I Know This Is Going To Make You Mad

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by Josh (bio)

I know I have already said some divisive things on this blog. I am really not a divisive kind of guy. But I have something I need to get off of my chest.

I hate dogs. Let me be clear from the get go, that if you love dogs, I don't hate you. And I don't hate YOUR dogs. They are lovely. But I hate the dogification of America. When did dogs become so awesome? I missed the memo.

Amy and I have a strict no dog policy at our house. We don't see the point. We have enough poop and vomit to clean up, thank you very much. And enough behavioral and disciplinary issues to choke a doberman. So we don't, nor will we ever, have a dog.

Let me just say again, if you have a dog, that is great for you. I don't think less of you. I don't hate you and I don't think you shouldn't have a dog. You are welcome to all forms of canine companionship. But why is there pressure for us to have one?

POINT ONE: Everyone I work with has one million dogs each. At every work function, everyone sits around swapping dog stories and showing pictures of how cute their dogs are. ("Look at this one! Captain Carbunkle is so fat and tired that he is sleeping on my desk! HA!") When they ask me about my dogs, and I tell them I don't have one, they look at me like I am some weird anathema. When I realized how annoyed I was at looking at everyone's pictures of their dogs, I decided to stop voluntarily showing pictures of my children to them. Maybe they are just as bored at seeing pictures of my kids as I am seeing pictures of Sargent Picklesworth. (In my dog hating world, all dogs have funny military names.) If someone asks to see pictures of my kids, I am happy to oblige. But if they don't ask, I keep them to myself.

Apps Josh Loves: Nike+ GPS

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by Josh (bio)

When I was thinking about writing this series I was going to call it “The Twelve App-postles” or “App-ide with me, ‘tis eventide.” But then I thought that seemed a little silly, or sacrilegious, or both.

So I am calling simply “Apps Josh Loves.” I am hoping to regularly share apps that I use that make my life a little better. I am a bit of a techno-geek and always want the latest and shiniest new toys. And what I love about apps is that they are constantly giving me new ways to use devices I already love. Full disclosure: I am a dyed in the wool Apple Fanboy, so these apps will all be iOS apps.

In the last couple of years, Amy and I have both taken up running. I travel a lot for work, and while the fitness facilities in hotels are pretty hit of miss, they almost always have a couple of treadmills. And running is the workout that can be done anywhere. All you need is time.

But running outside has always been a little intimidating to me. I was never sure where to go, or how far I had run, so I tended to stick to the treadmill. That is where today’s app comes in.

Nike+ GPS. If you are a runner, this app is a must have. First of all, it is only $2. Well worth the price. And it makes tracking your run super easy. You just hit “Start Run” and go. The app uses your iPhone’s GPS to track the path of your run and your distance. (So you don’t have to have special Nike+ shoes.) You can even look at the map of your run and see where you ran your fastest and where you were your slowest. But it doesn’t stop there. Here is what I love:

1) It makes running into a video game. You can set the app to announce, in your headphones, when you pass certain milestones (every mile, every 10 minutes, etc.) and, when it does, it will tell you your running pace, time distance, etc. I found myself pushing to improve my overall pace at each announcement. You can also set goals online (run 10 times in the next four weeks, but 4000 calories in the next six weeks, etc.) and track your progress.

2) There are “running games” you can play with friends. Start a game of tag with your friends and, at a random point in the next 72 hours, the app will announce the game has started. The last person to start a run after the game starts is “it.” (Want to play games with me? My user name is “jooshanoosh.”)

3) You can post your runs to Facebook when you start. If your friends “like” your status while you are running, you can hear them cheering over your headphones.

4) You can set up a list of power songs -- those songs that you know will pump you up when you are running out of steam. Any time during your run, you can hit the “power song” button to give yourself a boost.
Maybe you are one of those people who doesn’t need that type of external motivation. But if you do, you will love this app. And it is free. You’ve got nothing to lose.

All images via: Apple

Making Counting Count

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by Josh (bio)

This is an actual meal I ate, with Ken Craig. It was magical. 

I know my first post on this site almost got my Man Card revoked, but I thought I would post today about something extremely manly in hopes of redeeming myself: calorie counting.

