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by Scott Heffernan:
When someone finds Modern Mormon Men via search engine, we get to see what they typed to get here, giving us a small glimpse into the thought processes of those who happen upon our site. I think our readers need to see these, so I'll be sharing them monthly. Some are funny, some are sad, some are disturbing. Maybe we can work together to give some context or help answer some of those curious questions. WARNING: Although some of the more explicit entries have been excluded, saucier phrases that are included have not been edited.
See all Search Term Roundups here.
do i have to wear a shirt and tie to mormon church
I would at least wear a shirt.
mormon soaking floating marinating
Whatever you call it, you’re not fooling anyone.
are mormon men good in bed
No.
are murmons good in bed
Yes.
why dont mormons have nipples
You’re thinking of Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Thursday, May 26, 2016
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Just ... Do It
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by Seattle Jon:
Perhaps you've seen this epic video. And because Shia was filmed in front of a green screen, perhaps you've seen some of the hilarious backgrounds Mr. LaBeouf has been dropped into (a few of my favorites here, here and here). His mantra to "just ... do it!" also couples nicely with Spencer Kimball's famous phrase to "Do It." If there are any editing wizards who read the blog, we'd love to see some LDS backgrounds - send em in and we'll post.

Seattle Jon is a family man, little league coach, urban farmer and businessman living in Seattle. He currently gets up early with the markets to trade bonds for a living. In his spare time he enjoys movies, thrifting and is an avid reader. He is a graduate of Brigham Young University and the Japan Fukuoka mission field. He has one wife, four kids, two cats and four chickens (now dead).
by Seattle Jon:
Perhaps you've seen this epic video. And because Shia was filmed in front of a green screen, perhaps you've seen some of the hilarious backgrounds Mr. LaBeouf has been dropped into (a few of my favorites here, here and here). His mantra to "just ... do it!" also couples nicely with Spencer Kimball's famous phrase to "Do It." If there are any editing wizards who read the blog, we'd love to see some LDS backgrounds - send em in and we'll post.


Monday, June 1, 2015
Mormon Doppelgängers 18: Young John Taylor & Jeff Daniels
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by Scott Heffernan:
Young John Taylor looks a lot like Jeff Daniels. They both sing. They’re both woodworkers. They were both Methodists at certain points in their lives. Jeff Daniels has three kids—named Ben, Lucas, and Nelly. John Taylor fathered 34 children—I’m just going to assume there was a Ben, Lucas, and Nelly in there somewhere.
by Scott Heffernan:
Young John Taylor looks a lot like Jeff Daniels. They both sing. They’re both woodworkers. They were both Methodists at certain points in their lives. Jeff Daniels has three kids—named Ben, Lucas, and Nelly. John Taylor fathered 34 children—I’m just going to assume there was a Ben, Lucas, and Nelly in there somewhere.
Thursday, May 7, 2015
Dear Editor: Hairstyles Too Extreme
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by Eliana:
I have very little memorabilia from my years at BYU. I don't think I ever owned a piece of clothing or anything stamped with a logo. I had a lot of pens from their fabulous selection in the bookstore, but those are long gone.
What I do have is this very special letter to the editor, circa 1998, from The Daily Universe. The letter was written about me, by a stranger. I feel pretty special, even all these years later. Oh how I don't miss the self-righteousness of the Cougars, though it seems to be alive and well from the stories I still hear about leggings, skinny jeans, and the testing center.
Do you have any classy 1990's memorabilia? Kolob Kitsch can probably help if you are feeling nostalgic for EFY cds and such.

Eliana Osborn was raised on cold weather and wild animals in Anchorage, Alaska, setting the stage for her adult life in the Sunniest Place on Earth in Arizona. She grew up in the church and didn't know there were places where conformity was preached. She has degrees. She writes. She teaches. She has some kids. She even has a husband. She's trying to do her best. Twitter: Eliana0Eliana. Website: elianaosborn.com.
by Eliana:
I have very little memorabilia from my years at BYU. I don't think I ever owned a piece of clothing or anything stamped with a logo. I had a lot of pens from their fabulous selection in the bookstore, but those are long gone.
What I do have is this very special letter to the editor, circa 1998, from The Daily Universe. The letter was written about me, by a stranger. I feel pretty special, even all these years later. Oh how I don't miss the self-righteousness of the Cougars, though it seems to be alive and well from the stories I still hear about leggings, skinny jeans, and the testing center.
Do you have any classy 1990's memorabilia? Kolob Kitsch can probably help if you are feeling nostalgic for EFY cds and such.


