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Monday, November 19, 2012

Saintspeak 12: The Letter J

by Seattle Jon (bio)

Another installment from Saintspeak, the mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.

Jackson County The former location of the Garden of Eden. Now it's part of the Kansas City metropolitan area. If Adam had just held on a little longer, his property would have been worth millions.

Jay-Dubs The Saints' oddly affectionate name for Jehovah's Witnesses, the other 19th-century American religion that matches our missionary zeal throughout the world. It is the secret dream and dread of every Mormon missionary to meet a jay-dub head on in open battle - much like the feelings of the average knight toward a dragon. It would be nice to slay one but even nicer never to meet one.

Journal Every Latter-day Saint keeps a journal. In the average journal, the first entry is three pages long, the second is one paragraph, the third is a single line, and the fourth was never written.

Journal of Discourses A mammoth collection of speeches by General Authorities in the 19th-century, containing many doctrines that were never taught by the Church. As a safety measure, it was once suppressed by the Church, for several once-bright people had gone mad trying to make all the old-time apostles' statements fit within the same gospel. Today, however, there is no fear of ill effects from publishing the Journal of Discourses, for only fundamentalists, anti-Mormons, and historians ever read it.

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