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Monday, May 16, 2011

Guest Post: A Newborn's Perspective

by Bitner (bio)

Steele was born last Wednesday morning; the third child of MMM contributor, Bitner. He has some insights to share from his last few days in the premortal realm and his first few days on earth, all of which have been in the Commonwealth of Virginia.

It was about 5:00 a.m. Wednesday morning when I needed a good stretch. An unintended consequence of my stretching was that my life-sack broke and one-third of my Vitamin Water disappeared. I love my Vitamin Water! Why would I intentionally get rid of some?

Well, regardless of any intentions, the process had begun. I was going to be born in a matter of hours from "stretch-gate" as it is now called. (By the way, wouldn't you want to stretch if you were upside down for a few weeks? So don't judge me.)

My mom, bless her heart, had intended to go natural. A hippie friend of hers talked her into it. As it turned out, I know she went natural because the doctor was saying, "whoa, ok, let's take that energy from the screaming up there and focus it down here, ok?"

And I was like, "Amen, Doc! If I can't have my Vitamin Water, it ain't that comfy here."

But nobody could hear me because I can't talk yet.

Talking is overrated. But this typing thing? Solid. I use my mom's netbook when she's asleep.

Anyway, so it was only about 20 minutes from the time we arrived at the hospital to the time I was out. I nearly pooped everywhere because the doctor nearly DROPPED me. For reals. That was not cool.

There's def some pluses and minuses to being a newborn. Getting bathed and cleaned = nice! Getting cream slathered in my eyes and shots in my heel = weak!

Learning new things is fun. I had to learn how to eat now that the Vitamin Water was gone (love you V-dub!) and I had no idea how the process works but I felt this urge to suck on something. My dad was holding me and I felt this thing on my cheek so I turned and started sucking. It was my dad's bicep. No nourishment there. It wasn't until later that I found some rich goodness flowing from my mom's chest area. She keeps saying "my boobs hurt" when I'm eating so I think that's what they're called, "Boobs Hurt."

But I can't see well, so I still get confused when I don't know who is holding me when I'm hungry. I still try sucking on my dad's bicep and I'm not sure what that says about his bicep. Or what it says about my mom's boobs. You decide.

I'm really glad my dad is clean shaven. All the brothers in heaven are clean shaven. All. Even the Top Two. Just sayin'.


Oh, please, don't go trying to throw the "veil of forgetfulness" argument at me. The whole veil thing doesn't come into effect until I can start talking. Even then, it's like swiss cheese for quite awhile -- I should be able to see/remember a lot about the pre-Vitamin Water realm until I'm in Primary. Maybe I could do some Q&A with MMM readership until the holes in the swiss cheese fill in. Y'all have no idea.

Well, I need to eat again so I'm about to start crying to wake up my mom, bless her heart.

P.S. My dad is trying to tell people that this (see below) is how the kids looked like when he brought them to see me for the first time. Keep dreamin' Dad! You ain't that good.

Ok, I gotta run. Have a meeting with Boobs Hurt.

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