Duty and Passion Can Co-Exist

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by Dustin:

In 2006 while attending grad school I stumbled upon an interesting phenomenon gripping the Elder's Quorum of the Ward: a belief that duty and passion can't co-exist in career.

A year earlier I had quit my job in public relations to figure out my passion and follow it. My wife, one-year-old daughter, and I packed up a moving truck and set out into the great unknown. We carried no debt which made the leap easier and we had calculated the bare minimum we could live off of to sustain us while I explored career paths. It was shockingly little.

I landed in a degree program that was aligned with my passion -- educational leadership -- and was knee deep in it in 2006 when we invited a family from the Ward over for dinner. He was in law school and I asked him to tell me about the day when he woke up and said, "I'm going to be a lawyer." His wife was deep in conversation with my wife and he hushed his voice and leaned in to answer my question.

"I don't actually want to be a lawyer."

Whoa. What?! Then why in the world ...

"I just didn't know what else to do when I graduated and it seemed like a viable option."

So why don't you do something else?

"I can't. I'm in deep. I figure I've just got to buckle down and earn a living. Support the fam."

Why can't you do both? Do something else and still earn a living?

"Too much unknown. It's probably not feasible anyway. Better to just do this for a decade or two and then do what I really want."

A decade. Or two. That's a long time.

Over the next year as we invited others over I heard the same story over and over again. Guy doesn't know what to do when he graduates. Driven by a sense of duty, he enrolls in a degree program to take his place in society working a job he lacks passion for but with the hope that one day he can quit and do what he really wants.

This post has a high risk of sounding judgy, so let me pause and simply state my belief. You can do both. You can both pursue your passion and bring home the bacon. They aren't mutually exclusive. In fact, we need you to do it. The world needs it. Positive change is made when people pursue passion with purpose.

There's nothing wrong with being duty-driven. That's not my angle. And if passion isn't important and duty is, that's okay too. But if you want to pursue passion AND you feel a sense of duty to provide for your family, this post is for you. It's possible, and as with anything unconventional it takes effort, intentional work, and focus. It may take some sacrifices -- the kind that the whole family has to be behind -- and you may not succeed right away. But it can happen.

I can't tell you how to do it in a 300-word post. There's simply too much to cover. But if you need some guidance start here and here. You may also want to read Seth Godin, Steven Pressfield, and Chris Guillenbeau to name a few. I also write about the topic on my blog and, in the spirit of pursuing passion and purpose, am aiming to publish a book in October to help clarify the process.

The blessing of agency is that we get to choose what we do. We choose our work. I love this advice from President Eyring's father: "You ought to find something that you love so much that when you don't have to think about anything, that's what you think about." It's never too late to choose your work.


Dustin currently lives in Houston, Texas with his wife and four children. After serving a mission in Puerto Rico, he set the tone for a happy marriage by failing Dating and Marriage Prep at BYU-Idaho. He then showed why this happened, dragging his family around the nation with nine moves in seven years, all in the name of figuring out what to do with his life. He found his way into leadership development and now works at YES Prep Public Schools training teachers to be leaders and as a private consultant for businesses and non-profits. He especially enjoys helping people figure out their best-fit career and get into it and spits serious game on the topic at www.dustinpeterson.me. He loves bacon, Dallas sports teams, and long walks on the beach. Email him at dustin (at) dustinpeterson (dot) me. Twitter: @dustin_lead.
Image credit: Czarina Cleopatra Mendoza (used with permission).

MMM Library: 9-11 Remembrances

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by Seattle Jon:

What do you remember? Leave a comment ...

Seattle Jon
I was an investment banker in Baltimore on 9-11. I was at my desk when the first and second planes hit the towers. I remember the guy who sat across from me (he was also LDS) turning around and saying, "Hey, there are planes hitting buildings in New York." When the third plane hit the Pentagon, he turned around again and said, "Dude ... I think this is the end of the world." His statement sent chills through me. Soon after, we went down to the trading floor where we watched both towers fall on fifty television screens. It was horrifying to think what our headquartered colleagues across the street from the towers were going through. Baltimore essentially shut down, and I was only able to get out of the city because I knew a few cabbies. I spent the next few days glued to the news, worrying about my wife and daughter in Utah.