Thursday, April 2, 2015
Introducing Kolob Kitsch!
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by Scott Heffernan:
I'm excited to announce a new website I've been working on—Kolob Kitsch! Celebrating the weird and the wonderful of Mormon culture, humor, and arts. I created Kolob Kitsch as an outlet to share the oddly charming and overlooked treasures of Mormondom. I’m a lifelong and faithful member of the LDS church, but also have a bit of a twisted sense of humor.
Kitsch refers to items that are considered to be distasteful, garish, or overly sentimental, but are appreciated in an ironic or knowing way. I’ve always had a fascination with Mormon and religious kitsch, and plenty will be featured here. Many of the themes on the site will go beyond the scope of kitsch, but I chose that word because I like the tone it sets.
Mormon life is endlessly beautiful, inspiring, peculiar, and absurd. Kolob Kitsch is irreverent, but good-natured. I hope you enjoy this collection of paraphernalia I’ll be creating and curating.
by Scott Heffernan:
I'm excited to announce a new website I've been working on—Kolob Kitsch! Celebrating the weird and the wonderful of Mormon culture, humor, and arts. I created Kolob Kitsch as an outlet to share the oddly charming and overlooked treasures of Mormondom. I’m a lifelong and faithful member of the LDS church, but also have a bit of a twisted sense of humor.
Kitsch refers to items that are considered to be distasteful, garish, or overly sentimental, but are appreciated in an ironic or knowing way. I’ve always had a fascination with Mormon and religious kitsch, and plenty will be featured here. Many of the themes on the site will go beyond the scope of kitsch, but I chose that word because I like the tone it sets.
Mormon life is endlessly beautiful, inspiring, peculiar, and absurd. Kolob Kitsch is irreverent, but good-natured. I hope you enjoy this collection of paraphernalia I’ll be creating and curating.
Friday, March 27, 2015
MMM Library: Modern Mormon Myths
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by A-Dub:
My undergraduate degree was in the very lucrative field of socio-cultural anthropology, with a double major in Latin American Studies (tagline: “Oh! So…what are you gonna to do with that?”). One of the four things that I learned and still remember from my anthropology degree is that almost all cultures transfer beliefs through some type of myth. Bear in mind that the word myth doesn’t necessarily equate to untrue.
Mormons also create myths, though I must admit that some of them make me cringe. When people tell these myths, they get so adamant that they’re true: “No, seriously! My boyfriend’s dentist heard it from his cousin’s bishop, so it has to be true!” I’m sure some are based in reality, but some are so obviously made up that it makes we think many Mormons lean towards being gullible. I think that we really want them to be true because they help affirm our faith to some degree.
Here are some of the most popular myths/legends I’ve heard. I do question the veracity of many of them, but I’m not saying which. Okay … I question the veracity of any myth involving the Three Nephites.
• Yoda from Star Wars was based on Spencer W. Kimball. (see here)
• The corner towers of the Salt Lake Temple were built perfectly as elevator shafts, though no one knew why they were supposed to be built like that at the time.
by A-Dub:
My undergraduate degree was in the very lucrative field of socio-cultural anthropology, with a double major in Latin American Studies (tagline: “Oh! So…what are you gonna to do with that?”). One of the four things that I learned and still remember from my anthropology degree is that almost all cultures transfer beliefs through some type of myth. Bear in mind that the word myth doesn’t necessarily equate to untrue.
Mormons also create myths, though I must admit that some of them make me cringe. When people tell these myths, they get so adamant that they’re true: “No, seriously! My boyfriend’s dentist heard it from his cousin’s bishop, so it has to be true!” I’m sure some are based in reality, but some are so obviously made up that it makes we think many Mormons lean towards being gullible. I think that we really want them to be true because they help affirm our faith to some degree.
Here are some of the most popular myths/legends I’ve heard. I do question the veracity of many of them, but I’m not saying which. Okay … I question the veracity of any myth involving the Three Nephites.
• Yoda from Star Wars was based on Spencer W. Kimball. (see here)
• The corner towers of the Salt Lake Temple were built perfectly as elevator shafts, though no one knew why they were supposed to be built like that at the time.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
MMM Search Term Roundup 15: January 2014 - March 2014
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by Scott Heffernan:
When someone finds Modern Mormon Men via search engine, we get to see what they typed to get here, giving us a small glimpse into the thought processes of those who happen upon our site. I think our readers need to see these, so I'll be sharing them monthly. Some are funny, some are sad, some are disturbing. Maybe we can work together to give some context or help answer some of those curious questions. WARNING: Although some of the more explicit entries have been excluded, saucier phrases that are included have not been edited.
See all Search Term Roundups here.
spencer w. kimball if you are bored in sacrament meeting, it is because you are boring
I must be really, really, really boring then.
my baby screamed through blessing
Then it didn't count. Sorry. God can't hear what you're saying over the crying.
pictures of ammon cutting off arms
You need some art to hang in your kitchen?
what to expect on a mormon first date
Light petting at most.
rowan atkinson mormon
Oh this would be a dream come true.
wear yellow for a return missionary
Please don’t do that.
by Scott Heffernan:
When someone finds Modern Mormon Men via search engine, we get to see what they typed to get here, giving us a small glimpse into the thought processes of those who happen upon our site. I think our readers need to see these, so I'll be sharing them monthly. Some are funny, some are sad, some are disturbing. Maybe we can work together to give some context or help answer some of those curious questions. WARNING: Although some of the more explicit entries have been excluded, saucier phrases that are included have not been edited.
See all Search Term Roundups here.
spencer w. kimball if you are bored in sacrament meeting, it is because you are boring
I must be really, really, really boring then.
my baby screamed through blessing
Then it didn't count. Sorry. God can't hear what you're saying over the crying.
pictures of ammon cutting off arms
You need some art to hang in your kitchen?
what to expect on a mormon first date
Light petting at most.
rowan atkinson mormon
Oh this would be a dream come true.
wear yellow for a return missionary
Please don’t do that.
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
An Excerpt from the Historical Novel But Very Little Meat
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by Theric Jepson:
Excerpt from But Very Little Meat, the new historical novel based on the lives of vegan Latter-day Saint pioneers Stephen and Stella Stoop.
by Theric Jepson:
Excerpt from But Very Little Meat, the new historical novel based on the lives of vegan Latter-day Saint pioneers Stephen and Stella Stoop.
Chapter Seventeen
Stella's lungs felt strong as she breathed the crisp late fall air of what would someday be the outskirts of Charles, Nebraska. She admired Stephen's strong backside as he pulled the wagon in yoke with the oxen. Respect for all animal life as created by the Lord had given him a backside worthy of admiration, a compliment he often returned to Stella. She blushed, remembering their recent healthy, marital encounters.
The pink glow in her cheeks must have been flowerlike, for what was surely the last butterfly of the season alighted upon her cheek. Stella froze and held her breath, unwilling to disturb so holy a creature as it enjoyed its last hours of mortality. Surely the Lord is great, thought Stella.
A sudden crack tore through the air and Stella's heart. The butterfly fled the sounds of carnage. Stella pulled a head off a shaft of prairie grass and nervously tried to separate a grain. Realizing her nerves were a sign of the Holy Spirit's disappointment with her, she tucked the sustenance into her apron pocket and rushed to the sound's origin. Stephen and the oxen, Balaam and His Lesson, arrived simultaneously.
Friday, February 6, 2015
MMM Library: Mormon Doppelgängers 1, 2 & 3
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by Scott Heffernan:
If you've never seen TotallyLooksLike.com, it’s worth checking out. Part of the Cheezburger network, it compares two pop culture images that look eerily similar. It's creepy and hilarious, but is lacking on the Mormon front. So I'm starting a series called Mormon Doppelgängers, which hopes to bring to light examples that are more relevant to our neck of the woods. Here's a few to get us started.
See all Doppelgängers here.
Had to get this one out of the way. Rumor has it Yoda was actually modeled after our beloved prophet. Rumor has a lot of things that aren't true though. Still, with the voice, hair, ears, and overall cuteness, one has to wonder.
You may remember James Cromwell from such films as Babe, L.A. Confidential, The Queen, or the 153 other movies and TV shows he's appeared in. Or maybe you only recognize him as Mr. Skolnick in the made for TV movie Revenge of the Nerds IV: Nerds in Love. More importantly, he looks a heck of a lot like our favorite swearing General Authority. The resemblance is so uncanny it makes me question my beliefs about reincarnation. Elder Kimball died in 1938 and Mr. Cromwell was born less than two years later in 1940. Follow the logical conclusion, people.
A beautiful mommy/lifestyle blogger and a beautiful Italian actress. Don't know who Valeria Golino is? Think harder. Think Rain Man, Hot Shots! (along with Hot Shots! Part Deux of course), and Big Top Pee Wee. She even dated Pee Wee Herman during filming. Design Mom a.k.a. Gabrielle Blair never dated Pee Wee (as far as we know). However, she is a pioneer, a trendsetter, and runs one of the most successful mommy blogs out there. We're proud to claim her as one of our most creative Mormon icons.
Images via here, starwars.com, here, here, justinhackworth.com, and IMDb.
Please refrain from making any personal attacks on anyone featured. Cruel comments will not be tolerated. And yes, I realize the irony that the post itself could be considered a cruel personal attack.
Want to submit ideas or images? Do it.
This post was originally published May 3, 2011.

