Advice For My 16 Year-Old Son About Stepping Up His Game w/Girls

Tweet

by Shawn Tucker:

The only thing more awkward than this post about helping my son learn how to be confident talking with girls is the fact that I discussed these ideas with him recently when he was trapped in the car with me. It is interesting to watch your child consider the implications of throwing himself out of a car going 65 miles per hour on a freeway. Luckily he chose to smile, nod, and think of something else while I gave him a version of the following advice. And now I’d like to spread the awkwardness around the interwebs. Here’s my advice to a 16-year-old modern Mormon young man on how to step up his game with girls:

1. Be 16. What this means is be patient with yourself and allow yourself to grow into being someone who is confident with women. Frankly, 16-year-old girls are like 16-year-old boys, and, yes I will say it, most girls are just as awkward around boys as you are around them. And hey, you like them, so…

2. Keep in mind one goal: helping her feel at ease, safe, comfortable, and getting to know her. When you are getting to know a girl your age, keep in mind that your goal is to get to know her. Do what you can to actually listen to her. Care enough about what she’s saying to hear it and to perhaps even show her you’re listening by remembering what she says and say it back to her. You can go a long way by later on saying something like, “I remember when you told me that you quit playing soccer because you had such a bad coach—that must have really sucked for you!” Saying things like this show you care enough to listen and think about what she has told you, but keep in mind to be genuine about this, since the goal is helping her feel safe and at ease.

How a Temple Visit Changed My Life, Just Not Like You Expect

Tweet

by Eliana:

I'm not a big temple goer but I recently was an escort for a young friend getting married whose family couldn't participate. We were at the Mt. Timpanogos Temple in Lehi, Utah (or thereabouts—all those towns slide together to me). Being there just for someone else, not thinking about myself, was a really good experience for me.

During some of the waiting around in the sealing room, I thought of the last and only time I'd been to this temple in particular. I will take you back in time now to 1996 when Mt. Timpanogos Temple was first opening …

I was an 18 year old sophomore at BYU-Provo, just known as BYU back in the day. I was engaged (it is so hard to keep typing this without throwing up) to the former roommate of my former boyfriend. I KNOW! He'd gotten baptized at the University of Utah over the summer and we decided to go to the temple open house with his mother in town visiting.

Help!--Staying Together for the Kids

Tweet

by Quietly Grieving in Zion:

My wife and I were married more than 20 years ago, and we have several children. One child is a returned missionary and another is currently serving. We have a teenager at home and one who will soon be a teenager.

My wife and I have a relationship that has steadily deteriorated for years. We really have no relationship any longer; we are not even friends. We don't talk or enjoy one another's company at all. We used to fight, but now we don't really care enough for that. We went to couple's therapy less than a year ago, but that ended poorly for me. Recent events have made it clear to me how unhappy I am with her. She was recently gone for about a week, and I could not believe how relieved and happy I felt to not have her in the same house. I also feel much more effective as a father when I'm not around her.

I want my children that are still at home to spend as much time as possible together and with her. I also want to be with them as much as possible. That leads me to desire that we stay together for the kids. Staying together would also be easier financially and socially. But I have found myself counting down the years until we can separate. I also have tremendous loneliness, anxiety, and grief over the death of a relationship that I thought would last forever. I believe it would be easier to grieve as well as move on if I could separate, but, of course, I'm afraid that that would be selfish.

I'm not expecting anyone to answer this for me. I pray about it all of the time. I'm considering seeking professional help to assist in determining whether I should stay for the kids or insist (against what I believe are my wife's wishes) that we separate. Many of you have experience with this that may be helpful. Please share. I anticipate the widest variety of responses; please leave your experience as a comment. Please provide your ideas in the most honest and loving way possible without worrying about how others might respond or how others' experiences may differ.

Thank you

Image credit: BK (used with permission).