Scott Heffernan
I was on a mission in Bristol, England on 9/11. We happened to be tracting door-to-door when the attacks began. We knocked on a woman’s door, introduced ourselves as missionaries, and she curtly told us she was not interested. As we were walking away she said, “Wait…Have you seen what’s going on?...I think you better come in.” We watched her TV in shock and confusion as the first tower burned, a plane crashed into the second tower, and then both towers collapsed. It was a heavy, heavy day and the mission changed a great deal after that.

MMM Library: How to Hijack a Meeting

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by Dustin:

This post was originally published on December 20, 2011.

Mormons do meetings. Lots of them. Three meetings during Church with break-out meetings during the meetings, meetings before and after the block, meetings during the week ... meetings to coordinate those meetings. There is no end to our gathering and this will likely never change. We are a people who congregates and does so often. This culture of meetings means that we have a higher chance of being well-coordinated. It also means that opportunities are plentiful for meeting-sabotage.

Meeting-sabotage occurs when individuals knowingly or unknowingly take the power in a meeting, often without warning. Meetings are prime territory for power struggles, although in our oftentimes meek Mormon culture, the power usually goes and never returns.

As a career teacher, below are several tricks of the trade that often get deployed in my classes. I haven't yet found effective means for rescuing meetings or classes after these weapons have been discharged, but I enjoy witnessing their skillful use. Whether you are a teacher or student, recognizing these implements and learning how to effectively manage and/or utilize them can yield immense power in the classroom or cultural hall. Use them wisely:

#1 The "Just Real Quick"

This phrase immediately excuses a comment of any length, regardless if it's actually quick or not. Use it to introduce a topic, derail a conversation, or free-flow a monologue. For optimum power combine this move with "I was just going to say" or "I was thinking." For example:

Tami Teacher: "So let's move on to the Beatitudes."
Paul: "Oh, just real quick before we move on ...
Tami: "Oh, uh, yes Paul? Something to add?"
Paul: "I was just going to say that I think there are several reasons why camels wouldn't fit through the eye of a needle, logistically speaking. First ..."

Humanitarian Aid in the Fast Lane?

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by Dustin:

This past week we were in Salt Lake City on a family ski trip. On Sunday, we went to Music and the Spoken Word (where my four-year-old applauded every performance) and then walked over to Temple Square to take a picture with the Christus and look at the statues of the prophets on the bottom floor.

While we were in the Food Storage and Humanitarian Aid section of the Visitor's Center, I came across this wall of ideas for ways to help others in need and found the most unusual suggestion. The writing on the wall states the following:

"When we help those in need in the way the Savior taught, we give of our energy, skills, and possessions in a manner that leaves the receiver more self-reliant and leaves us happy because of our sacrifice. In this way all are truly blessed."

As I walked the length of the wall, I found ideas such as "be a friend" and "visit shut-ins." Others included "taking a meal to the sick" and "volunteering at the local school." Most ideas seemed intuitive. Then, tucked just to the right of the computer screen I found this:

What ...? Drive considerately? Since when is this a form of humanitarian aid?! I considered for 30 seconds why this would be included alongside "contribute to a charity" and "teach someone to read" on the wall of humanitarian service but dropped it when my son needed to use the potty. Maybe it was just put there to torment me, given my propensity to match the maniacal driving style of my fellow Houstonians. Regardless, it instantly became my go-to strategy for serving others in 2014. I will drive more humanely.

That said, I'd be interested to hear your opinions on why this fits with other, more obvious methods of giving aid. And yes, that is "kindness" spelled with one "s."


Dustin currently lives in Houston, Texas with his wife and four children. After serving a mission in Puerto Rico, he set the tone for a happy marriage by failing Dating and Marriage Prep at BYU-Idaho. He then showed why this happened, dragging his family around the nation with nine moves in seven years, all in the name of figuring out what to do with his life. He found his way into leadership development and now works at YES Prep Public Schools training teachers to be leaders and as a private consultant for businesses and non-profits. He especially enjoys helping people figure out their best-fit career and get into it and spits serious game on the topic at petersonleadership.com. He loves bacon, Dallas sports teams, and long walks on the beach. Email him at dustin (at) petersonleadership (dot) com. Twitter: @dustin_lead.
 Image credits: post author

Three Keys to Resolving Your Energy Crisis

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by Dustin (bio)

If you pictured Al Gore when you read the title of this post, I apologize. This isn't about THAT kind of energy crisis. This is more about the kind of crisis that has a deep impact on your productivity, peace, and the contribution you make to the lives of those around you. Your personal energy crisis. Most of us have experienced an energy crisis and according to research (1) many of us experience one every day. Let me illustrate with one of my own.

