Saintspeak 25: The Letter T

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by Seattle Jon:

Another installment from Saintspeak, the mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.

Telestial Kingdom  1. The only place in the hereafter where no one will be surprised to see anyone except himself. 2. The only place in the hereafter where you won't have to make a bunch of new friends. 3. The only place in the hereafter where there will be enough Mormons to hold a really good softball tournament.

Temple Recommend  The Church's equivalent of a good credit report.

Temple Square  The place where tourists who thought they were getting away from it all discover they're just getting into it.

Terrestrial Kingdom The eternal dwelling place of those who did everything they were told without once wondering why.

Testimony  An attempt to explain in words what words cannot explain, to people who cannot understand you unless they already know.

Thou  The second person singular pronoun in English. If you occasionally use the second person singular correctly in your prayers, people in the ward will think you made a mistake. If you use it often, they'll think you're a bit odd. If you use it elegantly and consistently, they'll think you're a self-righteous prig.

Tithing  The celestial kingdom annual activity fee.

Tracting  What missionaries do whenever they can't find any members to visit.

Translated Correctly  What the Bible wasn't wherever it refutes my argument.

Trunky  The normal state of a Mormon missionary.

Truth  What the Saints will have all of, as soon as it clears Correlation.

Two Years Supply  If half the Church would get a two-years' supply instead of one, the rest of us could ignore the whole thing and the Church would be, on the average, obedient.


Seattle Jon is a family man, little league coach, urban farmer and businessman living in Seattle. He currently gets up early with the markets to trade bonds for a living. In his spare time he enjoys movies, thrifting and is an avid reader. He is a graduate of Brigham Young University and the Japan Fukuoka mission field. He has one wife, four kids and three chickens.
Image credit: Signature Books (used with permission).

Saintspeak 24: The Letter S, Part 3

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by Seattle Jon:

Another installment from Saintspeak, the mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.

Spirit Prison  Where the missionaries will finally get to visit all the people who never answered their doors.

Set Apart  The point of no return: Once you're set apart, you can't turn down the calling.

Stake  An organization with no congregation. Half the people in your ward that you think are inactive or dead just have stake callings.

Stake Conference  The famous Mormon Mother Survival Test, in which participants are required to tend at least three children for two whole hours, struggling to keep them quiet on metal chairs in a room with an incredibly loud echo. There is no requirement that mothers be sane afterward, or even ambulatory. They only have to have a pulse and still be able to find the Cheerios bag within five minutes upon request.

Stake House  The old term for a stake center. It was changed because too many nonmembers were getting the wrong idea about what Mormons did on Sunday, for what they heard was: "Oh, I've just been over to the steak house."

Saintspeak 23: The Letter S, Part 2

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by Seattle Jon:

Another installment from Saintspeak, the mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.

Service Project  The festive springtime ritual in which teenage Mormon boys and girls descend upon the home of a defenseless widow, trample her garden, break down her fence, and gouge chunks out of her lawn, all in order to paint large sections of the walls and windows of her house a color that she doesn't like.

Set Apart  The point of no return: Once you're set apart, you can't turn down the calling.

Shake the Dust of Your Feet  What missionaries do in order to trigger the destruction of towns, homes, and dry cleaning establishments that offend them.

Signify By the Usual Sign  Mormons communicate many things with special physical signs of great significance. For instance, closed eyes and a nodding head signify, "My, what an interesting talk!" An upraised right hand signifies, "Thank heaven I didn't get called to do that." And picking up a screaming child and carrying him or her out of a meeting signifies, "The auction is beginning. What am I bid for this child?"

Sister  The Mormon equivalent of Ms. It is used equally to refer to married and unmarried women. While Brother is used to refer only to those male Mormons who do not hold high positions, Sister can be used to refer to any adult Mormon woman from the general president of the Relief Society to the humblest ward member; whether this is because women are more democratic or because no woman is regarded as having genuinely high status in the Church I dare not guess.

Saintspeak 22: The Letter S, Part 1

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by Seattle Jon:

Another installment from Saintspeak, the mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.