MMM Library: Choose Your Love, Love Your Choice

Tweet

by Pete Codella:

Something President Monson said in General Conference recently really stood out to me. He said: “Choose your love; love your choice.”

He made this comment in regard to the concept and importance of marriage to members of the priesthood in the General Priesthood meeting. I have witnessed many different marriages and divorces - even subsequent marriages by those who have already ‘been there and done that.’ Sadly, we’ve heard much reported lately about married, powerful, well-known men who have had affairs and, as a result, caused all sorts of damage to their families and communities.

Rather than define marriage or discuss problems caused by infidelity, I’d like to share my personal experience with marriage and why I agree with President Monson that once you’ve made the commitment to be married you should love your choice — both your choice to be married and the person you married.

I had the privilege of traveling with the BYU Young Ambassadors for three years while I was in college. I thought, even hoped, I’d find my eternal companion among the ranks of that talented ensemble. But alas, it wasn’t to be, and I’m certainly grateful for that. After college I spent a couple years chasing my Broadway dream in New York City, working to support myself and continuing to sing, dance and act when given the opportunity. Then, at a fortuitous moment, a job at BYU’s Performing Arts Management office opened up. I applied and was ultimately offered the job.

MMM Library: The Birds & the Bees (& Babies)

Tweet

by Aimee:

As a marriage and family therapist (and someone who just enjoys chatting about the subject), I hear a lot of couples discuss their struggles with getting back into the intimacy groove once the baby(ies) joins the family. As a new mom, an article titled Sex and The Baby Years really helped me get my head back in the game a few weeks after having our baby boy.

The CNN Health author, Ian Kerner, takes a fun, realistic approach on the issue of sexuality for couples after babies. One of my favorite lines from the article reads:

We believe that sex matters. It’s the glue that binds couples together. It’s what makes us more than just friends. Without sex, lovers become roommates, and a bedroom becomes just a place to sleep in (often with a kid or two in it as well).

Amen. Sex matters! A lot. And as committed couples, working hard to make sex an enjoyable, safe and pleasant experience can make all the difference in our overall health.

Also note the great advice for dads (hint: Don't Give Up!) and the direct, healthy advice for moms in point number four.

This post was originally published August 5, 2011.


Raised by a self-declared "Zen Mormon,” Aimee was exposed to a unique, open approach to mormonism. This allows her to easily relate to people of all different backgrounds. She will be contributing to Modern Mormon Men with her insights as a marriage and family therapist and has the great pleasure of writing on topics regarding mental and emotional health, parenting, couplehood, sexuality, and anything else she sees fit to share. Aimee served a mission in the beautiful countryside of Sendai, Japan. She graduated from Seattle Pacific University and practices in Redmond, Washington. She loves her (above-average) charming husband and son. Aimee is world renowned for her parallel parking skills and vertical leap. If you ever run into her, she will be happy to demonstrate either.
Image credit: Charlotte (used with permission).

Marriage Advice

Tweet

by Eliana:

From my father-in-law to his son, my husband, at some point between ages 21 and 26 when we got married: "There's a lot of women who are good in the kitchen. You got to make sure you find one who's good in the bedroom."

From the musical and actual novel Les Miserables: "To love another person is to see the face of God."

From my grandmother at my bridal shower: "Before you get married, keep your eyes wide open. After you get married, keep them half shut."

Thoughts on Same-Sex Marriage

Tweet

by Pete Codella:

Note: This post has been mulling around in my head for a while now. I’ll share the two separate concurrent Sunday conversations that motivated me to finally write it, then provide a few thoughts.

Conversation 1

Heard in Relief Society, as retold to me by my wife last Sunday afternoon ...

Question posed by the teacher: What threats do our families face in this day and age?

One woman's answer: The gays.

Conversation 2

A thought I shared in Elders Quorum that same Sunday during a lesson on the divine nature of the family ...