There was a time early in my career when I would come home from my job in public relations and be a shell of myself. I would walk in the door, drop my stuff, and fall face down on the couch or bed. My wife and I were newly married and I undoubtedly freaked her out. Once I recovered enough energy from planking on the couch, I'd physically "clock in" to the relationships at home but feel mentally checked out. I couldn't pinpoint why I felt disconnected with reality but I didn't feel like I had much to give. I was running on fumes and everyone around me could tell. My wife used to tease me for going into "Dustin World" which consisted of pulling on a hoodie and cinching the hood around my face so tight that I looked like I was living in a Q*bert costume.

Alternately, I would wake up in the morning and pull the sheet over my head like Bubble Boy, resisting the desire to get out of bed and on to my soul-sucking job. After a year in PR I quit and tried many, many other jobs before landing in an immensely fulfilling career. Although the jobs improved, there were still times when energy crises would loom. Some days I had more energy than others and I just figured it was the ebb and flow of being a human. This energy roller coaster finally made sense to me when I came across a concept early in my study of leadership development that released the tension on my hood strings and pulled back the sheet, so to speak.

The Energy Account

All day every day we are doing one of two things: either making a deposit in our personal energy account or making a withdrawal. There is no gray area. No one is ever simply status quo in their energy account. You're either filling it or draining it. Some things give energy and other things take it away, and it's different person-to-person. Right now, writing this post, I can literally feel myself getting more energy, which to me feels like lightness, excitement, flow, creativity, and so on. That's because I get energy from taking concepts or ideas and breaking them down into practical solutions to help people improve their lives. (2)

How to Choose a Career: A Non-Lame Guide to Finding More Joy in What You Do Every Day -- Part 3

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by Dustin (bio)

NOTE: This is the third installment in a series of posts that piece together things I've learned over the last eight years of using my life like a lab rat to figure out the question "what should I do with my life?" This series is aimed at those who are exploring career, looking to change jobs, or who are simply searching for more happiness in their daily work regardless of what that work entails. Read Part 1 or Part 2.

Image via Richard Blank

Yesterday I ate lunch with a friend and we were talking about what in the world drove him to major in bio-engineering. He said he showed up at Rice University and asked around to find out what the hardest major was and then signed up for that. He's obviously driven by different values than I am. Pretty much any hard class or major I ever came across at BYU-Idaho got the ol' "sayonara." But he illustrates an interesting point: People land in majors and careers for really random reasons. You might be able to relate. I know I can.

I chose public relations as a sophomore because I met with a career counselor who asked me what I like to do and I said "work with people" (just like virtually every other human being on planet earth). He said, "Do you feel like you can relate well with them?" I thought about it and said, "Oh yeah. Actually I do that really well." "Then you should go into public relations," was the reply. So I went into PR. The joke was on me when two years later I was gainfully employed at a top-tier PR firm in Dallas sitting in a "call booth" cold-calling media from wellness magazines to pitch them my client, Beano, and it's discovery of Complex Carbohydrate Intolerance (aka stinky toots). Choosing a major or career is tricky because we don't know how to approach it and our default strategy is random.

From what I have observed over the past ten years, there are really two ways to go about choosing your career path, the Outside/In Model or the Inside/Out Model (trademark pending for the super creative names). Most people choose this one:

Outside/In Model

You begin your career search by looking at all of the options "out there" and then fitting yourself into the one that most peaks your interest. You use what I call Outside/In Model, looking at what is available and then deciding if you fit in one of those options. From the 200+ individuals I've interviewed, the consensus is that most people choose a major or career based on at least one of the following:

• My dad was a _____ so I will be too (as if career is consistently passed through the blood line).
• XYZ career path pays really well so I'll do that.
• XYZ major only takes _____ credits to graduate. Let's do this!
• I really liked studying the Renaissance in high school, so I'll be an English major.
• I loved Mr. Jones, my high school math teacher. He changed my life. I'll be a math major.
• My parents are paying for my schooling and they said, "We're not paying for you to go to ABC school to get a degree in that!"