Sacrament The ordinance in which the child at the beginning of the row touches all the bread with his slobbery hands before finally taking a piece, the person who hands you the water tray tips it so it spills allover your lap, and the child in front of you keeps making a popping noise with her plastic cup throughout the rest of the meeting. People who can keep their thoughts holy during all that are invariably translated before the end of the meeting.

Salt Lake City The center of the world.

Salvation Resurrection from the dead. Mormons regard it as a pretty ordinary gift, since it is automatically granted to everyone who ever lived, even Democrats.

Savage Misogynist To a Mormon feminist, this is an all-purpose term of abuse which can be applied to men whose sins range from thinking it is better to wait to give women the priesthood until after God has given his OK, to thinking that women should get the priesthood right after men are given the power to have babies and suckle their young.

Savages What Mormon pioneers called Lamanites who didn't cooperate.

Saintspeak 21: The Letters Q & R

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by Seattle Jon:

Another installment from Saintspeak, the mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.

Quorum A group of men or boys who compete to see who can go the longest without volunteering to do anything.

Radical Before the presidency of Heber J. Grant, what all Mormons were perceived by nonmembers to be. After all, they practiced polygamy, despised capitalism, insisted on equal rights for women under the law, and believed that the government had no right to interfere with people's private sexual practices.

Reactivate To make life so miserable for an inactive Mormon that to escape your constant visits and unbearable cheerfulness, he begins to come to church again.

Rebellious Spirit What tempts some Mormons to think before doing what they're told.

Reliefsocietese The dialect of sweetness. The language is spoken in its most refined form by persons who are, have been, or want to be in a Relief Society presidency, but it is also spoken by parents of children who are misbehaving in church, any speaker who is talking to Mormon teenagers, and anyone who doesn't like you but has to work with you anyway. It can only be spoken while smiling, and only positive things can be said. Thus the English sentence, "You really botched the assignment," would be translated into Reliefsocietese as, "You're just such a choice individual, and I'm so very prOUd of you for doing the best you could. And I just know that next time you'll do even better," and the English sentence, "Will you please be quiet so we can get back to the lesson?" is rendered in Reliefsocietese as, "We're all so very grateful for your special ideas, and we'll just for sure plan a special day really soon when we'll have a chance to hear all about them." While it takes years of practice to become fluent in this dialect you can fake it right from the start by imitating the expression of rapture found in Renaissance madonna paintings and saying special, choice, just, or so very at least once in every sentence.

Saintspeak 20: The Letter P

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by Seattle Jon:

Another installment from Saintspeak, the mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.

Paradisical A word that Mormons pronounce a hundred different ways, none of them correct. Just remember the phrase "part of a bicycle" and at least you'll have the rhythm right.

Patriarchal Blessing 1. A private scripture given to young members of the Church so that when they're old they can see whether they were righteous enough for the promises to be fulfilled. 2. The source of the best rumors and folk doctrines in the Church. Rumor had it that Harold B. Lee's patriarchal blessing promised that he would be president of the Church at the Second Coming; it is also rumored that the two prophets who will rise from the dead in jerusalem have already been told who they are in their patriarchal blessings. Everyone in the Church knows someone who knows someone who was told in a patriarchal blessing that they chose their parents in the preexistence.

Patriarchal Order 1. The principle of plural marriage. 2. The only true family pattern, in which the husband and father commands, and his wife and children rnust obey without question, even if the "patriarch" hasn't the foggiest notion of what he's doing. This is necessary because the process of arriving at consensus depends on the heretical notion that two opposing ideas can both have merit at the same time.

Polygamy The family system in which a lustful man surrounds himself with ever younger wives so that none of the older wives ever dares to get too uppity.

Personal Prayer An almost sure home remedy for insomnia.

Saintspeak 19: The Letter O

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by Seattle Jon:

Another installment from Saintspeak, the mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.

Oil Normal Saints keep a small bottle of consecrated oil in the medicine cabinet at home. Fervent believers carry one with them always, just in case a miracle is needed. Fanatics use theirs so often they keep running out, and then ask you if they can borrow some of yours. When you admit you don't carry any with you, they look at you with such disappointment that you feel like turning in your temple recommend.