What the LDS community has is an opportunity to live with love and charity towards all; to be accepting of everyone even when their values don’t align with ours. There are plenty of laws in the U.S. and other countries that are contrary to the laws of the gospel.

Even when homosexual marriage becomes a federal civil right (which I believe will happen during President Obama’s second term) we can still honor and support marriage and the family as described by living prophets:

“The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.” — The Family, A Proclamation to the World

This approach is no different than keeping the Word of Wisdom when others choose to smoke, do drugs or drink alcohol.

Some Additional Thoughts

I was amazed by the bigoted comment shared in the women’s Sunday meeting. Can you imagine how a comment like that would be received if it were focused on people of a certain race or religion?

Guest Post: The Princess Bride, An Allegory

Tweet

According to full-time contributor, Dustin, writing guest posts on MMM gives you more personal energy. See if he's right, and write something now. Submit via email with a short personal introduction.

Reid is an endocrinologist from Henderson, Nevada. Reid is blessed with a wonderful wife and three great kids. He counts it miraculous that his eclectic interests (family, travel, museums, history, Imperial Roman coinage of the Flavian Dynasty, fly fishing and cycling) are actually shared by at least one member of his family. Reid enjoys blogging on every-day occurrences as seen through his Mormon sunglasses.

I used to be a movie guy, but somewhere along the way I lost some of my passion for them. It's something I'm working on, because the rest of the family loves them. The other day, the girls brought home one of my favorite movies of all time: The Princess Bride. They bought the 25th Anniversary disc (here for MMM's 25th Anniversary post) and I not only watched all of it, but all the the Special Features as well.

How can you not love a movie about a beautiful kidnapped princess, the evil Prince that is trying to marry her against her will, and the farmboy/pirate/rescuer that is her one true love? It's inconceivable!

The story is about true love. Westley's love for Buttercup takes him to the ends of the earth to save her as he amazes us with his bravery, composure and wit in the process. I think part of what makes me love the movie is Westley's unquenchable determination against obstacles which include:

• the Cliffs of Insanity (surrounded by waters infested with shrieking eels)
• the sword of Inigo Montoya the Spaniard
• the brute strength of Fezzik the giant
• the evil genius of Vizzini the Sicilian
• a cup laced with iocane (a deadly Australian poison that is odorless, colorless, tasteless and dissolves instantly in liquid)
• the ruthless six-fingered Count Rugen and his brute squad
• the Fire Swamp with it's Lightning Sand and ROUS (rodents of unusual size)
• the Pit of Despair with it's thick chains, secret entrance and Count Rugen's torture machine--the source of ultimate suffering (which literally sucks the life out of you)
• the locked castle gate of Prince Humperdinck and it's sixty guards

As with all fairy tales, this story can be viewed as allegorical.* It teaches us about such immortal themes as patience, perseverance, loyalty and most importantly true love. Such lessons may come in handy as we intermittently wrestle with giants or ROUS, cross swords with Spaniards, cling tenuously from the Cliffs of Insanity. Unfortunately most of use are destined to spend at least some time alone in the Pit of Despair.

Guest Post: Dating Dilemma

Tweet

It doesn't matter if you're man or woman, gay or straight, dark- or light-skinned. All can equally submit guest posts to Modern Mormon Men. Write something now and submit via email.

John P. is an older YSA born and raised in San Antonio, Texas. He served a mission in Sydney Australia and graduated from BYU with a Bachelors in Accounting. He later earned a law degree from the University of Cincinnati. His post started as an angry rant about how dating sucks and nothing seems to work that turned into a self-reflective voir dire about personal dilemmas and how they affect him.