In other words, when people choose a major they typically follow a relatively arbitrary and ineffective model of looking at all of the options they perceive to be available to them "out there" and then fitting themselves into one of them, much like fitting a round peg into a square hole. A graduating college senior might say, "Well, I can go into teaching, consulting, or pursue graduate school," pick one, and go with it. I did this when I graduated and most of the individuals I career coach do a similar thing. When I graduated with a degree in public relations my first Google search was for "jobs" in "public relations" in "Dallas." Likewise, when I initially selected my major I chose it based on super limited information. There are really three problems with this method:

1. It takes a lot of time to find a job you love. The common refrain is, "You can do anything for a year." While this is true, and I've definitely had my fair share of one-year jobs, an accumulation of one-year positions over a career can be detrimental because you may never get very much depth in any one career. You may select a major or career path, try it out for a year, bail and move on the next, try it for a year, and so on. People say, "Just dive in. You'll figure it out." While true, it's also very time-consuming and frustrating.

How to Choose a Career: A Non-Lame Guide to Finding More Joy in What You Do Every Day -- Part 2

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by Dustin (bio)

NOTE: This is the second in a series of posts that piece together things I've learned over the last eight years of using my life like a lab rat to figure out the question "what should I do with my life?" This series is aimed at those who are exploring career, looking to change jobs, or who are simply searching for more happiness in their daily work regardless of what that work entails. Read Part 1 here.

In Part 1, we figured out that doing what you love and loving what you do are both possible if you change the way you look at "what you love." Quick anecdote to drive home this idea: My wife is a master at diving into stressful situations and arranging people and things to achieve an outcome, particularly when everyone else is freaking out. As you can imagine, this happens all the time in a house of six people, two cats and a dog. She skillfully manages the chaos and actually gets energy from doing it! She loves using this talent prior to having visitors stay with us or preparing for guests. So how does she take what she loves and transfer it or replicate it outside of the home to get that same energy high, satisfaction, and results?

Two weeks ago we attended a youth fundraiser at the church, a spaghetti dinner and auction. As the new second counselor in the Young Women's presidency, my wife didn't have any direct oversight over the fundraiser but showed up to be supportive and lend a hand. I arrived to the church 30 minutes before start time to help out and chaos was in full effect. Women were racing around the church slinging spaghetti and sauce on plates and setting up tables in the gym. Each of them had brought their children and the kids were running rampant through the church. Lord of the Flies had ensued. As I walked the halls I saw kids standing on the metal chalkboard trays scribbling on boards and setting up rows of chairs and leaping off of them at full speed. My natural instinct was to cower in the corner in the fetal position and protect myself and my children but then I came across my wife in the kitchen. She had immediately jumped in and organized the insanity. She deftly delegated responsibilities to some of the young women and organized the supply chain. More importantly, you could tell she was at her best doing it. Her energy was high, she was calm, and she had that "in the groove" look in her eyes (which is scary because it often ends in me vacuuming the whole house or building something). I, on the other hand, faded into the background and rocked quietly in the corner.

Now imagine if she decided to enter the workforce and showed up at a company with this talent: organizing and arranging people, things, and responsibilities to achieve an outcome on a deadline. It wouldn't take long for this skill-set to manifest and my guess is she would be favorably recognized and compensated for it. The talents we use in the home and in our callings that yield high energy and satisfaction can be replicated in the workplace to our benefit (and vice versa) and the result will likely be more joy from 8 a.m.-5 p.m., a feeling of living in harmony with who we are, and perhaps even recognition and more financial security.

