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Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Saintspeak 6: The Letter D

by Seattle Jon (bio)

Another installment from Saintspeak, the mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.

D&C An abbreviation for Doctrine and Covenants that invariably makes non-member gynecologists do a double-take.

Dear John What every male missionary fears most during the first twenty-one months of his mission and prays for constantly during the last three months.

Deseret Book The correlated bookstore. If Deseret Book sells it, it's okay to read.

Dialogue A publication of near-apostates claiming to be good Mormons, who fill the pages of the journal with heresies and perversions, and worst of all treat the gospel as if there were still questions that haven't been resolved. If you see an issue of Dialogue in a friend's home, treat him with love and kindness and try to keep him as busy as possible with church work. Remember, only people who have time to think ever get wrong ideas.

Dispensation Because the Lord likes to be neat he has divided man's existence upon the earth into seven periods of exactly one thousand years each, called dispensations, the first six of which are presided over by, respectively, Adam, Noah, Moses, Elijah, Peter, and Joseph Smith. The Lord would never go over or under by a year or two, for that would make thousands of Seminary and Institute lessons obsolete.

Dixie Brigham Young sent hundreds of Saints to colonize Southern Utah and produce cotton, wine, and other useful products. The only product that really did well was the wine. And when the Brethren found out that the Saints in the wine country were passing the sacramental wine cup around for a second sip so as not to let any go to waste, their wine-making days were numbered.

Doctrine Any idea that I have about the gospel, even if I can't find it in the scriptures, because I'm sure someone said it in General Conference sometime. (see dogma)

Dogma Any idea that you try to get me to believe just because somebody said it in General Conference sometime. (see doctrine)

Duty to God A prize given to LDS boys for outward signs of righteousness on the theory that boys too wicked to be virtuous for love of the Lord will nevertheless pass up all the interesting sins of adolescence in order to win some praise and a little pin.

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