraduate degree was in the very lucrative field of socio-cultural anthropology, with a double major in Latin American Studies (tagline: “Oh! So…what are you gonna to do with that?”). One of the four things that I learned and still remember from my anthropology degree is that almost all cultures transfer beliefs through some type of myth. Bear in mind that the word myth doesn’t necessarily equate to untrue.

Mormons also create myths, though I must admit that some of them make me cringe. When people tell these myths, they get so adamant that they’re true: “No, seriously! My boyfriend’s dentist heard it from his cousin’s bishop, so it has to be true!” I’m sure some are based in reality, but some are so obviously made up that it makes we think many Mormons lean towards being gullible. I think that we really want them to be true because they help affirm our faith to some degree.

Here are some of the most popular myths/legends I’ve heard. I do question the veracity of many of them, but I’m not saying which. Okay … I question the veracity of any myth involving the Three Nephites.

• Yoda from Star Wars was based on Spencer W. Kimball. (see here)

• The corner towers of the Salt Lake Temple were built perfectly as elevator shafts, though no one knew why they were supposed to be built like that at the time.

MMM Library: Famous Mormons…or Not

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by A-Dub:

Mormons love to tell non-Mormons about famous Mormons. If you’re a football fan, a Mormon must mention that Steve Young is a Mormon; if pressed he or she might mention Ty Detmer. Mitt Romney and Orrin Hatch get mentioned in the conservative political arena. Mormon democrats [cough, sputter] will mention Harry Reid. Until recently, ex-football player turned Little House on the Prairie actor Merlin Olsen was the top actor mentioned. Now we’ve got Napoleon Dynamite to give us some tots. Gladys Knight, David Archuleta from American Idol and Stephanie Meyer of Twilight fame can keep us entertained. The catch is that we generally don’t claim someone as Mormon unless they are “active” (which I personally think sounds like a term for a terrorist cell). This is why Paul Walker and Alice Cooper don’t generally get mentioned.

Mormons are kind of like Canadians in their need to mention famous Mormons (e.g. “Hey, did you know Brian Adams is Canadian?!”). I think it stems from some kind of persecution complex, which dates back to getting kicked out of Missouri and Illinois. We feel the need to validate our beliefs by associating ourselves with famous people that aren’t fringe weirdos like the rest of us. If we can get enough famous people, maybe everyone will stop thinking we’re a cult, right? Maybe if Canada can produce enough famous Canadians they can stop being the United States’ little brother.

A Letter to My Non-Mormon Friends

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by A-Dub:

Dear MMM Readers - I was too chicken to post this on Facebook.

*****

Dear Non-Mormon Friend,

You probably know that I'm a Mormon. What you may not know is that I want to share my religion with you really badly. Not because we want your tithing money. Not because people will think I'm cool. And not because we have a quota we're trying to fill. Being a Mormon and a follower of Christ helps me be happy and I think it would increase your happiness as well. It's really something that I want to share with other people, but it's genuinely difficult sometimes.

You see, to me, sharing my religious beliefs is like a guy who is eating a really, really great piece of pie at a party. I mean, amazing, knee-buckling, you-have-try this kind of pie. And he goes around to people at the party, fork in hand, offering it to them: "Holy crap! This pie is amazing! Take a bite!"  And then he tries to feed it too you. Yes, it could be that you love the pie too and that one bite begins a life-long love affair with the best thing you've ever eaten. But it's weird that I'm trying to feed it to you. So I try and think of lots of ways that I can get you to try the pie, without it being weird. But I'm still a little socially awkward.

So often, because of the pie thing, I don't share my religion with you ... mainly because I am a chicken. Here are some examples:

• I'd like to give you a copy of The Book of Mormon, but I'm afraid you'll feel like I just gave you homework. And afterwards you'll avoid me because you don't want to have to admit that you didn't read it when I invariably ask you about it.

Re-Thinking My Position on The Death Penalty

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by A-Dub:

Before you read any further, I want you to think about what your position on the death penalty: Are you for or against it?