In Mormon culture you could say I've failed miserably. Here I am 29 years old, RM, BYU graduate and recent Law School graduate, but one thing still eludes me: that special someone to share forever with. With each new weekend, month and year, I feel no closer to the gateway of marital bliss. Why? Why am I still single? Why is dating hard? Why do all my dates end the same way? If I had the answers, I probably would not complain. Looking back I see four issues (there are many more I'm sure):

1) I'm an introvert

I learned through years of trying that I am not social. Being around people makes me feel left out. The larger the group the more left out I feel. The first thing I look for at any party or gathering is an exit, usually multiple routes. (If you really want to freak out an introvert, block the exits) Unless I manufacture a reason to feel included, I leave. You might notice someone like me, who always tries to jump into conversations and knows a little bit about everything, but disappears quickly. Once I can no longer add to the group, I subtract myself from the equation.

How to Get a Girl to Fall in Love With You According to The Bachelorette

Tweet

by Kyle (bio)

I saw this blog post, Letter to my daughter after watching 'The Bachelor', making the rounds a few weeks ago. A friend sent it to me saying that they could see me writing this to my daughter. And of course, I totally would. But someone else has already done the hard work so I'll just show it to her instead.

If you are unaware of The Bachelor/Bachelorette phenomenon, here's the quick version: A group of guys/girls all get together in a large house to compete to fall in love with a single guy/girl. As the show progresses, the guy/girl searching for love on TV eliminates contestants, whittling down the group until there are only two remaining and they must then choose who they want to marry. Awesome, right?

Now I totally agree with everything that is said in the post about The Bachelor, and there are some seriously wrong messages that this show is teaching to both boys and girls. However, I think there are some valuable lessons that any guy can be learn by watching the show. And believe me when I say this: I watch The Bachelorette so you don't have to.

So, after my extensive "research" into this subject, I give you: How to Get a Girl to Fall in Love With You According to The Bachelorette.

Bro Tip #1: V-necks

These are a must. It is clear from watching the bros on the current season of The Bachelorette, that a v-neck is a necessity to any bro's wardrobe. The best part is, you can never own too many v-necks. And you know how some women can be concerned that they might show up to a party ... err ... an FHE, and hope she isn't wearing the same dress or blouse as another woman? Well, while this may not be as big of a concern for a lot of guys, you DEFINITELY don't have to worry about it when it comes to v-necks.

Taking a Jewish Page from The Book of Mormon

Tweet

by Bradly Baird (bio)

I am an avid reader of two publications that cover Jewish life in America, Tablet Magazine and The Jewish Daily Forward. Both cover a broad range of topics, including politics, arts, and religious life and offer a terrific variety of opinions. Not surprisingly, these publications almost never mention anything to do with the LDS Church; but, imagine my surprise when I came across an article from April 14, 2013 entitled: Taking a Jewish Page From the Book of Mormon on Interfaith Marriage. 

The piece was written by Naomi Schaefer Riley and discusses faith, marriage, and interfaith marriage amongst members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and members of the Jewish community in the United States. I wanted to share the entire article on this blog, but it is quite long and so I have presented the most important points for your reading pleasure. Click here to read the entire article.

"Jews are America's most intermarrying people and Mormons its least. According to the 2001 American Religious Identification Survey, 27% of Jews were married to someone of a different faith, compared with 12% of Mormons."

"When it comes to marriage, the most striking demographic difference between Jews and Mormons is the age at which they get married. The average age of a first marriage for Mormons is, according to my study, 23, and for Jews it's 27. If we look at data taken from the 2006 General Social Survey (the last time researchers asked the question about age at first marriage), Jews married at 25.8 and Mormons at 22.6."

"The [Mormon] church elders realize that marriage and family are crucial to involvement in the faith, and so they try as soon as possible to get their members married and settled into a particular community. The church does not want members to experience those "odyssey years" when "emerging adults" tend to drift in and out of relationships and in and out of religious institutions. That is when you start to lose them."

The Fiber of Service

Tweet

by Casey Peterson (bio)

Photo via UggBoy♥UggGirl.