Scott Heffernan is a graphic designer and photographer in Seattle. He works on the creative team at Archie McPhee doing all manner of strange things. He grew up a child of the ‘80s in Salt Lake City, served a mission to England/Wales, and got a degree in American Sign Language from the University of Utah. After marrying his sweetheart, they moved to Seattle and had three beautiful baby boys together. He loves toys, skateboarding, and thrift store shopping and has impeccable Modar. Twitter: @ScottHeffernan. Tumblr: ScottHeff.tumblr.com.
by Scott Heffernan:
If you've never seen TotallyLooksLike.com, it’s worth checking out. Part of the Cheezburger network, it compares two pop culture images that look eerily similar. It's creepy and hilarious, but is lacking on the Mormon front. So I'm starting a series called Mormon Doppelgängers, which hopes to bring to light examples that are more relevant to our neck of the woods. Here's a few to get us started.
See all Doppelgängers here.
Spencer W. Kimball & Yoda
Had to get this one out of the way. Rumor has it Yoda was actually modeled after our beloved prophet. Rumor has a lot of things that aren't true though. Still, with the voice, hair, ears, and overall cuteness, one has to wonder.
J. Golden Kimball & James Cromwell
Design Mom & Valeria Golino
Images via here, starwars.com, here, here, justinhackworth.com, and IMDb.
Please refrain from making any personal attacks on anyone featured. Cruel comments will not be tolerated. And yes, I realize the irony that the post itself could be considered a cruel personal attack.
Want to submit ideas or images? Do it.
This post was originally published May 3, 2011.


