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Friday, November 1, 2013

I'm Joni Hilton's Computer, and I'd Just Like to Say I'm Sorry

by Shawn Tucker (bio)

Hello, I'm a Dell Inspiron 660 and I belong to Joni Hilton. From my Intel® Celeron® Dual Core Processor to the potato chip crumbs between my Z and X keys, I would just like to say that I'm very sorry about Joni's recent article in Meridian Magazine.

I am sorry about the post, but I want you to know that I tried several things to get Joni to not write or publish it. Things were going fine recently, you know, some YouTube videos and some Facebook posts, but then Joni started to write this article against Liberal Mormons. Initially, I hoped that it was just some little rant that she would delete, but then she kept writing.

At first I tried to distract her. I randomly opened Firefox to Pinterest, hoping that pictures of cute Halloween costumes or adorable Relief Society centerpieces would take her mind off of the article long enough to snap her back to reality.

When that didn't work I opened her Chrome browser to Mark 4:26-29, you know, the parable about the seed that grows in secret. I hoped that this would be enough to remind her that others grow in secret and she does not get to know their hearts, minds or motivations. She read the scripture, but I guess the message was too subtle.

Of course the next thing was to open Explorer to King Benjamin's speech, you know the part about bearing one another's burdens. That might have worked, but Joni's screen saver with a CTR shield and the song Choose the Right came up, and by then Explorer had crashed.

With a rising sense of panic, my next attempt to stop the article was to pull up a YouTube video of Jesus showing compassion to the woman caught in adultery, you know, the Church Bible video. I hoped His compassionate look would make Joni think twice. When that didn't work, I changed the title of the video to The Woman Caught Not Living the Gospel the Way Joni Does and then I tried The Woman Caught in Liberalism. Nope, nope, nope — nothing. Joni just kept writing.

Finally, just before she sent the article to Meridian Magazine, I tried to bring up the Relief Society Logo with Charity Never Faileth, or even the compassionate service lesson that Joni gave the Relief Society sisters a few years ago, but I was too late. Charity Never Faileth, but my cyber-intervention did!

All of this is to say that yes, I tried, really, I tried to stop Joni. I figured she would regret it, I mean, I've been with her a while and she does love people and God, but, you know, she just gets frightened when people think or act or live the Gospel differently than she does. Frankly, I wish I could say or do something to ease the pain that her uncompassionate disservice caused, but I'm a computer ... I'm not a human. I couldn't stop Joni and I cannot make you forgive her.

So, I will give you the next best thing, the thing that so many of you seem to crave: a cute cat picture.


Joni Hilton's Computer

Oh, and if you love Modern Mormon Men like I do, please check out my other favorite website, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer.

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