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Monday, April 22, 2013

Top Ten (Clean) Twitter Picks

by LJ (bio)

I first joined Twitter in 2008 to prove to a company they should hire me as their social media coordinator. When I didn't get the job, I abandoned my account for a few years because a) I didn't see the point of Twitter and b) I didn't know how to use it anyway. Hence why I wasn't hired.

Now that I've joined the scads of smartphone-addicted-robots in America, I turn to my phone for entertainment should my brain ever fall to rest. Twitter is my favorite--I can streamline my social media to only include people who spit out pithy punch lines that are (mostly) free of smut.

Without further ado, I present my Top Ten (Clean) Twitter Picks:

C.S. Lewis Quotes (@CSLewisDaily). The best place to turn for a daily dose of my favorite honorary emeritus apostle.

Rowan Atkinson (@OfficialMrBean). His feed is funny, but also purely self-depricating and never mean.

Science Porn (@SciencePorn). Tasteless name, awesome facts and photos.

Google Facts (@GoogleFacts). Several mind-blowing little facts a week. Note: there is the occasional sex-related fact, but nothing crazy.

Novelty Feeds
Modern Seinfeld (@SeinfeldToday). These tweets are plots of would-be Seinfeld episodes, and they're dead on. My personal favorite so far: "George dates the model who is 'the face of Duane Reade.' Kramer is furious to learn that she's not actually a pharmacist." Runners up include Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) and Very Short Story (@VeryShortStory) for pure quality content.

My heart has been with Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) since I heard the line about trays of bacon in Las Vegas breakfast buffets. ("There should be like a rainbow coming out of it or something ... I FOUND IT! I FOUND THE SOURCE OF ALL BACON!") He's good clean comedy, and is currently posting photos of his most recent tour, which he's taking with his wife and all five of their children. Runners-up for clean comedians are Mike Birbiglia (@birbigs) and Stevens Colbert and Martin. (@StephenAtHome and @SteveMartinToGo)

Steve Carell (@SteveCarell) tweets classy: kind, family-friendly, and funny at no one's expense. My second-favorite is Alan Tudyk (@alantudyk), with Zachary Levi (@ZacharyLevi) at third.

Bishop. Freaking. Higgins. (@bishophiggins) My only complaint is that the Good Bishop doesn't tweet often enough for me. Runner-up for Bloggernacle tweets is C. Jane (@CJaneKendrick). Oh, and, uh, Modern Mormon Men (@ModernMormonMen).

Honest Toddler (@HonestToddler): what your 2 year old would say if they had a full adult vocabulary and a professional degree in guilt trips. They also wrote this post on their blog, which was so funny it had me crying tears of mirth in the middle of labor.

Random Hilarious People
I saved the best for last: Mr. Sammy Rhodes (@prodigalsam). I found him after following Zachary Levi and I have never looked back. This guy is pure comedic gold.

Just a few of my favorites:
-Nothing's more frightening than accidentally making eye contact with a guy who runs a mall kiosk.
-There are only two ways to break a chair: the scary way or the sad way.
-Saw a Subaru crash into a Prius today. There was quinoa everywhere.
-Judging by how badly I just burned this toast, I would've been Hufflepuff.

So there you have it. Tell me, dear readers, what are your favorite (clean) Twitter follows?

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