Thursday, January 22, 2015
Saintspeak 25: The Letter T
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by Seattle Jon:
Another installment from Saintspeak, the mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.
Telestial Kingdom 1. The only place in the hereafter where no one will be surprised to see anyone except himself. 2. The only place in the hereafter where you won't have to make a bunch of new friends. 3. The only place in the hereafter where there will be enough Mormons to hold a really good softball tournament.
Temple Recommend The Church's equivalent of a good credit report.
Temple Square The place where tourists who thought they were getting away from it all discover they're just getting into it.
Terrestrial Kingdom The eternal dwelling place of those who did everything they were told without once wondering why.
Testimony An attempt to explain in words what words cannot explain, to people who cannot understand you unless they already know.
Thou The second person singular pronoun in English. If you occasionally use the second person singular correctly in your prayers, people in the ward will think you made a mistake. If you use it often, they'll think you're a bit odd. If you use it elegantly and consistently, they'll think you're a self-righteous prig.
Tithing The celestial kingdom annual activity fee.
Tracting What missionaries do whenever they can't find any members to visit.
Translated Correctly What the Bible wasn't wherever it refutes my argument.
Trunky The normal state of a Mormon missionary.
Truth What the Saints will have all of, as soon as it clears Correlation.
Two Years Supply If half the Church would get a two-years' supply instead of one, the rest of us could ignore the whole thing and the Church would be, on the average, obedient.

Seattle Jon is a family man, little league coach, urban farmer and businessman living in Seattle. He currently gets up early with the markets to trade bonds for a living. In his spare time he enjoys movies, thrifting and is an avid reader. He is a graduate of Brigham Young University and the Japan Fukuoka mission field. He has one wife, four kids and three chickens.
Image credit: Signature Books (used with permission).
by Seattle Jon:
Another installment from Saintspeak, the mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.

Temple Recommend The Church's equivalent of a good credit report.
Temple Square The place where tourists who thought they were getting away from it all discover they're just getting into it.
Terrestrial Kingdom The eternal dwelling place of those who did everything they were told without once wondering why.
Testimony An attempt to explain in words what words cannot explain, to people who cannot understand you unless they already know.
Thou The second person singular pronoun in English. If you occasionally use the second person singular correctly in your prayers, people in the ward will think you made a mistake. If you use it often, they'll think you're a bit odd. If you use it elegantly and consistently, they'll think you're a self-righteous prig.
Tithing The celestial kingdom annual activity fee.
Tracting What missionaries do whenever they can't find any members to visit.
Translated Correctly What the Bible wasn't wherever it refutes my argument.
Trunky The normal state of a Mormon missionary.
Truth What the Saints will have all of, as soon as it clears Correlation.
Two Years Supply If half the Church would get a two-years' supply instead of one, the rest of us could ignore the whole thing and the Church would be, on the average, obedient.



Monday, January 12, 2015
Vote or Die 9: Which Church Time Is Best?
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by Scott Heffernan:
It’s a new year! A time for renewal, a time for resolve, a time for change. For most of us, the hours we have been designated to attend our local ward congregation has shifted with the new year. Most LDS church schedules go for three hours on Sundays rotating annually between 9am to 12pm, 11am to 2pm, and 1pm to 4pm. (I know there are exceptions to this, but these are the most common.) So which one is the coveted slot?
I’m automatically throwing out 1 o’clock because it is so obviously the worst (barring aforementioned exceptions like 2:30pm to 5:30pm—what!?). If 1 o’clock is your favorite time slot, I’m not sure I even want you taking this survey. If you feel strongly about it, go ahead and try to win us over in the comment section. We’ve probably all had a similar dialogue about the two earlier spots. 9 o’clock is a little too early, but it's great because you get it over with and have the rest of your Sunday ahead of you. 11 o’clock gives you a bit of time to sleep in, but getting out at 2 doesn't quite have the same swagger that getting out at noon does.
What say ye?
See all Vote or Die posts here.