Last week was a monumental marker in my parental progression. My oldest son went on his first date (first one he asked a girl on, I'm not counting the girls choice dance before). As planning started we were going to host him and three of his friends, along with their dates. A small group of eight would fit nicely in our front room, we could use the nice china dishes, and decorating would be simple. Gradually however, the group grew and grew. Suddenly transportation, food preparation, decorations, pictures, and a large enough venue started to become concerns. Basketball games evolved into mother planning times, hundreds of texts were sent between parents, and I had to show up three hours before the dinner just to set up and decorate. It had become a major event!

Arrival time quickly came, and my younger son was dressed in his nicest suit and stationed at the front doors to greet the young couples. My two youngest daughters were in their best dresses to serve the food, refill glasses, and clear plates. My wife was working with the other mothers to fill plates, prepare food, and keep things running. And I somehow found myself at the sink with my older daughter at my side helping me.

I never do love doing dishes, I don't like seeing wasted food, I don't like how it makes my hands feel, and I don't like how my back aches from bending over the sink. As the endless stream of different sized plates, the plethora of forks, and the lipstick smeared goblets began to bury me, I paused to stop and look around. I realized my son was more worried about conversation topics, using the right manners, and avoiding embarrassing moments. He probably didn't realize the army of people in the kitchen helping the dinner to go off smoothly. But when I saw my entire family busy and engaged in helping him behind the scenes, I was profoundly moved. Gone were the questions of "whose turn is it, didn't I just do this, or how do I get out of this?" For a brief moment, each member of my family was working their hardest in a completely happy and selfless way as part of a unified effort of service.

Marion G. Romney said that "Service is not something we endure on this earth so we can earn the right to live in the celestial kingdom. Service is the very fiber of which an exalted life in the celestial kingdom is made." Though we were enduring mundane tasks, serving together created a beautiful tapestry of love and laughter. I reflected back on shoveling snow for a neighbor, weeding a widow's garden, or other seemingly random acts placed in the path of our family to enjoy together a glimpse of eternity. Certainly this glimpse was also given to remind me to serve more as a family and enjoy more of these glimpses of greatness.

My Wedding Anniversary

Tweet

by Bradly Baird (bio)

After nearly twenty years of marriage, celebrating the anniversary of that event can become a challenge; mainly because so many expectations and emotions are tied up in whether the celebration truly honors the level of feeling that one has for a spouse after so much time. As our anniversary loomed large this year, my wife and I had no clue how we would celebrate. We only knew that the traditional romantic evening or weekend getaway wasn't going to cut it.

So, we rented a canyon.

Specifically, we rented Pah Tempe Hot Springs in the little town of Hurricane (right there by Zion National Park). For less than one hundred dollars, we had a private canyon, seven hot spring pools, two caves, a waterfall, and a great big chunk of the Virgin River all to ourselves for an entire morning. We swam, relaxed, talked, meditated, floated in bubbles, stared at the sky, took pictures, and "celebrated."

It was magical and I would rank this anniversary morning as one of the top one hundred moments of our marriage. Check it out!

Guest Post: One Reader's Memorable Valentine's Day

Tweet

It doesn’t matter if you’re man or woman, gay or straight, dark- or light-skinned. All can equally submit guest posts to Modern Mormon Men. Write something now and submit via email.

A second-generation Mormon, Sally Ashmore grew up in the mission field of Wisconsin and earned a B.A. in English from a small Catholic school in Iowa you've probably never heard of. She currently resides among other YSA's near historic Winter Quarters (Omaha), where she forces life to be interesting. Don't miss Sally's first guest post about Gladys Knight and her SUV Choir.

Valentine's Day fell on a Sunday in 2010, and it was, by far, the most memorable of the twenty-seven I've been around for.

The week before, on February 7th, I had been approached by a bishopric member and asked to give a talk the next week in Sacrament meeting. He had meant to ask me the week before, but I had been out of town. I accepted, knowing that I needed all the blessings I could collect to make up for the engine in my car going to that deluxe garage up in the sky. Unfortunately, he had left the paper with the topic and references in the bishop's office and would have to get it after the meeting.