You see, I have kind of an obsession (read: addiction) to food. There was a time in my life where I was enrolled in culinary school with plans to be a chef. I love little more than eating and making delicious food. But I also don’t love being fat. So I try and run, with varying degrees of frequency and make smart eating choices, with varying degrees of frequency. Luckily my wife is an amazing cook and a healthy eater, so usually at least two of my three meals a day are pretty balanced and good for me.

There’s been a lot of hullabaloo in the media lately about restaurants, particularly fast food restaurants, posting the caloric content of their menus along with the prices. In fact, as part of new regulations by the FDC, calories will be required by mid-2012. Presumably, this is a way to fight the rising epidemic of obesity in the United States. But I kinda have to question that. If you are going to McDonald’s and ordering the 50 piece McNugget, two large fry and two large soda combo, will knowing it contains approximately one bajillion calories actually change your mind? Did you think, before you saw that number, that you were ordering something healthy? Will you decide, in a fit of prudence, to switch one of the large fries to a side salad? Somehow, I don’t think so.

It's Not Easy Being (Forced to Be) Green

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by Josh (bio)

My wife and I are Oregon transplants. We moved here a few years ago, and have fallen in love with the place. The scenery is gorgeous, the people are uncommonly nice and we adapted very quickly to life here. If you can survive the rain, the summers here are unreal. Plus, we have Trader Joe's. What more can you want?

We weren't here long before we realized that the issue of environmentalism isn't really optional here. Our regular garbage is one third the size of our recycling can. Even if you want to wastefully throw unsorted trash into the garbage willy-nilly, you will soon run out of room. Recycling is the only way to make it fit.

We are charged $.05 for each can we buy, as a deposit, and have to return the cans to get the money back. I know this practice isn't unique to our fair state, but man, is it annoying. The can drop off centers smell like fermented fruit punch passed through a recycled catheter. They are swarming with flies and bees. (I guess if you have a bee allergy, the government gets to keep your nickel.) At least 80% of the machines are broken or jammed at any given moment. And there is always...ALWAYS some crazy old homeless man who has appointed himself the mayor of the can-do, who offers slurred advice about the fastest way to get the cans through. I'm scared to take my kids there. If you want me to recycle so much that you are holding my money hostage, then why do you make it so difficult?

I'm all for being green. I think as believers that the world is a creation of God, and as part of our divine birthright we should feel strongly about protecting it. But how much of what we are doing really helps? I'm all for buying a more fuel efficient car when mine finally dies (though really it is more motivated by not having to sell my oldest child to pay to fill it up and less by a desire to reduce pollution). We dutifully use our cheerfully decorated Trader Joe's reusable shopping bags. Though I often wonder, when you weigh in the environmental impact of that whole industry that has sprung up to manufacture and ship those bags, is the fossil fuel cost really less than a few paper bags? We have CFLs all over the house, and I guess they are better, but they remind me of being back on my mission in Italy where the questionable wiring in our apartments caused every light to take forty-five seconds to really turn on.

I am, clearly, not an environmentalist. If you are, weigh in and tell me where I am wrong. What are the most important (read: easy) things I can I do to be more environmental? Or am I doing okay? I guess you could say I'm lazy. I'm happy to do what I can...if it isn't too inconvenient. Hey! Is that why the movie was called An Inconvenient Truth? Good one, Gore. Good one.

Guest Post: Mother's Day Gift Ideas, From a Real Mom!

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by Josh (bio)

My lovely wife, Amy, wrote this post. I, for one, am thrilled. My Mother's Day gift shopping just got a whole lot easier. Hopefully this can help someone out.

It’s that time of year again. The time when you look at the calendar and realize that Mother’s Day is on Sunday. Don’t worry. We’re all there. We all have mothers, and rack our brains trying to come up with a gift that won’t be trite, cheesy or useless, yet at the same time express our overwhelming gratitude for birthing us and raising us to adulthood.

But for men, there’s even more pressure. Not only do you have mothers, but you have mothers of your children. And those mothers can be a little touchy about Mother’s Day expressions of gratitude and love. Don’t worry. I’ve got you covered. The following is a gift guide for your wife. (Please understand that I’m a mother with small children, with limited discretionary income.)

I'm His Dad

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by Josh (bio)


N at Disneyland.

My son N was never an easy child. As a baby, he was fussy and didn't eat well. He slept restlessly and woke us up for years at 5 a.m. As a toddler, he seemed easily shook up. At home he did OK, but anything out of our routine was a bit of a nightmare. We have vacation home movies where it seems like he is crying in every shot. Our first born had had colic, so we just assumed that N was a tough baby too, and left it at that.