Scott Heffernan is a graphic designer and photographer in Seattle. He works on the creative team at Archie McPhee doing all manner of strange things. He grew up a child of the ‘80s in Salt Lake City, served a mission to England/Wales, and got a degree in American Sign Language from the University of Utah. After marrying his sweetheart, they moved to Seattle and had three beautiful baby boys together. He loves toys, skateboarding, and thrift store shopping and has impeccable Modar. Twitter: @ScottHeffernan. Tumblr: ScottHeff.tumblr.com.
by Scott Heffernan:
It’s a new year! A time for renewal, a time for resolve, a time for change. For most of us, the hours we have been designated to attend our local ward congregation has shifted with the new year. Most LDS church schedules go for three hours on Sundays rotating annually between 9am to 12pm, 11am to 2pm, and 1pm to 4pm. (I know there are exceptions to this, but these are the most common.) So which one is the coveted slot?
I’m automatically throwing out 1 o’clock because it is so obviously the worst (barring aforementioned exceptions like 2:30pm to 5:30pm—what!?). If 1 o’clock is your favorite time slot, I’m not sure I even want you taking this survey. If you feel strongly about it, go ahead and try to win us over in the comment section. We’ve probably all had a similar dialogue about the two earlier spots. 9 o’clock is a little too early, but it's great because you get it over with and have the rest of your Sunday ahead of you. 11 o’clock gives you a bit of time to sleep in, but getting out at 2 doesn't quite have the same swagger that getting out at noon does.
What say ye?
See all Vote or Die posts here.


Friday, January 9, 2015
MMM Library: Calvin & Hobbes, Reflections
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by Seattle Jon:
The mornings have been colder lately, so I wasn't surprised when Seattle received its first heavy snow forecast of the season this past weekend (by Utah standards, nothing significant fell). I remember the first snowfall of last year. Not much had stuck, but the kids came home from church ready to have "snowball fights." When I wished them luck in gathering enough snow for even one snowball, Will said, "Well, maybe we'll just throw snowflakes at each other."
Snow and kids often turns my thoughts to Calvin & Hobbes (Calvin often created horrendous scenes with his snowmen). I grew up reading the comic strip in the Sunday paper and started buying the collection books when I noticed them turning up at our local Deseret Industries a few years ago. Today, most of the 18 published collections can be found in our cars, in our bathrooms, on our bookshelves or under our beds. Calvin & Hobbes is read so much, in fact, that the kids have developed several endearing C&H rituals.
On long car trips, the kids will turn down their favorite pages so they'll know where to start when they switch books with each other.
by Seattle Jon:
The mornings have been colder lately, so I wasn't surprised when Seattle received its first heavy snow forecast of the season this past weekend (by Utah standards, nothing significant fell). I remember the first snowfall of last year. Not much had stuck, but the kids came home from church ready to have "snowball fights." When I wished them luck in gathering enough snow for even one snowball, Will said, "Well, maybe we'll just throw snowflakes at each other."
Snow and kids often turns my thoughts to Calvin & Hobbes (Calvin often created horrendous scenes with his snowmen). I grew up reading the comic strip in the Sunday paper and started buying the collection books when I noticed them turning up at our local Deseret Industries a few years ago. Today, most of the 18 published collections can be found in our cars, in our bathrooms, on our bookshelves or under our beds. Calvin & Hobbes is read so much, in fact, that the kids have developed several endearing C&H rituals.
On long car trips, the kids will turn down their favorite pages so they'll know where to start when they switch books with each other.
Monday, January 5, 2015
Scholars Crack Joseph's Bro Code
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by Shawn Tucker:
assisted by Seattle Jon:
Ogden, UT—Scholars working on the Joseph Smith papers believe that they have finally cracked a code that has perplexed generations of church history researchers, and it was all because of text messaging.
In their article "Cracking the Joseph Smith Bro Code," researchers Dawn Dixon Pratt and Oliver Winslow Young document their efforts to decipher a series of letters at the very end of a number of correspondences between Joseph and other key historical figures. "It is common knowledge that for a time Joseph used code names to protect early church members, but this code seemed different," said researchers Pratt and Young. Try as they might, researchers could not figure out what those letters meant.
Then, earlier this year, a breakthrough. Dr. Pratt noticed rather similar letters in her 16 year-old daughter's text messages. "I was trying to figure out what my daughter was saying," explained Pratt, "when I found an article that became my proverbial Rosetta stone." The article explained some of the arcane texting acronyms contemporary adolescents use such as KPC or "keeping parents clueless."
Pratt arrived at work at her office in the University of Utah at Tooele's Mormon History and Cultural Studies program to discuss her findings with Dr. Young. "Well, after a good laugh, a lengthy discussion of adolescent behavior and attitude adjustment, and a brief discussion about appropriate use and hiding evidence of corporeal punishment, Dr. Young joked that maybe using a sort of early text messaging code was what Joseph was doing," said Pratt. Though nearly dismissed at the time, after a few moments it became clear that that is exactly what Joseph and others were doing.
"We have identified over 142 unique combinations as part of what we call 'Joseph's Bro Code,'" said an exuberant Young. He elaborated that "this will change the face of our understanding of this period forever."
Some of the most used terms include PWIR or "polygamous wife in room," EMIL for "Emma is listening," MMIH meaning "meet me in hiding" and LPRHI for "Let Porter Rockwell Handle It." A common code at the end of letters that talk about the patience and faith needed to work with certain early male church members end with the letters SHTE, which researchers believe means "Send Him To England."
Pratt and Young explained that "deciphering this code has shed new light on the trials of that period." They went on to say that "one code that seems to register some of that time’s frustration and anxiety about the trials of plural marriage is DAWFS which seems to mean 'Dang Angel with Flaming Sword.'"
Note: If you have other acronyms that may or may not have been part of Joseph's Bro Code, please mention them in the comments. Some researchers believe that Emma and other early church women may have also had a unique code. If you believe you know some of their code, include it in the comments as well.