After the meeting, he handed me the paper, and I don't recall seeing him again when I looked up from it. The assignment was a 15-20 minute talk on Preparing for Temple Marriage. Did he forget this was a Single's Ward? Did he forget next Sunday was Valentine's Day? Did I really just agree to give a 15-20 minute talk on Preparing for Temple Marriage to a Single's Ward on Valentine's Day?!

"Well, too late to back down, now," I thought as I located my sister and our ride home. I spent the entire ride kicking myself for not having taken better notes the week before, when I visited a ward in which a bachelor in his mid-30's had been assigned to speak on Celestial Marriage. I spent as much time as I could preparing during the week, since I knew my entire Saturday was devoted to playing Vanna to the magical Pat Sajak putting a rebuilt engine into my car. I even sacrificed a day's pay so I could work on my talk that Friday.

Valentine's Day finally arrived. After racking my nerves for a good amount of time (I planned an approximately one minute intro, seven minutes on preparing for the temple, a one minute transition, seven minutes on preparing for marriage, and a one minute conclusion), I sat down and let relief flood over me during the musical number. Having accomplished that task, I sat as tall as my five-foot frame allowed me to and thought, "If I can give a 15-20 minute talk on Preparing for Temple Marriage … to the Single's Ward … on Valentine's Day, I can do anything."

Then the anchor speaker went to the pulpit and announced his assigned topic: Chastity.

That may have been the first (although it certainly hasn't been the last) time I was grateful for my assignment. As bad as it was, it could have been that. In fact, I almost felt guilty for having felt relieved earlier. However, I don't know that our ward has ever been more unified than it was at that moment as we all gave a sympathetic cringe for our brother at the pulpit. In that one moment, every one of us felt the same truth in our heart: we did not want to be him.

MMM Library: This Is Not a Post About Swinging

Tweet

by Aimee (bio)

This post was originally published on May 12, 2011.

Before I got married, I didn’t realize how complicated finding married friends would be as a couple.

The ladies need to like each other.
The men need to like each other.
I need to like the guy of the couple.
My husband needs to like the girl.
And the same goes for them.
They both need to like both of us back.
The same rules apply for our same-sex couple friends too. 

Once married, you think you have been released from the dating world, but little do you know that you have merely graduated into a whole new world of dating.

Couple Dating.

(And you thought dating alone was hard?)

Finding successful couple friends is an art form. Everyone needs to genuinely like each other in order for it to be a successful couple friendship that will last a lifetime…the kind of friendship where you get choked up at their children's weddings.

"How did the kids grow up so fast?" {tear}

This may seem like it would be easy to find, but in the real world, couple dating is a complicated, delicate, relational, and highly important marital matter.

Pros and Cons of Marriage

Tweet

by Seattle Jon (bio)

This list of pros and cons regarding marriage, written by Charles Darwin and available online in the Darwin Correspondence Project, speaks to the timeless cultural tension between family and career, love and work, heart and head.

Marry: Children – (if it Please God) – Constant companion, (& friend in old age) who will feel interested in one, – object to be beloved & played with. – better than a dog anyhow. – Home, & someone to take care of house – Charms of music & female chit-chat. – These things good for one's health. – but terrible loss of time. My God, it is intolerable to think of spending ones whole life, like a neuter bee, working, working, & nothing after all. – No, no won't do. – Imagine living all one's day solitarily in smoky dirty London House. – Only picture to yourself a nice soft wife on a sofa with good fire, & books & music perhaps – Compare this vision with the dingy reality of Grt. Marlbro' St.

