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Monday, June 2, 2014

MMM Search Term Roundup 13: April 2013 - June 2013

by Scott Heffernan:

See all Search Term Roundups here.

When someone finds Modern Mormon Men via search engine, we get to see what they typed to get here, giving us a small glimpse into the thought processes of those who happen upon our site. I think our readers need to see these, so I'll be sharing them monthly. Some are funny, some are sad, some are disturbing. Maybe we can work together to give some context or help answer some of those curious questions. WARNING: Although some of the more explicit entries have been excluded, saucier phrases that are included have not been edited.

lds terrestrial kingdom games activities
The TK will have the lesser games/activities—golf, rollerblading, synchronized swimming, Chutes and Ladders, etc.

why do mormon people want to go to byu
It’s cheap and you get to turn people in for honor code violations.

mormons red wine vinegar
I enjoy a glass with dinner every night.

pictures of mormon men with long hair

things mormons do on the first date
Ice blocking and light petting.

what do mormons do when they are bored
Ice blocking and light petting.

can i marry a mormon man?
Depends on your sex and/or what state you live in.

did robert d hales appear on the show mad men
He’s made a few appearances. I believe that’s him second from the right.

is mad men okay for mormons?
If it’s good enough for Elder Robert D. Hales, it’s good enough for me.

i asked him to touch me he asked me for a petting chart
I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen.

i wasn't allowed to watch all in the family
I wasn't allowed to watch Married with Children.

how to throw an outdoor mormon party
1. Invite Mormons to your home.
2. Go outside with them.

why mormon men have long fingernails
Because Jesus had long fingernails. And WWJD?

where can i find a lds single man who spanks
Believe it or not, there’s a website for that:

what level of intimacy is appropriate for lds engaged couples?
• High fives
• Hand shakes under 3 seconds
• Side hugs
• Blowing kisses (pecks only, no Frenchies)
• Motorboating

2012 lds naughty/curious club
all men campout with swimming
Something tells me these two are connected in some way

how can a man make himself sterile without a vasectomy
Punch yourself in the junk while wearing tighty-whiteys and smoking pot in a hot tub.

+morman gingers where are they
We sacrifice them in our temples.

brigan yung
So gangster.

do mormon women paint their nails
Any color but red. It’s considered whorish.

do mormons wear red
See above. However, ties and women’s shoes are allowed to be red. (Kind of a weird rule—like how we’re not supposed to have piercings, but one set of earrings is okay.)

was bruce lee a mormon
He was a member of the Reorganized Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (now Community of Christ).

was guy on buffalo mormon

sacrament meeting toys
My favorites are GI Joes, but the problem is my kids always try to play with them.

are mormon men circumcised
Circumcised of the heart!

when will sister missionaries be able to wear pants?
They've been able to wear pants since the '60s... What's that? Are you sure? Oh... Um, soon I hope.

do mormons celebrate father day
We call it Priesthood Day!

famous mormons with tattoos

how mormon men choose a wife
Singles ward directory.

do all paths lead to god?
I hope Google had the answer for you on this.

how mormons get around law of chastity
We get creative! It speaks to our pioneer heritage.

no one is keeping the law of chastity
We technically are. Kind of.

lds teenage son heavy petting
As the saying goes, LDS teenage sons will be LDS teenage sons.

mormon men must wear socks
Two pair even.

what type of man wears spotty socks
Adulterers and blasphemers.

why mormon guys are extra attractive
It's our virginity you're after.

lds babies not allowed to cry
I wish this were true. Mine would be excommunicated by now.

morman men avoid eye contact with women
We keep our eye single to the glory of God so we are always looking up.

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Scott Heffernan is an artist, designer, and photographer living in Seattle. He works on the creative team at Archie McPhee, doing all manner of strange things. He grew up a child of the 80s in Salt Lake City and loves skateboarding, toys, and thrifting. He served a mission in England/Wales and has a degree in American Sign Language from the University of Utah. He has one wife and two kids. Twitter: @ScottHeffernan. Tumblr:
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Ginger image by Tony Alter, temple image by Kris (modified by Scott Heffernan, used with permission).

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