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Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Saintspeak 23: The Letter S, Part 2

by Seattle Jon:

Another installment from Saintspeakthe mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.

Service Project  The festive springtime ritual in which teenage Mormon boys and girls descend upon the home of a defenseless widow, trample her garden, break down her fence, and gouge chunks out of her lawn, all in order to paint large sections of the walls and windows of her house a color that she doesn't like.

Set Apart  The point of no return: Once you're set apart, you can't turn down the calling.

Shake the Dust of Your Feet  What missionaries do in order to trigger the destruction of towns, homes, and dry cleaning establishments that offend them.

Signify By the Usual Sign  Mormons communicate many things with special physical signs of great significance. For instance, closed eyes and a nodding head signify, "My, what an interesting talk!" An upraised right hand signifies, "Thank heaven I didn't get called to do that." And picking up a screaming child and carrying him or her out of a meeting signifies, "The auction is beginning. What am I bid for this child?"

Sister  The Mormon equivalent of Ms. It is used equally to refer to married and unmarried women. While Brother is used to refer only to those male Mormons who do not hold high positions, Sister can be used to refer to any adult Mormon woman from the general president of the Relief Society to the humblest ward member; whether this is because women are more democratic or because no woman is regarded as having genuinely high status in the Church I dare not guess.

Solemn Assembly  What the average sacrament meeting speaker is met with when he tries to make a joke

Son of Perdition  Judging from the fact that the Lord hasn't mentioned any daughters of perdition, this looks like one more position that only men can hold.

Spaulding Theory  The theory that every boy who touches a basketball one thousand times in the cultural hall will eventually go on a mission.

Spirit of Contention  What it is when you disagree with a Church leader. (See spirit of love.)

Spirit of Love  What it is when a Church leader disagrees with you. (See spirit of contention.)

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Seattle Jon is a family man, little league coach, urban farmer and businessman living in Seattle. He currently gets up early with the markets to trade bonds for a living. In his spare time he enjoys movies, thrifting and is an avid reader. He is a graduate of Brigham Young University and the Japan Fukuoka mission field. He has one wife, four kids and three chickens.
 photo Line-625_zpse3e49f32.gifImage credit: Signature Books (used with permission).

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