One-Third of the Hosts of Heaven All the spirits in the preexistence who didn't have the guts to try to make it back to heaven without someone forcing them to be righteous. Bishops whose ward members can't seem to get anything done without constant supervision should console themselves that Satan has to work with followers who have even less initiative.

Only True A synonym for my. For example: The only true church = my church. The only true ward = my ward. The only true way of picking cherries on the welfare farm = my way.

Organist During boring parts in sacrament meeting, it is the organists duty to "accidentally" lean on the keyboard or step on a pedal. The startled congregation usually can't get back to sleep for ten or fifteen minutes.

Orthodox Mormon A Latter-day Saint who has twelve children, a garden, a years supply of food and supplies, every book with a General Authorities name on the cover, and a subscription to the Ensign, New Era, and Friend. The orthodox Mormon man has no debts, his wife does not work outside the home, and his house and yard are cleaned up and fixed up. The orthodox Mormon woman has clean, obedient children, a house full of artifacts made on homemaking day, and a perfectly satisfied husband. There is no Mormon product that the orthodox Mormon will not buy, no acquaintance who has not heard about the gospel, and no doctrine or story told in a Church meeting that he or she does not believe. Orthodox Mormons would give up anything, including life itself, for the gospel; and being utterly teachable and meek, they will inherit the earth.

Osmondize To give something such a slick, polished surface appearance that no one will notice there isn't any substance underneath.


Seattle Jon is a family man, little league coach, urban farmer and businessman living in Seattle. He currently gets up early with the markets to trade bonds for a living. In his spare time he enjoys movies, thrifting and is an avid reader. He is a graduate of Brigham Young University and the Japan Fukuoka mission field. He has one wife, four kids and five chickens.
 Image credit: Signature Books (used with permission).

Saintspeak 18: The Letter N

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by Seattle Jon (bio)

Another installment from Saintspeak, the mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.

Nephite A white and delightsome person who always gets rich whenever he is righteous, and always gets proud and wicked whenever he gets rich, and always has some disaster befall him whenever he gets proud and wicked, and always repents and gets righteous whenever a disaster befalls him. Fortunately, while Mormons today always get rich when they are righteous, they never get proud and wicked when they are rich. Therefore they are safe from disasters.

New Jerusalem A vast new city that will be built before the Second Coming. Prophecies have it that the Lamanites will actually build the city. They'll have to. The rest of the Saints will be too busy selling real estate, maternity insurance, and recorded talks by General Authorities.

The New Era The official Church magazine for Mormon teenagers, from which young Saints learn that if they are righteous they will always be happy and never have a bad case of acne.

Noah A man who found out that you should plan for everything in your year's supply.

No amount of success in the home ... can compensate for failure to win the MegaCorp account.

Non-Mormons People that you're supposed to convert to the gospel, but in the meantime don't let their children go out with yours.

Saintspeak 17: The Letter M (Part 2)

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by Seattle Jon (bio)

Another installment from Saintspeak, the mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.

Mob A group of people whipped into such a frenzy by evil leaders that they are incapable of reason or empathy in their urge to destroy an innocent victim. Not to be confused with groups of concerned citizens who are so inspired in righteous indignation by defenders of morality that they have no further need of discussion or delay in their crusade to destroy the forces of sin.

Mormons People who believe: 1. That a small family is one with only four children. 2. That if they ever get in real trouble, one of the Three Nephites will help them out. 3. That the only difference between them and God is a few years of training.

Mother in Heaven The mother of our spirits, who after years of anonymity has developed something of a fan club among believers in the ERA.

Mother in Zion The position a Mormon woman is given as a reward for good behavior in her teens. As a mother in Zion she has the privilege of changing thousands of diapers, drying gallons of tears, spraying Bactine on hundreds of scrapes, washing millions of dishes, and reading The Little Engine That Could out loud until she can recite it backward. All she has to do to remain in this enviable office is keep herself lovely, youthful, and enthusiastic enough that her husband stays interested in her.

Mountain Meadows Massacre An unfortunate incident in which John D. Lee, a master of disguise, dressed up as dozens of Indians and single-handedly wiped out all the men, women, and children in a wagon train of Missourians passing through southern Utah.