Now let's dive in with three myths about career that I've learned over the past decade:

MYTH 1: Career is linear, or in other words, where I think I will be in 10 years is exactly where I will end up. If you think about this for a second, the probability is totally unrealistic. Ten years ago today I was kneeling on a tile floor in Puerto Rico installing an alarm system as a technician for an alarm company. I never could have imagined where I would be now because this career path was not part of my paradigm. A lot can happen in 10 years, and to land precisely where you thought you would 10 years from now would mean that you have total control over the universe around you and any element that could potentially shake you from your path. I was talking with a friend the other day who said that her goal was to get a job at IDEO in 6-8 years. She had seen a video about them at the beginning of her Rice career and loved the environment they fostered and so she would end up there. The plan upon arriving to Rice was to study mechanical engineering for four years, get into Stanford, complete her master's in two years, and get a job at IDEO. I asked her how the plan was progressing and she admitted it was a little shaky.

How to Choose a Career: A Non-Lame Guide to Finding More Joy in What You Do Every Day -- Part 1

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by Dustin (bio)

NOTE: This is the first in a series of posts that piece together things I've learned over the last eight years of using my life like a lab rat to figure out the question "what should I do with my life?" This series is aimed at those who are exploring career, looking to change jobs, or who are simply searching for more happiness in their daily work regardless of what that work entails.

Image by Thomas Leuthard

This time of year makes me nauseous, mostly because I have flashbacks to my time as a graduating senior from BYU-Idaho almost 10 years ago. For some, graduation was an epic day because they transitioned smoothly into ready-made jobs with benefits. For me, an educational drifter who dabbled in seven majors in college, graduation marked the end of procrastinating one big, universal question -- what should I do with my life?

I graduated in public relations and spent one year in a job that drained my energy before I abruptly quit and devoted the next eight years to figuring out how to figure out what to do with my life and find more joy from 8am-5pm. I worked 8 jobs in 6 states in those eight years including stints as an alarm system salesman, corporate relations specialist, large appliance delivery man, program adviser at a university, community service intern, and a leadership development coordinator. I interviewed more than 200 people, read countless books and articles, and researched career exploration like it was my job. From all of this, two things happened: 1) I found a dream job that I get paid above average to do and 2) I figured out how to figure it out. I put everything I learned into a massive 98-page Google doc on my Gmail account and have spent the last few years teaching the concepts to every person who would listen, particularly to college kids at UNLV and Rice, to do my part to alleviate world suffering and global warming. I've coached hundreds of people through career exploration and believe the things I've learned in my journey can blow the lid off choosing a best-fit career and enjoying what you do. In this series of posts, I'll start with some basic things you need to know to figure it out. I'll then give three simple strategies to get you started. If after all this you need more help let me know by contacting me at dustin (at) petersonleadership (dot) com. No spam or Canadian drug offers, please. I am, however, open to wire transferring money to Nigerian kings or old ladies with big inheritances.

Know This First
It's important to understand at the outset that when people tell you to "just do what you love" they are both right and wrong. Yes, you should pursue something you love because you are more invested in things you love and you get more return on your investment. Think puppies. Or your family. But they may be wrong in suggesting that if you love singing you should be a singer. Or if you love basketball you should head for the NBA. I made the mistake of charting a course to a career in professional basketball that ended when I was 14 and got cut in tryouts. I didn't get far. All my life when people suggested I should just do what I love for a living I poo-pooed them, feeling like I had missed my calling in basketball and was forever doomed to just work out the rest of my days in job purgatory. "Well, if I failed at doing what I love I guess I should fall back into line with the day laborers."

How to Be A Better Dad

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by Dustin (bio)

Gediminas Pranckevieius, My Little Friend, 2010

I teach early morning seminary, specifically the juniors and seniors. The other day was I talking with the other teacher who has the freshman/sophomore class about his lesson that morning. His lesson was on gifts, and he was showing me a book he had received for Christmas from his seven year-old daughter. It was a hardcover board book that she had designed from start to finish and it was called "Why I Love My Dad." He held up the book and went on to describe how he had set up a great class and what he did next. I tuned him out. I wanted to know what was in the book. I have a seven year-old daughter and so was curious what his daughter said she loved about him. Casually, I took the book from him and began reading it while he was talking. It rocked me.

