by Topher Clark (bio)
If you go to Lowe's to pick up some weed killer, can I recommend that you DO NOT DO SO WHILE IMPAIRED OR DISTRACTED? I made this fatal mistake two months ago and I'm still paying for it. Doubtless you've driven by my house and seen these horrifying spots on my front lawn. Your diagnosis, Rhizoctonia Yellow Patch, is sensible and would be the same diagnosis I would make. Except I know the truth. Four weeks ago I tried to kill a bunch of dandelions with weed spray - the kind that kills grass as well!!!!
It was all a horrible mistake. I was in Lowe's expressly for the purpose of buying weed killer. It would have taken me five seconds to check the label. There are weed sprayers out there that are perfectly harmless to grass. Right now I should be enjoying a lush carpet of green like all my neighbors (well, most of my neighbors hint hint.) But instead I look out the window and I only see lesions and blight. Why would my kids play out there? It's like dancing on a field of acne. Sounds gross? You should see it! You probably have!
What was I so busy thinking about that day at Lowe's? I have no idea. Probably the Real Housewives of New Jersey. I think about that a lot. Other things I think about are:
1. What would I do if a terrorist came into this store right now? (fight or flight)
2. Why do people think all bald men look the same? Like we have the same face?
3. Popcorn
4. Why does the willow tree in my backyard keep falling over? Why can't I prop it up?
5. How am I going to tell Owen about sex in the coolest, least uncomfortable way possible?
And that's only five things. I think about a ton of things. And in the process, I distractedly buy poison, take it home and intermittently kill my lawn with it. DO NOT DO THIS. Next time you are in Lowe's, make sure you've had a good night sleep. Don't be talking on your cell phone (OR TEXTING). Don't take any kids. Shower and dress comfortably, but keep it classy. And just read the labels, you guys. Read the freaking labels.