Mouth When a group of priesthood holders take part in the laying on of hands, only one of them, called the "mouth," speaks for all. Those who have had their necks nearly broken by the weight of twenty-eight hands on their head have wished for many mouths and only one hand.

Saintspeak 16: The Letter M (Part 1)

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by Seattle Jon (bio)

Another installment from Saintspeak, the mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.

Magnify Your Calling To do what needs to be done without waiting to be commanded. Not to be confused with going off half-cocked. You can easily tell the difference: if it worked, you magnified your calling; if it didn't you went off half-cocked.

Mahonri Moriancumr If that were your name, you'd go by "the brother of Jared," too.

Many Are Called, But Few Are Chosen The words Mormons use to console themselves when they are stuck with cleaning up after the quorum party alone, even though six other people promised to help.

Millenium A thousand years of genealogy, temple work, proselytizing, and filling out reports, a prospect that can make wickedness and destruction look downright enticing.

Missionary A saint who has put on the whole armor of God, even though it's heavy, out of style, and 3 sizes too big.

Missionspeak A pidgin English built around the root word 'flip' and employing snatches of dozens of other languages. While the origins of words in Missionspeak are easy to trace, long conversations remain untranslatable even by the most accomplished linguists. Missionspeak seems to be a whole new turn in the history of language: an idiom that is used to convey raw emotion without communicating anything that could be called "meaning."

Saintspeak 15: Liberal Mormon

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by Seattle Jon (bio)

Another installment from Saintspeak, the mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.

Liberal Mormon (see also Conservative Mormon)

1. As perceived by a Conservative Mormon: a Mormon who wants to pervert the gospel to fit the doctrines of men instead of waiting for the Brethren to receive revelations. Liberals talk about being guided by the Spirit but usually find that the Spirit is telling them to espouse currently fashionable American liberal causes and ideas.

2. As perceived by another liberal Mormon: a Mormon who believes that the Lord won't give you any answers unless you ask him intelligent questions. Liberals believe that a Saint should be sensitive enough to recognize truth and humble enough to accept it whether it comes from the Brethren or Boethius, Newton or Nietzsche.

Saintspeak 14: The Letter L

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by Seattle Jon (bio)

Another installment from Saintspeak, the mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.

Lady Missionary Until recent years, disobedient women who weren't married by age twenty-one were permitted to go on missions as a sort of penance. Now, however, many parents encourage their daughters to go on missions before they marry, out of the strange belief that if a period of total dedication to the service of the Lord is good for boys, it will also be good for girls. Elders usually hate to have lady missionaries in their districts because they are distracting, they need special treatment, and they work so hard it makes the boys look bad by contrast.

Last Days The terrible time when Mormons will actually have to eat all that wheat and honey and powdered milk they've been storing all these years.

Laurels What no one in the Church is permitted to rest on.

Laying on of Hands What missionaries are not allowed to do with members of the opposite sex.

Lineage of Cain What black people USED to have that kept them from being able to hold the priesthood or get married in the temple.

 Loud Laughter Something to be avoided except when a General Authority makes a joke during a talk.

Saintspeak 13: The Letter K

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by Seattle Jon (bio)

Another installment from Saintspeak, the mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.

Keys Something that only prophets, apostles, and meetinghouse custodians are permitted to have.

Kimball, J. Golden A legendary General Authority whose irreverence and profanity were a constant delight to the Saints and a constant embarrassment to the Brethren. The Saints loved him because he didn't seem to be pretending to be something he wasn't; the Brethren were annoyed at him because they didn't understand the words.

Kingdom, The In the old days, the Saints thought the kingdom of God would fill the whole world through their sacrifice, hard work, cooperation, charity, and righteousness. That didn't work, so now we're just going to buy all the land.

Knowledge The ultimate level of certainty, much stronger than faith, It means that you have had faith in something so long that you can't remember even thinking about it and you certainly don't intend to start now.

Kolob The star or planet "nigh unto the throne of God." Also an investment company, a pharmacy, a petroleum firm, a real estate office, and an insurance agency.

Saintspeak 12: The Letter J

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by Seattle Jon (bio)

Another installment from Saintspeak, the mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.

