by Seattle Jon (bio)
Another installment from Saintspeak, the mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.
Nephite A white and delightsome person who always gets rich whenever he is righteous, and always gets proud and wicked whenever he gets rich, and always has some disaster befall him whenever he gets proud and wicked, and always repents and gets righteous whenever a disaster befalls him. Fortunately, while Mormons today always get rich when they are righteous, they never get proud and wicked when they are rich. Therefore they are safe from disasters.
New Jerusalem A vast new city that will be built before the Second Coming. Prophecies have it that the Lamanites will actually build the city. They'll have to. The rest of the Saints will be too busy selling real estate, maternity insurance, and recorded talks by General Authorities.
The New Era The official Church magazine for Mormon teenagers, from which young Saints learn that if they are righteous they will always be happy and never have a bad case of acne.
Noah A man who found out that you should plan for everything in your year's supply.
No amount of success in the home ... can compensate for failure to win the MegaCorp account.
Non-Mormons People that you're supposed to convert to the gospel, but in the meantime don't let their children go out with yours.