As N got older, there were elements of his behavior that felt a little different somehow. Every kid goes through phases, but these phases felt longer and more relentless. By the end of N’s first year of pre-school, we knew something was off. He was arguing with other kids, refusing to follow directions and there were a couple of times we had to come to the school and pick him up because his behavior was too much for the teacher to handle.

Late last year, with the help of a great pediatrician, a lot of prayer, and a lot of research (done by my wife who knew in her heart this wasn’t just a phase), N was eventually diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome.

Asperger’s Syndrome is on the autism spectrum and it is typically defined as people who have difficulty communicating and socializing with others. They see the world though a literal lens and have trouble understanding nuance, flexibility and adapting. Kids with Asperger’s typically have a singular focus - something they are obsessed with that they spend all their time thinking about. While Asperger’s is more understood now than it was a generation ago, when hearing about it, people still give you a bit of a blank stare. N is not retarded (and really, can we just do away with that word all together?). He can’t count things really fast (like Rainman.) He is not stupid. His intelligence is not developmentally delayed at all.

(e)Book?

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by Josh (bio)


It's a Book by Lane Smith

It makes me happy when children's books are smart and funny. It makes me even happier when they are topical and well written. (If I have to read another one of those Hot Wheels books again when on every page the cars are on a different continent, I am going to tear my remaining hair out.) It's a Book by Lane Smith is fantastic in that regard. Gorilla (or whatever he is) is reading a book, and his friend Jackass (which is kind of a funny name to have in a children's book) can't seem to get his head around it. He keeps asking questions like "How does it scroll down? Does it need a password? Does it tweet?" to which Gorilla simply replies "No. It's a book."

I read it to the kids last night and laughed (especially when the book ended with the pithy "It's a book, Jackass.") but it made me think about the books and their place in our world.

I am a great lover of books. My wife and I were both English majors, so we own plenty of books. Just last week we were measuring the home office to see if we could fit another bookshelf in there. We have bookshelves in our living room, in the kid's bedroom, in the upstairs hallway. The china hutch in the dining room holds our collection of cookbooks and food literature. The floor next to my nightstand is stacked with an ever growing and expanding collection of books I want to read. I meticulously catalogue it all on Goodreads. Our house is overflowing with books.

What is My Modern Mormon Manhood, Anyway?

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by Josh (bio)

Me and my boys making cookies a few years ago.

My manhood and I have had always had an evolving relationship. I am not what most people think of as a typical guy. I am, generally speaking, not into "typical" guy things. I am not, nor have I ever been, an athlete. I don't watch any type of sport on TV, unless you count Top Chef. In fact, the only way I know that major sporting events are occurring is when Facebook lights up with everyone's commentary about whose team is winning or losing, or why Utah fans are better than BYU fans. Usually I am not sure what sport is even being played. I don't like camping. I prefer Nancy Drew to The Hardy Boys. I am confused by Home Depot (why do they need so many kinds of screws?) I have no idea what a jimmer is.

But I grew up in a home where manhood was more rigidly defined. I have five brothers and three sisters who are almost all athletes. When I was born, the second son, it was likely assumed that I would be an athlete too. I remember playing T-Ball when I was about six, and taking a golf clinic in my early teens. It was pretty much the end of my organized sports career. When I was a teen, my activity in the church was sometimes questioned. I went to all of my Sunday meetings, but rarely went to young men/scouts during the week. Most weeks they played basketball. Occasionally they worked on merit badges - neither one was really my scene. So no, I am not an eagle scout. (Sorry - do I get kicked off the blog now?) I remember once finding out that young men in my ward had been given the assignment to find out what I liked so they could plan activities that I would attend. I am grateful for that leader who wanted me to be involved, but also kind of chuckle that the idea of a boy who didn't want to play basketball or go camping left them so flummoxed.

In high school and college, I did theatre. I don't think my parents were expecting to have to come and sit through a lot of poorly done Shakespeare when they had a son, but they were always very supportive and never missed a performance. I am sure they sat through a lot of poorly done shows just for the 15 minutes or so that I might be on stage. But when I did Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, my senior year of high school, my dad was so proud when he watched me perform that he actually cried.