Jackson County The former location of the Garden of Eden. Now it's part of the Kansas City metropolitan area. If Adam had just held on a little longer, his property would have been worth millions.

Jay-Dubs The Saints' oddly affectionate name for Jehovah's Witnesses, the other 19th-century American religion that matches our missionary zeal throughout the world. It is the secret dream and dread of every Mormon missionary to meet a jay-dub head on in open battle - much like the feelings of the average knight toward a dragon. It would be nice to slay one but even nicer never to meet one.

Journal Every Latter-day Saint keeps a journal. In the average journal, the first entry is three pages long, the second is one paragraph, the third is a single line, and the fourth was never written.

Journal of Discourses A mammoth collection of speeches by General Authorities in the 19th-century, containing many doctrines that were never taught by the Church. As a safety measure, it was once suppressed by the Church, for several once-bright people had gone mad trying to make all the old-time apostles' statements fit within the same gospel. Today, however, there is no fear of ill effects from publishing the Journal of Discourses, for only fundamentalists, anti-Mormons, and historians ever read it.

Saintspeak 11: The Letter I

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by Seattle Jon (bio)

Another installment from Saintspeak, the mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.

Inheritance A permanent stewardship. For instance, the inheritance of the meek is the earth. Mineral and water rights, however, will be retained by a church holding company named Bonneville or Deseret or Zion's.

Inspired Version The popular name for an edition of the Bible that includes sections of Joseph Smith's inspired revisions of the Bible and Joseph Smith's marginal annotations. In doctrinal arguments, always remember that if you can't find a certain doctrine in the Bible, you can always claim you read it in the inspired version.

Instructor In a priesthood quorum, the referee.

Investigator Someone who suspects there are exciting, powerful truths in the gospel somewhere, despite the missionaries' best efforts to stick to the discussions.

Iron rod In Lehi's vision, the figure for the word of God. In the fog of ignorance and error, the iron rod leads straight to the tree of life. Of course, the iron rod also leads directly away from the tree, depending on which way you follow it.

Saintspeak 10: The Letter H

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by Seattle Jon (bio)

Another installment from Saintspeak, the mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.

Happy Valley Utah Valley. Protected from the world by a ring of mountains, blessed with fertile soil, with well over 90 percent of the population Mormon and Brigham Young University the valley's largest business by far, the place is indistinguishable from the city of Enoch. If it weren't for a few humanists, cynics, and Democrats, it would have been translated years ago.

Harmony What Latter-day Saints used to believe they ought to be in with their leaders, their families, and their fellow Saints. In recent years, enlightened Saints have come to reject the idea of harmony, in which many different melodies work together to create music, and instead understand that the Lord prefers plainsong, in which all the voices endlessly sing in unison.

History A collection of faith-promoting stories about dead people, whether the events actually happened or not.

Homemaking The art of removing all evidence that anyone lives in your house.

Hope A level of certainty that is stronger than suspicion and weaker than belief. It means you are in doubt but you want it to be true.

Hot drinks To normal Latter-day Saints, tea and coffee; to fervent believers, everything containing caffeine, including ice-cold colas; to fanatics, everything that contains caffeine and every drink that is served hot.

Humility A precious liquid that many Mormons carry with them; strangely, no matter what container it is in, it is always deep, never shallow.

Saintspeak 9: The Letter G

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by Seattle Jon (bio)

Another installment from Saintspeak, the mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.

G.A. 1. Abbreviation for General Authority: "Do we have a G.A. at stake conference?" 2. Nickname used by missionaries for the Catholic Church: "The reason we don't baptize much here is because everybody belong to the G.A." (great and abominable church)

Gathering The practice of separating the Saints from the world by bringing them to live together at one place where they can build a perfect society that will be an example of godliness to everyone, as was done in Jackson County, Missouri; Nauvoo, Illinois; and Provo, Utah. Nowadays the Saints are told not to gather anymore, except at BYU during football season.

Genealogy The study of your ancestry in order to link up with someone famous in the Church, or, failing that, to link up with an active family that already has your genealogy done for you.

Glory of God Is Intelligence In their humility, Mormons generally avoid seeking after glory.