Done? Alright.

In years past, I have always been a proponent. And I think my reasoning boiled down to the following, in order of importance:

1. I don't want my tax dollars supporting a criminal for the rest of his life
2. Capital punishment deters violent crimes
3. It gives closure to the families of the victims
4. It permanently keeps the criminal off the streets
5. It seems like there are some crimes that are just deserving of it; some people just don't deserve to live after committing certain heinous crimes

First I'm curious as to what you all have seen in the Church. It has been my experience that many, if not most of the people in the Church are in favor of it. Admittedly, I don't go around asking people about it, but that's my general impression. If you've had a different experience, I want to know about it, but this is typically what I've seen.

But the more I think about it, the more strange I find it that many in the Church seem to be pro-death penalty (again, maybe I'm wrong). There have of course been times in the scriptures where people had to die – Laban, Amalickiah, tens of thousands of Lamanite soldiers. But should it be happening now? Doesn't the gospel value life, even that of the vilest of sinners? Don't we believe in justice and mercy? Isn't it core to Christ's teachings that everyone can change, including those that may have committed some of the worst crimes imaginable? So why is it that we would have a tolerance level for the uber-sinner such that he or she must die for their crimes?

Since the Church doesn't have an official position on capital punishment, over the years I've been looking at the five reasons I just outlined and re-thinking my position. What I've found is that this is a very complex issue, much more so than I can put in one blog post. Maybe I'll do a follow-up at some point. But where I net out now is that I am against the death penalty. Here's why:

COST: Honestly, as a super-fiscal conservative, this is a big one for me. But what I've realized after a lot of research is this: It's an indisputable fact that on average it costs MORE to sentence someone to death than to life in prison. A lot more. It's simply that the appeals process drags on for so long and the state spends so much money defending the verdict, that it would be cheaper to just keep a criminal as an inmate for life. There are tons of great sources on this. Here's one: Enforcing the death penalty costs Florida $51 million a year above what it would cost to punish all first-degree murderers with life in prison without parole. Based on the 44 executions Florida had carried out since 1976, that amounts to a cost of $24 million for each execution. (Palm Beach Post, January 4, 2000).

MMM Library: Great Moments in Sacrament Meeting

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by A-Dub:

One thing that is at least fairly unique to the mormon church is the fact that once a month, we are willing to let anyone in the congregation get up and “bear their testimony.” I’ve always felt that this says a lot about the church. We’re willing to have open mike night where folks can plant themselves in front of the audience and say pretty much anything they want, totally off the cuff. Bishopric members, being ultimately responsible for the content of the meeting and the doctrine preached, are oftentimes sweating bullets during the first Sunday of the month. Even the regular 2nd-5th Sunday meetings are for the most part sermons given by members of the congregation. So anyone who says there’s no free speech in the mormon church I think is kidding themselves. But I digress.

So, given the freedom to speak our minds during the meeting, I’m sure we all have a favorite sacrament meeting/fast and testimony meeting story. I wanted to share one of my favorites with you.

When the Spirit (or the Elders Quorum) Moves You

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by A-Dub:

One of the aspects of the LDS faith that I love is that there are always opportunities to serve. In all my many years as a member of the church, I have been to many different services projects, but in all sincerity, my absolute favorite is ... helping people move. I am totally serious. Setting up and taking down chairs is just tedious and repetitive. And those sub-stage, bowling alley-esque chair-caves are just creepy. Every time I go in one I keep thinking I'll find a bunch of dead clowns. But moving people is something I can totally get behind:

1. It's something that most people can't do on their own, so they genuinely need the help and are almost always appreciative.


2. It's hard work, so you're getting some physical activity.


3. There are usually a bunch of other guys there to help, so you can chat and catch up with people in an informal setting.


4. And my favorite: there's always potential for a great story.

I am willing to bet that the vast majority of church members have a great story about helping with a move. My parents still tell one from 35 years ago where they claim stuff was still being thrown onto the back of the truck as it was driving away.