Not Marry: Freedom to go where one liked – choice of Society & little of it. – Conversation of clever men at clubs – Not forced to visit relatives, & to bend in every trifle. – to have the expense & anxiety of children – perhaps quarelling – Loss of time. – cannot read in the Evenings – fatness & idleness – Anxiety & responsibility – less money for books &c – if many children forced to gain one's bread. – (But then it is very bad for ones health to work too much) Perhaps my wife wont like London; then the sentence is banishment & degradation into indolent, idle fool –

He then produces his conclusion: Marry. I think the nice soft wife who is better than a dog must have swayed him.

A Semi-Cromulent Blog Post

Tweet

by Ben Johnson (bio)

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Give me a beer........................ and some peanuts.” The bartender says, “OK, but why the big pause (paws)?”

This is the joke my wife, Katti, told me the other night just before family prayer. Of course, I couldn’t pray because I was laughing too hard. Good heavens, I love that woman.

On Friday my wife and I celebrated our tenth anniversary. This has me in a reflective mood. Has it really been ten years? Where has the time gone? As I’ve thought about our decade-long (!?) marriage I’ve tried to figure out what makes it so great. Here’s what I’ve come up with: humor. You know the old saying about the family that MST3Ks together stays together? That’s us.

I can’t think of a day that has gone by in the past ten years where we haven’t laughed our faces off. The funny thing is (pun intended) we didn’t decide that humor would be a cornerstone of our marriage. It just happened that way. Over the years, life, TV, movies, jobs, church, etc. have given us vast stores of inside jokes that we have incorporated into our daily conversations. We can’t even remember where half the stuff we say comes from, but it’s still funny.

Without a doubt one of my favorite sources of humor from over the years is our tradition of writing notes/letters to one another, specifically the pictures we include in the letters. We decided that any time one of us writes a letter to the other we have to draw a picture to go with it. I can tell you that this has been, not only very funny, but very rewarding.

I hope this isn’t the blogging equivalent of a vacation slideshow but I would love to share some of the pictures with you. I’ll show the picture first and then give the background after so it won’t be too ‘inside baseball.’

Here we go, in no particular order (except the first one).

Background: This is the first picture Katti ever drew for me. Technically it was before we were married but I’m including it for sentimental reasons. Back when I was in the singles’ ward I got suckered into planning the activity for Family Home Evening. Since it was close to Valentine’s Day I decided to buy a bunch of cards and candy so the group could make Valentines for whoever they wanted.

Being the thoughtful genius that she is, and knowing that I liked (old) Simpsons, Katti made the card for me. Unlike Ralph, I ended up getting the girl.

Background: About a year ago I had to teach a lesson in Elder’s Quorum. I’m one of the worst teachers in the history of mankind and I was foolish enough to think a centerpiece would help my lesson. It didn’t. This picture Katti drew made me feel better though.

MMM Quotes 10: How Love Rewires the Brain

Tweet

by Seattle Jon (bio)

photo via flickr (marie-II) 

"In a relationship, one mind revises the other; one heart changes its partner. This astounding legacy of our combined status as mammals and neural beings is limbic revision: the power to remodel the emotional parts of the people we love, as our Attractors [coteries of ingrained information patterns] activate certain limbic pathways, and the brain’s inexorable memory mechanism reinforces them.

Who we are and who we become depends, in part, on whom we love." - A General Theory of Love by Lewis, Amini and Lannon

Read more about A General Theory of Love, as well as four other books that tackle the psychology of love, at Brain Pickings.

Guest Post: Getting a Little Passionate This Morning With the Comment Section

Tweet

Have something to say? Anyone can submit a guest post to Modern Mormon Men. Send us an email with your post, a post title and a paragraph of introduction (on yourself).

Lauren Johnson received her degree in journalism from the University of Utah and served a Mormon mission in Cleveland, Ohio. A laid-off television reporter, she currently resides in Salt Lake City. Lauren is an avid blogger - you can find her at laurenruthie.blogspot.com. She’s also a tweeter @laurenruthie. Read her first MMM guest post here.