Golden Question "What do you know about the Mormon Church? Would you like to know more?" A question Mormons regularly ask non-members, but rarely think to ask themselves.

Greenie A missionary so new in the mission field that he still believes his district leader is always inspired, people are eager to hear the gospel, and his girlfriend will wait for him.

Saintspeak 8: The Letter F

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by Seattle Jon (bio)


Another installment from Saintspeak, the mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.

Faith-Promoting Story Any story that makes you feel glad you're a mormon, even if you can't bring yourself to believe it.

Family is Forever What it feels like on the fourth day of vacation.

Farewell A sacrament meeting in which a newly called missionary proves that you don't have to know anything about the gospel in order to preach - you just have to know it's true.

Fast Day The first Sunday of the month, when normal mormons skip breakfast and eat one huge meal right after church. Fervent believers also skip dinner the night before, while fanatics don't drink any water, brush their teeth, chew gum, or bathe for twenty-four hours.

Fast Offering A donation in which mormons give to the poor the price of the two meals they skipped on fast day. The size of the average donation should make the poor very grateful they don't have to live on such a tiny food budget.

Folk Doctrine Doctrines that grow up out of rumors and wishful thinking. For example, it is a common folk doctrine that in the pre-existence, children chose the parents they'd be born to. This idea is harmless as an expression of affection in happy homes, but it leads to the logical conclusion that the children of child-abusers quite literally asked for all the suffering they get.

Friend The official church publication for children. Because children are a far more discerning and demanding audience than adults, The Friend regularly contains the best writing and artwork published by the church.

Saintspeak 7: The Letter E

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by Seattle Jon (bio)

Another installment from Saintspeak, the mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.

Endowment A dramatic ritual performed in the temple by and for the living and the dead. Since a large number of Saints find it nearly impossible to stay awake through an entire ceremony, they are encouraged to repeat the endowment again and again, until they can do it in their sleep.

Ensign The official church magazine, often called the "fifth standard work," since every issue is received through the urim and thummim.

Eternal Companion On your mission, any companion you have been with for more than two months; one month, if the companion snores. After your mission, the person who takes up two-thirds of the bed, leaves shoes all over the house, and puts away the vital papers that you keep in twenty-nine neat stacks on the bedroom floor.

Saintspeak 6: The Letter D

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by Seattle Jon (bio)

Another installment from Saintspeak, the mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.

D&C An abbreviation for Doctrine and Covenants that invariably makes non-member gynecologists do a double-take.

Dear John What every male missionary fears most during the first twenty-one months of his mission and prays for constantly during the last three months.

Deseret Book The correlated bookstore. If Deseret Book sells it, it's okay to read.

Dialogue A publication of near-apostates claiming to be good Mormons, who fill the pages of the journal with heresies and perversions, and worst of all treat the gospel as if there were still questions that haven't been resolved. If you see an issue of Dialogue in a friend's home, treat him with love and kindness and try to keep him as busy as possible with church work. Remember, only people who have time to think ever get wrong ideas.

Dispensation Because the Lord likes to be neat he has divided man's existence upon the earth into seven periods of exactly one thousand years each, called dispensations, the first six of which are presided over by, respectively, Adam, Noah, Moses, Elijah, Peter, and Joseph Smith. The Lord would never go over or under by a year or two, for that would make thousands of Seminary and Institute lessons obsolete.

Dixie Brigham Young sent hundreds of Saints to colonize Southern Utah and produce cotton, wine, and other useful products. The only product that really did well was the wine. And when the Brethren found out that the Saints in the wine country were passing the sacramental wine cup around for a second sip so as not to let any go to waste, their wine-making days were numbered.

Doctrine Any idea that I have about the gospel, even if I can't find it in the scriptures, because I'm sure someone said it in General Conference sometime. (see dogma)

Dogma Any idea that you try to get me to believe just because somebody said it in General Conference sometime. (see doctrine)

Duty to God A prize given to LDS boys for outward signs of righteousness on the theory that boys too wicked to be virtuous for love of the Lord will nevertheless pass up all the interesting sins of adolescence in order to win some praise and a little pin.