Since I love it, I have been to many, many moves. So many that I can classify the "great" ones into categories, with examples for each:

• The Pigsty: I’m not just talking about a messy house. I have literally been to a move where we had to wade through two feet of garbage throughout the entire two-bedroom apartment to get to the furniture. I’m talking empty cans (non-alcoholic), pizza boxes, wrappers, everything. I’m not sure how many bags of garbage were taken out, but it had to have been close to 50. At one point, I think everyone there probably had the thought “Shouldn’t we just light everything on fire?”

MMM Library: Modern Mormon Motivational Poster 2

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by A-Dub:

"You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles." - Miracle Max, Princess Bride

A-Dub currently lives in Portland, Oregon, but grew up in the Midwest. After a mission to Argentina and a degree from BYU, Aaron received an MBA from the University of Washington. Consequently, he is a data-driven corporate sellout who thinks the government should generally mind its own business. A lifelong Mormon and former counselor in a bishopric, Aaron feels that the eccentricities of Mormon culture should be made fun of as much as possible, that the main point of the gospel is to be like Christ and help others, and suspects that – whether openly or covertly – everyone likes Neil Diamond. He and his amazing wife have two boys.

Mormonism's To Do List

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by A-Dub (bio)

In the first chapter of James we're told "Be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only." I whole-heartedly agree. So, what is it we should be doing?

Once, for a sacrament meeting talk, I compiled a list of things we were "supposed to do" as members of the church. I then attached an amount of time to each thing, trying to estimate for those things done monthly or annually how much time it would take per week. The totals, which were in no way manipulated before-hand:

Total hours in one week: 168.0
Total hours per week of things we're asked to do as members of the church: 167.6

My apologies if I've unintentionally excluded your favorite church activity from the list below. Let me know what I've missed so we can round out the final 24 minutes each week.

If after reading the list you're feeling like you aren't doing all you should be, don't worry, you aren't. But that's okay. Just do your best and the Lord will make up the difference. Anyway, you're smart ... I don't need to belabor the point. Just remember, as Mr. Miagi told Daniel-San: "Must learn balance."

What Not to Wear ... To Church

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by A-Dub (bio)

Image via Joe Shlabotnik

Generally I don't like the television show from a few years ago called What Not to Wear. The premise is that people will nominate their poorly dressed friends or family members to receive a $5000 gift card to be spent on new clothes. The catch? They must endure two nosey hosts ridiculing them on national television for disregarding current fashion trends in lieu of their personal sartorial proclivities. While I admit that people generally dress better post-makeover, I hate that the show seems to purport that you can't be happy or successful in life if you don't spend $600 for a pair of shoes.

And Clinton is a total hypocrite – he dresses worse than most of the contestants in my admittedly worthless opinion. I think people, within the limits of good taste and some circumstance, should dress in a way that they feel comfortable. And snobby, New York, hipster-doofuses shouldn't be able to tell them otherwise, even for five large.

With that in mind, I offer the following comments about clothing in LDS church services:

For the love of the children, DEACONS, fix your back collar. Why is it that when you look up at the sacrament table, there's a group of 6-9 boys that seem to have a full inch of tie hanging out the back of their collars? We actually call this "deacon tie" in our household. And another thing to note – if your tie doesn't come within six inches of your belt buckle, you tied it too short - I don't care how big your gut is from playing Xbox all summer.

The "uniform of the priesthood" this is a myth. In fact, that term almost offends me. You do not have to wear a white shirt and tie to pass the sacrament. Straight out of the Church Handbook of Instructions, Book 2, "Ties and white shirts are recommended because they add to the dignity of the ordinance. However, they should not be required as a mandatory prerequisite for a priesthood holder to participate." So if someone tells you must wear one to pass the sacrament, look at them condescendingly and give a little half-snort of derision and pity.

