Tuesday, July 2, 2013

What Not to Wear ... To Church



by A-Dub (bio)

Image via Joe Shlabotnik

Generally I don't like the television show from a few years ago called What Not to Wear. The premise is that people will nominate their poorly dressed friends or family members to receive a $5000 gift card to be spent on new clothes. The catch? They must endure two nosey hosts ridiculing them on national television for disregarding current fashion trends in lieu of their personal sartorial proclivities. While I admit that people generally dress better post-makeover, I hate that the show seems to purport that you can't be happy or successful in life if you don't spend $600 for a pair of shoes.

And Clinton is a total hypocrite – he dresses worse than most of the contestants in my admittedly worthless opinion. I think people, within the limits of good taste and some circumstance, should dress in a way that they feel comfortable. And snobby, New York, hipster-doofuses shouldn't be able to tell them otherwise, even for five large.

With that in mind, I offer the following comments about clothing in LDS church services:

For the love of the children, DEACONS, fix your back collar. Why is it that when you look up at the sacrament table, there's a group of 6-9 boys that seem to have a full inch of tie hanging out the back of their collars? We actually call this "deacon tie" in our household. And another thing to note – if your tie doesn't come within six inches of your belt buckle, you tied it too short - I don't care how big your gut is from playing Xbox all summer.

The "uniform of the priesthood" this is a myth. In fact, that term almost offends me. You do not have to wear a white shirt and tie to pass the sacrament. Straight out of the Church Handbook of Instructions, Book 2, "Ties and white shirts are recommended because they add to the dignity of the ordinance. However, they should not be required as a mandatory prerequisite for a priesthood holder to participate." So if someone tells you must wear one to pass the sacrament, look at them condescendingly and give a little half-snort of derision and pity.

Why must you wear your prom garb to church the next day? I know that there's nothing specifically "wrong" with it per se, just feels weird to have someone blessing the sacrament in a tux or getting up to bear their testimony in a ball gown … or both. You're not wearing these get-ups for comfort certainly, so are you just trying to tell me that you went to prom yesterday? If it would be easier for you, I will print up little signs or buttons you could wear that say, "Hey everybody! Look at me – I just went to prom! And for some reason, I thought electric aqua was a really good color to incorporate into my outfit!"

Please don't dress immodestly at church. I am tired of seeing tight-fitting, too-short, or revealing clothing at church. It puts lustful thoughts into people's heads and leads to breaking up families. It's very inappropriate and is clearly inspired of Satan. So Elders Quorum members, please tone it down and put your uniforms back on.

So, my wife just told me she likes it when the Young Women wear their prom dresses to church because the YW leaders all want to see their dresses. So clearly I've gotten some of the above wrong. What else did I miss? Though I will never back down from Deacon Tie – I think counsel against it is in Handbook 2.

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