Shawn Tucker grew up with amazing parents and five younger, wonderful siblings. He served as a missionary in Chile during the Plebiscite and the first post-dictatorship election. After his mission, he attended BYU, where he married ... you guessed it ... his wife. They both graduated, with Shawn earning a BA in Humanities. Fearing that his BA in Humanities, which is essentially a degree in Jeopardy, would not be sufficient, Shawn completed graduate work in the same ... stuff ... at Florida State University. He currently teaches at Elon University in North Carolina. He and ... you guessed it ... his wife have four great children. Twitter: @MoTabEnquirer. Website: motabenquirer.blogspot.com.
by Shawn Tucker:
assisted by Seattle Jon:
Ogden, UT—Scholars working on the Joseph Smith papers believe that they have finally cracked a code that has perplexed generations of church history researchers, and it was all because of text messaging.
In their article "Cracking the Joseph Smith Bro Code," researchers Dawn Dixon Pratt and Oliver Winslow Young document their efforts to decipher a series of letters at the very end of a number of correspondences between Joseph and other key historical figures. "It is common knowledge that for a time Joseph used code names to protect early church members, but this code seemed different," said researchers Pratt and Young. Try as they might, researchers could not figure out what those letters meant.
Then, earlier this year, a breakthrough. Dr. Pratt noticed rather similar letters in her 16 year-old daughter's text messages. "I was trying to figure out what my daughter was saying," explained Pratt, "when I found an article that became my proverbial Rosetta stone." The article explained some of the arcane texting acronyms contemporary adolescents use such as KPC or "keeping parents clueless."
Pratt arrived at work at her office in the University of Utah at Tooele's Mormon History and Cultural Studies program to discuss her findings with Dr. Young. "Well, after a good laugh, a lengthy discussion of adolescent behavior and attitude adjustment, and a brief discussion about appropriate use and hiding evidence of corporeal punishment, Dr. Young joked that maybe using a sort of early text messaging code was what Joseph was doing," said Pratt. Though nearly dismissed at the time, after a few moments it became clear that that is exactly what Joseph and others were doing.
"We have identified over 142 unique combinations as part of what we call 'Joseph's Bro Code,'" said an exuberant Young. He elaborated that "this will change the face of our understanding of this period forever."
Some of the most used terms include PWIR or "polygamous wife in room," EMIL for "Emma is listening," MMIH meaning "meet me in hiding" and LPRHI for "Let Porter Rockwell Handle It." A common code at the end of letters that talk about the patience and faith needed to work with certain early male church members end with the letters SHTE, which researchers believe means "Send Him To England."
Pratt and Young explained that "deciphering this code has shed new light on the trials of that period." They went on to say that "one code that seems to register some of that time’s frustration and anxiety about the trials of plural marriage is DAWFS which seems to mean 'Dang Angel with Flaming Sword.'"
Note: If you have other acronyms that may or may not have been part of Joseph's Bro Code, please mention them in the comments. Some researchers believe that Emma and other early church women may have also had a unique code. If you believe you know some of their code, include it in the comments as well.