Reasons for Leaving Early from Priesthood Session

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by A-Dub (bio)

Going to Priesthood Session of General Conference was not my favorite activity as a kid. I viewed it as two hours of sitting in the dark listening to boring talks. Years later, I am much wiser ... at least, less fidgety. I do enjoy the talks in Priesthood Session now, particularly the current First Presidency.

However, being on a Saturday, I am sometimes tempted to maximize the rest of my evening by sneaking out immediately when the Prophet says "Amen," thereby forgoing the closing hymn and prayer and beating the rush. This past conference my son and I attended with my brother-in-law’s family, including my 13 year-old nephew. When my nephew asked his dad if we could leave during the closing hymn, his dad replied "Well, it's really considered bad form to do that." Then with a big grin he looked at me and said, "Let’s go." We didn't, of course.

However, there are always a few that do sneak out a tad bit early. As my wife always says I need to give people the benefit of the doubt, here are five potential reasons for leaving Priesthood Session before the final amen:

1. Trying to get a seat at Chuck-a-Rama. Going out to eat after Priesthood Session is a time-honored tradition. Particularly in Utah, where the overall quantity of after-priesthood-dinner-goers is larger, you may have to wait an extended period of time for a table if you leave when everyone else does. So it's tough to get a quality meal afterwards. Seconds count people. If I don't get a bacteria-infested bowl of macaroni and pudding from the salad bar at Chuck-a-Rama immediately, bad things may happen.

2. Save gas. Let's face it – Mormons are penny-pinchers. Leaving priesthood session seems to be an even bigger jam up than after Stake Conference. Understandable that someone might simply just not want to wait in line and waste gas. And in the Pacific Northwest, we could also list our phony environmentalist fervor as a reason for not wanting to waste gas/pollute the environment.

Mormon Mashup 3: Politics and Government

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by A-Dub (bio)

If you combined politics and Mormons, what would you get?

Too Easy
  ·   Elders Quorum President of the United States
  ·   Executive Secretary of State
  ·   Political Action Activities Committee
  ·   White House of Order
  ·   I’d like to bear my testimony before Congress
  ·   White House of Israel

Clever
  ·   Calling and Presidential Election made sure
  ·   Praise to the Congress Man
  ·   Air Force 1 Nephi
  ·   Monroe Doctrine & Covenants
  ·   CNN Our Lovely Deseret
  ·   Born of Watergate

Reaching
  ·   Oval Office of a Deacon
  ·   Filibustered with the Holy Ghost
  ·   Articles of Confederation of Faith
  ·   Surgeon General Conference
  ·   Choose the Bill of Rights, when a choice is placed before you
  ·   Mitt Romney

MMM Library: Great Moments in Sacrament Meeting

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by A-Dub (bio)

This post was originally published on June 2, 2011.

Dr. Steve Brule plate by James Allenspach.

One thing that is at least fairly unique to the mormon church is the fact that once a month, we are willing to let anyone in the congregation get up and “bear their testimony.” I’ve always felt that this says a lot about the church. We’re willing to have open mike night where folks can plant themselves in front of the audience and say pretty much anything they want, totally off the cuff. Bishopric members, being ultimately responsible for the content of the meeting and the doctrine preached, are oftentimes sweating bullets during the first Sunday of the month. Even the regular 2nd-5th Sunday meetings are for the most part sermons given by members of the congregation. So anyone who says there’s no free speech in the mormon church I think is kidding themselves. But I digress.

So, given the freedom to speak our minds during the meeting, I’m sure we all have a favorite sacrament meeting/fast and testimony meeting story. I wanted to share one of my favorites with you.

(Note: I love all people and am not trying to mock anyone in the story below, because I know we are all different and God loves us. I am simply pointing out how interesting church can be, even without a full band playing the hymns.)

