Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Saintspeak 24: The Letter S, Part 3



by Seattle Jon:

Another installment from Saintspeakthe mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.

Spirit Prison  Where the missionaries will finally get to visit all the people who never answered their doors.

Set Apart  The point of no return: Once you're set apart, you can't turn down the calling.

Stake  An organization with no congregation. Half the people in your ward that you think are inactive or dead just have stake callings.

Stake Conference  The famous Mormon Mother Survival Test, in which participants are required to tend at least three children for two whole hours, struggling to keep them quiet on metal chairs in a room with an incredibly loud echo. There is no requirement that mothers be sane afterward, or even ambulatory. They only have to have a pulse and still be able to find the Cheerios bag within five minutes upon request.

Stake House  The old term for a stake center. It was changed because too many nonmembers were getting the wrong idea about what Mormons did on Sunday, for what they heard was: "Oh, I've just been over to the steak house."

Standard Works  The only books that every Mormon owns, every Mormon believes, every Mormon quotes, and every Mormon has read-except for Second Nephi, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, and everything in the Old Testament after the fifth chapter of Job.

Sticks  What Mormon young men call their scriptures to show they're familiar enough with them to use their nickname, yet don't understand them well enough to refer to them with respect.

Straight and Narrow Path  What I am walking on, no matter how many bends and turns I take.

Straight Is the Gate, and Narrow is the Way A warning that there will be long lines to get into the celestial kingdom, unless someone who went on ahead is saving you a place.

Stupor of Thought  What the Lord puts in the minds of BYU students to let them know their teacher has written an unrighteous test.

Swearing  What it's called when you use some of the words the early Brethren used.

Sweet Spirit  The worst thing you can call a Mormon girl.

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Seattle Jon is a family man, little league coach, urban farmer and businessman living in Seattle. He currently gets up early with the markets to trade bonds for a living. In his spare time he enjoys movies, thrifting and is an avid reader. He is a graduate of Brigham Young University and the Japan Fukuoka mission field. He has one wife, four kids and three chickens.
 photo Line-625_zpse3e49f32.gifImage credit: Signature Books (used with permission).

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