Friday, January 2, 2015
The Worst Gifts
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by Eliana:
Remain anonymous if you must, but this is a safe space for sharing. In the church we talk a lot about the best gifts—service and such—but not much about the worst ones. Things under the tree frankly have nothing to do with the true meaning of Christmas, so lets come out of the shadows and speak truth.
My mother-in-law gave me a pair of queen size panty hose one year for Christmas. I was not remotely queen sized. That was the entire gift.
I looked early at my gifts only once in my whole life, 8th or 9th grade. I was getting a hideous bright purple long dress coat and a Gameboy. At that moment I realized that my parents knew me not at all. I spent the next week or two trying to come up with good reasons to return the ugliest coat known to man.
There's one other horrible gift I can think of but I'll save that for if we get enough comments coming in. Please share. We all need this after busy weeks of lots of travel and family and cheeriness. Now real life has to come back. Spill the beans: worst gift this year (hello coupon book for service from anyone over the age of 15) or of all time.

Eliana Osborn was raised on cold weather and wild animals in Anchorage, Alaska, setting the stage for her adult life in the Sunniest Place on Earth in Arizona. She grew up in the church and didn't know there were places where conformity was preached. She has degrees. She writes. She teaches. She has some kids. She even has a husband. She's trying to do her best.
Image credit: Kasia (used with permission).
by Eliana:
Remain anonymous if you must, but this is a safe space for sharing. In the church we talk a lot about the best gifts—service and such—but not much about the worst ones. Things under the tree frankly have nothing to do with the true meaning of Christmas, so lets come out of the shadows and speak truth.
My mother-in-law gave me a pair of queen size panty hose one year for Christmas. I was not remotely queen sized. That was the entire gift.
I looked early at my gifts only once in my whole life, 8th or 9th grade. I was getting a hideous bright purple long dress coat and a Gameboy. At that moment I realized that my parents knew me not at all. I spent the next week or two trying to come up with good reasons to return the ugliest coat known to man.
There's one other horrible gift I can think of but I'll save that for if we get enough comments coming in. Please share. We all need this after busy weeks of lots of travel and family and cheeriness. Now real life has to come back. Spill the beans: worst gift this year (hello coupon book for service from anyone over the age of 15) or of all time.



Wednesday, December 17, 2014
MMM Search Term Roundup 14: October 2013 - December 2013
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by Scott Heffernan:
See all Search Term Roundups here.
When someone finds Modern Mormon Men via search engine, we get to see what they typed to get here, giving us a small glimpse into the thought processes of those who happen upon our site. I think our readers need to see these, so I'll be sharing them monthly. Some are funny, some are sad, some are disturbing. Maybe we can work together to give some context or help answer some of those curious questions. WARNING: Although some of the more explicit entries have been excluded, saucier phrases that are included have not been edited.
is it okay to cut up lds hymn book
If it touches the ground, you're actually required to do this.
mormon dating too expensive
Mormon dating is pretty much the cheapest dating you're going to get.
heavy petting
I actually prefer light.
book of mormon musical parental guide
Yeah, I think I’d have the kiddos skip that one.
nephi, have some peanuts
why mormon men are awesome
Because we blog about our feelings.
by Scott Heffernan:
See all Search Term Roundups here.
When someone finds Modern Mormon Men via search engine, we get to see what they typed to get here, giving us a small glimpse into the thought processes of those who happen upon our site. I think our readers need to see these, so I'll be sharing them monthly. Some are funny, some are sad, some are disturbing. Maybe we can work together to give some context or help answer some of those curious questions. WARNING: Although some of the more explicit entries have been excluded, saucier phrases that are included have not been edited.
is it okay to cut up lds hymn book
If it touches the ground, you're actually required to do this.
mormon dating too expensive
Mormon dating is pretty much the cheapest dating you're going to get.
heavy petting
I actually prefer light.
book of mormon musical parental guide
Yeah, I think I’d have the kiddos skip that one.
nephi, have some peanuts
why mormon men are awesome
Because we blog about our feelings.
Thursday, November 27, 2014
Happy Thanksgiving in 32 GIFs!
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by Scott Heffernan:
It's Thanksgiving! Yay!
It's important to spend quality time with family…
And stay connected to your siblings.
by Scott Heffernan:
It's Thanksgiving! Yay!
It's important to spend quality time with family…
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Saintspeak 24: The Letter S, Part 3
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by Seattle Jon:
Another installment from Saintspeak, the mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.
Spirit Prison Where the missionaries will finally get to visit all the people who never answered their doors.
Set Apart The point of no return: Once you're set apart, you can't turn down the calling.
Stake An organization with no congregation. Half the people in your ward that you think are inactive or dead just have stake callings.
Stake Conference The famous Mormon Mother Survival Test, in which participants are required to tend at least three children for two whole hours, struggling to keep them quiet on metal chairs in a room with an incredibly loud echo. There is no requirement that mothers be sane afterward, or even ambulatory. They only have to have a pulse and still be able to find the Cheerios bag within five minutes upon request.
Stake House The old term for a stake center. It was changed because too many nonmembers were getting the wrong idea about what Mormons did on Sunday, for what they heard was: "Oh, I've just been over to the steak house."
by Seattle Jon:
Another installment from Saintspeak, the mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.