In a fast and testimony meeting several months ago, a woman we didn't recognize stood up from the second row (in the benches, not at the pulpit) and began to bear (what we thought would be) her testimony. It started off a little oddly but mentioned the Joseph Smith story, so we thought it was going somewhere. It was not. She started to drift off into talking about computers and binary code, as well as some plates that had been revealed to her. Uh-oh. As a visual aid she held up some of the plates, which turned out to be 8-inch paper plates, with some handmade designs on them. We later found out (I am not making this up) that the designs were made in vanilla yogurt.

Shows I Wasn’t Allowed to Watch as a Kid

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by A-Dub (bio)

Let's face it – there's a lot of crap out there on T.V. And with the ever increasing amount of T.V. programming in general, there's bound to be more and more that's not only just horribly made, but inappropriate as well.

Far be it for me to tell someone what media is or isn't appropriate. I would almost never (except for my kids) call someone to the carpet for watching something I thought was inappropriate. But there are some shows that are clearly over the line of acceptability. I'm sorry, but there just isn't a single redeeming quality whatsoever about Jersey Shore. The people, what they're doing, why they're even on T.V. to begin with – all reprehensible. And I haven't even seen it to be able to make that claim – I can just intuit from my uncanny understanding of the media zeitgeist that the show is awful in every send of the word. Sorry if you're a fan ... you just ... shouldn't be.

With all the crap that's currently on, it makes me think back to milder days 25-30 years ago when there were less than 100 channels and most non-cable T.V. shows were fairly tame. However, there were still a few that we were forbidden to watch:

1. Three's Company: I'm guessing I'm not alone on this one. In the show, Jack Tripper lives with two female roommates, Crissy and Janet, though none of the three of them had a relationship. They're just Company. I guess these living arrangements were pretty scandalous, because I've had numerous friends comment on how they weren't allowed to watch this show either. Not that I ever wanted to watch this show; Wikipedia says "the humor in the show was based on farce, often relying on innuendo and misunderstanding," which can only mean hilarity from the get go!

Worst LDS Hymns

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by A-Dub (bio)

The LDS hymnbook is pretty great. There are some amazing hymns that inspire and invite the Spirit when they’re sung. The first LDS hymnbook was published in 1835. The latest revision of the hymnbook was in 1985; before that was 1950. So, assuming we’re going to maintain the trend of a hymnbook update every 35 years, I want to start the ball rolling for the next revision in 2020.

I don’t think it needs to be a big revision. Honestly, I think we should just cut a few. Here’s my case, in order of which hymns should go first:

1. #307 - In Our Lovely Deseret

Read the full lyrics. I’m not entirely sure why, but it seems like it’s about scolding little kids for romping around. This sounds more like a primary song than a full hymnbook hymn. Plus, the second verse is just painful:

That the children may live long
And be beautiful and strong,
Tea and coffee and tobacco they despise,
Drink no liquor, and they eat
But a very little meat;
They are seeking to be great and good and wise

In the mission field, every time I brought an investigator to church I would cringe when we sung this hymn. I always pictured the investigators wide-eyed in the chapel thinking, "What the ...?" I DESPISE you tea and coffee!! Oh, and it's not enough to be "great" and "wise," the children must be "good" also. And beautiful. So all you ugly, weak kids must not be keeping the commandments.

2. #105 - Master, the Tempest Is Raging

I think it's mainly the chorus of this song that I object to. First, it just makes the song too long. But ... demons ... what? And the beat just makes it weird, almost like a totally different hymn from the rest of the song. I've never heard the ward sing this one and thought "Hmm ... nice job everyone." It's always terrible.

The winds and the waves shall obey thy will: Peace, be still.
Whether the wrath of the storm-tossed sea
Or demons or men or whatever it be,
No waters can swallow the ship where lies
The Master of ocean and earth and skies.
They all shall sweetly obey thy will:
Peace, be still; peace, be still.
They all shall sweetly obey thy will:
Peace, peace, be still.