Each morning, it's the same. I wake up, roll over, drink my cup of water sitting on my bedside table placed there the night before, and then grab my phone and read the news. Deseret News, Salt Lake Tribune, Google News, and CNN are my basic morning go-to's.

Before I go further, last night was a more difficult night. I laid in bed and worried about my future. Uncertainty weighed on me. I think I can say I was genuinely frightened. Fear is a very real feeling--one to be dealt with--but, I believe, unnecessary in achieving anything that one wants in life. Fear is the opposite of faith. That sums it up. And although I understand this, sometimes fear creeps up on me and I have to face it. I don't try to run away from my fear, because it will always catch me. Instead, I embrace it. I hold it close, as if it were a child with nowhere to go, and I try to understand and listen to what it has to say. I repeat back to my fear what it tells me, to make sure I understand. I have a conversation with my fear. Yesterday, I felt the fear of giving up what I thought was my dream career in reporting. I felt the fear of not having a job I loved, and not making enough money to support myself or those I love. And then I felt the fear and "what ifs" of marriage and love. What if I never got married? What if I didn't become a mother? There were a few tears, but after talking it out I felt a bit better--safer--and I fell asleep.

Back to this morning: I woke up. I drank my water. I grabbed my phone and started reading. The first headline that caught my eye was from Deseret News: Number of Older Women Having Babies Continues to Grow.

I read the article with happiness. I could tell my fear had snuck off while I slept. It seemed I had given my fear enough comfort and enough listening and love, that he was good to skip off and do his own thing for a while, rather than keep tormenting me.

The article definitely described the negatives of later motherhood. Things fear and I have talked about before--energy and health, fertility, generational gaps. But it also talked about the benefits that made me so happy--that children with older parents have higher IQ's, better vocabularies, better opportunities and security, and that parents of older children often live longer. The thing that made me the most happy was realizing that it was NORMAL. I knew this. Of course I knew this! Gosh, I only know thousands of ladies and gentlemen just like me in the Salt Lake Valley alone. Older parenting is the new NORMAL. I am not alone.

Then I went to the comment section.

Guest Post: New Rings

Tweet

Have something to say? Anyone can submit a guest post to Modern Mormon Men. Just send us an email with your post, a post title and a paragraph of introduction (on yourself).

Steven is an average guy trying to make sense of himself, his above-average wife and children. He enjoys all things out-of-doors so he can legitimately claim he's trying to think "out of the box." Check out Steven's first short story, Negotiated Love.

Grace stared at the untanned circle on her ring finger a few moments. She had worn her gold band with the third carrot diamond for 35 years when her husband Paul died suddenly. She continued wearing it afterward, even after she met Charlie, even after they had dated and discussed marriage. Charlie wore his, too. Sometimes, when they went through the temple, strangers would assume they were married to one another. And now, sitting in the temple in the bride's waiting room, she had a phantom feeling where the ring used to sit. What do couples do with wedding rings from first marriages? Do they keep them? Do they put them away, give them to children or grandchildren? Where do you store 35 years worth of intimate memories with another person? Rings on hands that had held babies, dug gardens, sliced onions, given blessings. Hands that had explored every inch of skin we call a temple. Both Grace and Charlie felt awkward about using their old wedding rings for a new marriage. Finally, they had settled on an idea. A new marriage would mean a fresh start, but they both felt they brought along memories of their past marriages. So, they decided to turn something old into something new. They agreed to go to a jeweler, and using the original rings, come up with new rings. The gold would be melted, the diamond reset. The day before they met with the jeweler, Grace cried. And cried. And cried. Charlie did, too. He had been married about 37 years when his wife died. He had rarely been without his ring, wearing it always as a token of his love and commitment. When they went to the jeweler, they both felt true excitement at the designs and ideas offered by the jeweler. By the end of the meeting, both enthusiastically took off their rings and handed them over. Then, after an early dinner, Charlie dropped Grace off at her house. And both went home and cried and cried and cried.