Guest Post: Am I A Father?

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Kyle August would like to smile, say hello, look you in the front-facing camera, and give you a firm digital handshake. He would like you to know how fanatical he is about the Portland Trail Blazers, brown sugar, packing a car, and being married to the conqueror of his heart. Because he's 24, he's confident that you'll find his perspective either naive, or fresh. You decide. He's just trying to make it through life without doing anything too stupid. Join him, but not before reading his first guest post here.

For the first time in my life I woke up to the smell and sound of crackling bacon. You could say that’s because you can touch our bed and the kitchen sink at the same time. Or, you could say that I was excited about my first Father’s Day.

But why was I excited? I’ve only been married for two months. Am I father yet? Good question. Let’s roll out the definition and see if I can pick out something to justify receiving that king-sized Snickers from the young women.

father |ˈfäðər|
noun
1 a man in relation to his natural child or children.
• a man who has continuous care of a child, esp. by adoption; an adoptive father, stepfather, or foster father.
• a father-in-law.
• (usu. fathers) poetic/literary an ancestor.
• (also founding father) an important figure in the origin and early history of something.

Let’s see. Children? Negative. Plus, this isn’t really the right place for an announcement.

Adoption? Continuous care? This may be stretching it, but do golf clubs count?

Father-in-law? No kids = nobody can marry what doesn’t exist. (Sorry to break it to all of you who still fantasize about glistening vampires. It ain’t happening!)

Ancestor? The oldest? C’mon, I’m 24.

All right we may have something here, “an important figure in the origin and early history of something.” I’m pretty sure I started that whole “pick the pepperonis off your pizza, stack them on your plate, and eat them like a sandwich” thing. Man, I’m striking out.

Let’s face it; according to definition, I’m not a father. But I’ve been fathered by plenty of people that aren’t Mark Christensen. Church leaders, coaches, teachers; the list goes on. The important thing is to recognize that men hold a special place in the raising and rearing of children, no matter who those children belong to. The day should be changed to “Influential Males on Children Day.”

Have I been influential in the life on a child? I think so. I’m pretty sure playing Batman with my nephew counts. So, if you, too, have ever slobbered all over yourself while imitating a machine gun noise, then let us raise our Snickers to the sky, clank them together, and eat them with a clear conscious.

That’s my definition of being a father. What’s yours?