3. #253 Like Ten Thousand Legions Marching AND/OR #248 Up, Awake, Ye Defenders of Zion

It's nothing against either song or the lyrics or anything. It's just that we already have "Behold! A Royal Army," "Battle Hymn of the Republic," and "Carry On." Just how many army songs do we need? Plus, be honest, have you ever heard of or sung either of these? You wouldn't miss them.

Modern Mormon Motivational Posters 5

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by A-Dub (bio)

"This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon. When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following: Stop it!"
- President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, April 2012 General Conference

Mormon Mashup 2: Movies

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by A-Dub (bio)

Rated G

·         Lord of the CTR Rings

·         Salt Lake City Slickers

·         No other success can compensate for failure in the Home Alone

·         I Hope They Call Me on a Mission Impossible

·         Dead Poets Relief Society

·         Sunday School of Rock

Rated PG

·         Mission Impossible: Holy Ghost Protocol

·         Sweet Rush Hour of Prayer

·         Quorum of the 12 Angry Men

·         Scripture Power of One

·         Big Momma’s Bishop’s StoreHouse

·         Choose The Right Stuff

Rated PG-13

·         Beware of Pride and Prejudice

·         Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Rough Stone Rolling

·         The Firm a Foundation

·         Ernest Goes to Zion’s Camp

·         We’d like to recognize our high councilor sitting on the Stand and Deliver

Modern Mormon Motivational Posters 4

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by A-Dub (bio)

Mormon Mashup 1: The Beatles

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by A-Dub (bio)

In the style of iTunes Essentials, if you combined The Beatles and Mormons what would you get?

The Basics
• Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band of Gadiantons
• I Want to Hold Your Handcart
• Come, Come Together Ye Saints
• Neal A. Maxwell’s Silver Hammer
• All You Need is Love at Home
• Love Me Do as I’m Doing

Next Steps
• She Came in Through the Bathroom Windows of Heaven
• Good Day, Sunshine in My Soul
• Strawberry Fields Forever Families
• Let it Be Grateful, Let it Be Smart, Let it Be Clean…
• The Fool on the Hill Cumorah Pageant

Deep Cuts
• When I'm 64th Section of the Doctrine and Covenants
• Octopus’s Gardening for Food Storage
• J. Golden Slumber Kimball
• The Ballad of John and Yokolob
• Rocky Mountains Raccoon
• Help … Me Move on Saturday

Modern Mormon Motivational Posters 3

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by A-Dub (bio)

Hardest Church Callings

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by A-Dub (bio)

The Plague of Locusts by Vittorio Bianchini

Having recently moved to a new ward, I was without a church calling for several weeks. As my wife and I wondered what the Lord had in mind for us, I found myself pondering about what “the hardest possible church calling” would be. I hesitate to voice and/or write what I think this would be, because I am certain that the God of the Old Testament would appear, say “Oh, really?” and immediately insert me into said calling in lieu of sending a plague of locusts. So, I’m just going to conjecture what I believe other people think is the hardest calling.

Before anyone tries to call me to repentance, we all know that a calling is what you make of it, you can have a good experience in any calling, and ultimately they can all be rewarding. But we all have preferences. I for one find it hilarious when a good friend mistakenly says “I would HATE to get called as ______,” only to find himself a week later hearing “All that can sustain Brother You-Should-Never-Say-That-Out-Loud as the new {insert name of plague of locusts calling}, please indicate by the uplifted hand.” Yep.

So, here’s what I think most people think are the hardest callings, based on my own astute observations over many years and some thorough market research I‘ve done with at least two other people. So these babies are rock solid. Note that I am restricting these to the ward level ... I bet being the prophet is pretty tough.

1. Nursery Worker
Many adults look at church as a respite from their own kids – two hours of free babysitting! Bless the poor nursery workers who have to pry screaming children from their parent’s arms only to get snotted on, screamed at, and second guessed by smug parents who “would never do it that way!” I guess the one upside is no diaper changing. (Note: personally, I think any calling where there’s snack time and you don’t have to endure a boring priesthood lesson has some serious upside)