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Friday, April 20, 2012

Guest Post: A Taxonomy Of Women

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Tanner was born and raised in Georgia, with a few years in Alabama. He has a delightful wife, Sarah, and a fat, adorable and cheerful six-month old son, Nikolai. He is currently completing his master's degree at Georgia State University focusing on corpus linguistics. He served a mission in the Czech Republic and Slovakia. Tanner played football and rugby though high school and college and was a male cheerleader his last year at BYU. His time is mostly split between family, school and work (and trying to watch college football on Saturdays). For work, Tanner is a linguist analyzing less common languages and writing language tests, as well working as an academic research assistant. He also has a pressure washing business on the side. You can read Tanner's first guest post here.

Taxonomy of a Distant Planet by Michael Chesworth
To say that women are complicated and incomprehensible is like saying that the sky is blue. Everybody knows it. In fact, this is so commonly accepted that nobody bothers talking about it until it reaches a state of extreme. That is when people say things like, “Wow, what a beautiful day!”, or “Wow, did you see that sky today? Talk about blue!” However, in the case of women those sentences often begin with more profane exclamations. Yet, the complicity of women need not befuddle men. In reality, there exists a very simple way of looking at women as they all fit into one of two categories: girls that will date me and girls that will not date me. As dating is the reason and purpose of a young man’s life, it is urgent that men become acquainted with the varying types of women before proceeding to date. As an expert on women, I have included a guide to the taxonomy of a few select genres of the feminine type.

The Athlete. The athlete is a great girl. She enjoys sports, working out, and physical stimulation. This is a great thing as long as you share these qualities, but if you do not you should immediately cease in your pursuit of the athlete. The athlete is a team player and needs social activity; yet, because of this need of social action, personal one-on-one time is of greater value to her than to other types. The athlete is strong and decisive. If you cannot provide strong support for her to match her own strong will your quest for her will fail. The athlete has physical stamina and energy to spare, and excess energy often leads to a demanding sense of humor, so cardboard boxes need not apply. If you have support and consistency to offer then the athlete is a great dating option. Dating recommendations include: outdoor activities, hiking, dancing, and hopscotch.

The Model. The model belongs among the most dangerous breeds of women. Her beauty attracts many men, so you are not the only suitor. There is much risk in attempting to date her; any displeasing her will be amplified when she defames you because of her social respect and power. Despite her hard to please, and high-maintenance tendencies, she yearns for sincere individual attention. Most people see her as the beautiful person that she is; however, she feels that not only is she beautiful outside, but that she has a great personality to offer. If you do not share the same conviction of her good personality, or do not have faith that said personality will present itself once you commence your courtship, all efforts should be abandoned. This presents a serious obstacle as her personality is usually paper-thin and a bland, mauve color. The model feeds off the attention others give her and is therefore dependent upon sociality. If you cannot equal the model socially, do not attempt to date her. Model men best fit model women. Date recommendations include: cocktail parties, private parties, making fun of the other types of women, VIP parties, and complimenting her.

The Shy Girl. Difficult to classify, the shy girl is like quantum physics; we all know it exists, but very few know much about it. The shy girl is quiet and will not seek you out. Her intrapersonal tendencies make it difficult to recognize any signs of interest. This type of girl may very well be madly in love with you, but it would not be evident. In stoic fashion, the shy girl focuses on her own individual world and great efforts must be taken for you to become incorporated into it; this takes time. The shy girl does not embrace foreign entities, and, therefore, it is necessary to take the steps of becoming a familiar part of her world. Despite this hindrance in dating the shy girl, she has much to offer, the benefits of which are often magnified due to the personal efforts made to get to know the shy girl. Strategy and investment are necessary to conquer the shy girl. As much as she must internally integrate you into her world and emotional state of being, the shy girl cares more truly than many other types in the female taxonomy. Date recommendations include: reading.

The Country Girl. The country girl is the general antithesis of the shy girl and the model. Down to earth, genuine, and outgoing, the country girl often exudes a distinct, strong personality. This can be very attractive. Beware, however, of the fact that strong happy and outgoing personalities often harbor negative traits of similar magnitude. The country girl will embrace your advances in dating, and is relatively easy to please. The country girl is among the most guy-friendly women types and respects your need for football, pizza, and WWF. She is down to earth, appreciates people, and if you share the same interests as she, then great blessings are in store for you. Interests, however, are often among the biggest problems with the country girl. If you do not enjoy country music, big trucks, rodeos, and hoe-downs stop chasing this girl, for these things run deep in the country girl, and she will not surrender them. Date ideas include: tractor pulls, fishing, working on the farm, and spitting.

The Drama Queen. The drama queen is a fickle individual and can stem from any other type of girl. The drama queen is similar to the baroque art movement, where extreme emotion was the single common characteristic among many varying styles of art. The drama queen understands happiness as rapture, bliss, and twiterpation, and seeks to feel this way all of the time. Most commonly she associates these feelings with men, and will therefore readily accept your pursuit and dates. Nevertheless, these feelings stem from the novelty of the relationship and not from how great you actually are. Once this glazed incandescence wears off, any mistake you might make will result in your complete slander and libel. The drama queen is perfect, and as so every possible mistake will be your fault. The drama queen’s contempt and depression equal her ecstasy and joy. No man in his right mind would date the drama queen, yet they conceal themselves under the mask of someone else. Date recommendations include: separation.

The Feminist. The Feminist is strong; she is woman. Intellectual, opinionated, and intelligent, the feminist is a wonderful source of conversation. Rarely will you find a lazy feminist. If you are able to respect her space and vicious individuality, you may be able to please her. On the other hand, you must capitulate from any preconceived notions of how to treat a woman, so treating her appropriately is a most difficult task. Each one varies as to her degree of feminist conviction; as a result, you must take utmost care to not offend her. The feminist can be a horrible enemy, as her consistency and ability to reason are both top notch, but with time she may very well become your best friend. Loyalty and consideration is required and characteristic of her. Date recommendations include: museums, rallies, open-mic nights, and protests.

The Middle-Class Girl. The middle class girl is the most common type of female. The term middle class girl does not refer to a financial state or background, but rather a medium of social extremes. Not possessing any characteristics so strong and distinct as to land her in any of the previously mentioned categories, the middle class girl is generally a blend of several possible genres. Because of her lack of outstanding features that would set her apart from a large group, the middle class girl is easily overlooked. However, thanks to the same blend of traits that cause her to be overlooked, she is eclectic, open to various forms of entertainment and activities, and more versatile than any genre of women that is separated by extreme characteristics. Yet, despite the deception of not being extreme in personality, it is this class of women that defines the incomprehensibility of women. Because they lack overly intense personalities, they best portray the confusing nature of women. The middle class girl is far more common than any of the types of women, and many of us are probably more familiar with this type of woman than any other. Date recommendations include: non-spaghetti dinners, creative outings, mini-golf, and weddings.

Dating is a rigorous, painful, yet necessary part of a young man's life. The saying, "Women, you can't live with them and you can't live without them" is true. Women are key to a fulfilling life. Making the right choices can bring immeasurable joy into life; while, on the other hand, it is better to live alone in the forest than in a home with an unhappy wife, as Solomon roughly put it. Consequently, knowing what you are up against in the dating field is a must, and every guy should take care in learning as much as about women as possible.

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