Set Apart The point of no return: Once you're set apart, you can't turn down the calling.
Stake An organization with no congregation. Half the people in your ward that you think are inactive or dead just have stake callings.
Stake Conference The famous Mormon Mother Survival Test, in which participants are required to tend at least three children for two whole hours, struggling to keep them quiet on metal chairs in a room with an incredibly loud echo. There is no requirement that mothers be sane afterward, or even ambulatory. They only have to have a pulse and still be able to find the Cheerios bag within five minutes upon request.
Stake House The old term for a stake center. It was changed because too many nonmembers were getting the wrong idea about what Mormons did on Sunday, for what they heard was: "Oh, I've just been over to the steak house."
Friday, October 31, 2014
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Glengarry Gen Conf
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by Donna Bardsley:
It's General Conference Weekend, and for all of us LDS lifestyle and design bloggers, that means one thing and one thing only:
It's time to flood the earth with free General Conference Printables.
Let me have your attention for a moment, because you're still talking about what? Last weekend's General Women's Meeting? That was just a warm-up, brothers and sisters. We've got eight hours of conference ahead of us— this is not for the faint of heart, or those lacking in Adobe Illustrator skills.
You call yourself a designer? You make clip art for Primary? Go play with the Nursery kids.
Only one things counts, and it's General Conference. Everybody loves #LDSConf Printables. Everybody except Satan. Because even he knows the power of good design principles.
Repeat after me: ABCP. Always Be Creating Printables.
by Donna Bardsley:
It's General Conference Weekend, and for all of us LDS lifestyle and design bloggers, that means one thing and one thing only:
It's time to flood the earth with free General Conference Printables.
Let me have your attention for a moment, because you're still talking about what? Last weekend's General Women's Meeting? That was just a warm-up, brothers and sisters. We've got eight hours of conference ahead of us— this is not for the faint of heart, or those lacking in Adobe Illustrator skills.
You call yourself a designer? You make clip art for Primary? Go play with the Nursery kids.
Only one things counts, and it's General Conference. Everybody loves #LDSConf Printables. Everybody except Satan. Because even he knows the power of good design principles.
Repeat after me: ABCP. Always Be Creating Printables.
Friday, September 26, 2014
MMM Library: Famous Mormons…or Not
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by A-Dub:
Mormons love to tell non-Mormons about famous Mormons. If you’re a football fan, a Mormon must mention that Steve Young is a Mormon; if pressed he or she might mention Ty Detmer. Mitt Romney and Orrin Hatch get mentioned in the conservative political arena. Mormon democrats [cough, sputter] will mention Harry Reid. Until recently, ex-football player turned Little House on the Prairie actor Merlin Olsen was the top actor mentioned. Now we’ve got Napoleon Dynamite to give us some tots. Gladys Knight, David Archuleta from American Idol and Stephanie Meyer of Twilight fame can keep us entertained. The catch is that we generally don’t claim someone as Mormon unless they are “active” (which I personally think sounds like a term for a terrorist cell). This is why Paul Walker and Alice Cooper don’t generally get mentioned.
Mormons are kind of like Canadians in their need to mention famous Mormons (e.g. “Hey, did you know Brian Adams is Canadian?!”). I think it stems from some kind of persecution complex, which dates back to getting kicked out of Missouri and Illinois. We feel the need to validate our beliefs by associating ourselves with famous people that aren’t fringe weirdos like the rest of us. If we can get enough famous people, maybe everyone will stop thinking we’re a cult, right? Maybe if Canada can produce enough famous Canadians they can stop being the United States’ little brother.
by A-Dub:
Mormons love to tell non-Mormons about famous Mormons. If you’re a football fan, a Mormon must mention that Steve Young is a Mormon; if pressed he or she might mention Ty Detmer. Mitt Romney and Orrin Hatch get mentioned in the conservative political arena. Mormon democrats [cough, sputter] will mention Harry Reid. Until recently, ex-football player turned Little House on the Prairie actor Merlin Olsen was the top actor mentioned. Now we’ve got Napoleon Dynamite to give us some tots. Gladys Knight, David Archuleta from American Idol and Stephanie Meyer of Twilight fame can keep us entertained. The catch is that we generally don’t claim someone as Mormon unless they are “active” (which I personally think sounds like a term for a terrorist cell). This is why Paul Walker and Alice Cooper don’t generally get mentioned.
Mormons are kind of like Canadians in their need to mention famous Mormons (e.g. “Hey, did you know Brian Adams is Canadian?!”). I think it stems from some kind of persecution complex, which dates back to getting kicked out of Missouri and Illinois. We feel the need to validate our beliefs by associating ourselves with famous people that aren’t fringe weirdos like the rest of us. If we can get enough famous people, maybe everyone will stop thinking we’re a cult, right? Maybe if Canada can produce enough famous Canadians they can stop being the United States’ little brother.
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