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Thursday, July 12, 2012

Saintspeak 10: The Letter H

by Seattle Jon (bio)

Another installment from Saintspeak, the mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.

Happy Valley Utah Valley. Protected from the world by a ring of mountains, blessed with fertile soil, with well over 90 percent of the population Mormon and Brigham Young University the valley's largest business by far, the place is indistinguishable from the city of Enoch. If it weren't for a few humanists, cynics, and Democrats, it would have been translated years ago.

Harmony What Latter-day Saints used to believe they ought to be in with their leaders, their families, and their fellow Saints. In recent years, enlightened Saints have come to reject the idea of harmony, in which many different melodies work together to create music, and instead understand that the Lord prefers plainsong, in which all the voices endlessly sing in unison.

History A collection of faith-promoting stories about dead people, whether the events actually happened or not.

Homemaking The art of removing all evidence that anyone lives in your house.

Hope A level of certainty that is stronger than suspicion and weaker than belief. It means you are in doubt but you want it to be true.

Hot drinks To normal Latter-day Saints, tea and coffee; to fervent believers, everything containing caffeine, including ice-cold colas; to fanatics, everything that contains caffeine and every drink that is served hot.

Humility A precious liquid that many Mormons carry with them; strangely, no matter what container it is in, it is always deep, never shallow.

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