As I skimmed through the book, each page had an elaborate, colorful drawing with colored pencils depicting this little girl and her daddy with some narrative. One page said, "I love my Dad because he cleans my room with me and shows me how to do a good job." The night before, I was standing in the game room upstairs, exasperated, griping at my kids, and telling my daughter that if I had to ask her again to please go clean her room I was going to drag her by her ankle to her room like a caveman after a hunt. Another page said, "I love my Dad because he comes to my school to eat lunch with me." I'm often too distracted by work or too unorganized to even consider this as an option. Plus it's a long twenty minute drive (said in my most whiny voice). "I love my Dad because he plays with me," "... because he takes me to his work," "... because he takes me to get a hamburger and talk." Wow. I gave him his book back and said "Man, I couldn't see my daughter saying any of that. She would probably say, 'I love my Dad because he gripes at me and tells me to clean up.'" Or because he chases me up the stairs and buries me in pillows when I'm at my most ticked. This was a sign to me that I had some work to do.

MMM Library: 3,000 Thoughts a Day and Counting

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by Dustin (bio)

This post was originally published on June 2, 2011.

Image by Steve Dunleavy.

I was watching the NBA Playoffs several weeks ago when a car commercial caught my attention. It opened by saying that humans have more than 3,000 thoughts a day. I imagine it went on to talk about their car and its features, but I wouldn't know because this statement jarred my thoughts away from the commercial (read: marketing failure) as one thought in particular popped out of nowhere. How do I weed through the endless flood of meaningless thoughts I have each day to hone in on the truly important ones? What can I do to identify the life-altering thoughts that are placed in my mind by God and that are generally sandwiched somewhere between "what should I have for an after-dinner snack" and "my foot itches"?

The first thing we need to know is that the most profound thoughts -- the ones that will be truly meaningful to our life in the moment -- will come from the Holy Ghost. These thoughts include those little strokes of genius that come to our minds seemingly out of nowhere that, when followed, lead to joy. These might relate to career path, Church calling, solutions to problems in work, church, or family, or simple things that keep us from danger or that inspire us.

Once we recognize that the meaningful thoughts will come from the Spirit, we need to figure out how to isolate them and focus on them long enough to make a real difference. I followed up on this thought (this is key to making a real difference) and came across a great read by Gerald Lund from the July 2004 New Era entitled "Is it Revelation?" He said the key to identifying the thoughts that come from the Spirit (in other words, the meaningful thoughts) is to quiet the "inner noise." Inner noise may be obvious such as sin, anger, tiredness, hunger, or apathy. It may also be more conspicuous, such as wanting something so badly that our judgment is clouded by emotion (i.e. that car would make for a much better commute...what's the point of a savings account anyway!?). Take a moment to identify your inner noise. What is distracting you right now?

So here are five ways to quiet the noise:

1. Take a moment of silence: I typically use my commute to alternate between listening to Clive Cussler and letting radio DJs determine my fate. But yesterday I felt inspired to do nothing. I decided to sit in the car in silence and reflect. Through this process, I discovered two things: 1) the things I needed to focus on rose to the top and 2) doing this for more than ten minutes not only hurts your brain but gets a bit awkward. I have a short attention span.

Do Something This Year

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by Dustin (bio)

What's your impact in the world? And I don't mean your perceived impact. I mean your real impact. How would you measure it? What would others say?

I was recently struck with a realization: I'm a prolific public speaker and motivational force for good ... but I may be the only one who knows it. You see, I believe there's often a divide between who we think we are in the world and who we actually are. We live in our minds. We have a whole world set up where we are the center and everything else revolves around that persona. In my mind, I've built a successful business around helping others identify their career paths and excel in them. The problem is, it's in my mind. It hasn't actually manifested in the world quite yet. And the only way to close the distance between who we think we are and who we actually are is to do something. There are plenty of dreamers in the world with good intentions but very few people who take action on those dreams and make them reality.

Many things hold us back from taking action. For me, potential to fail and risk-aversion are big. Procrastination can be hairy for others. There are other ugly inhibitors that get in the way of us becoming who we were meant to become. Aristotle stated, "To avoid criticism say nothing, do nothing, be nothing." I would suggest that we can avoid success and happiness this year in the same three ways.

Who you are now is a result of sum of your actions up to this point in your life. And who you hope to become will only happen as you take action toward that ideal. So as you set your resolutions for the new year, instead of settings goals to become someone new try setting goals to do something. At the end of the day, what you've done will determine who you become. So what will you do this year?

You May Actually Want to Read This

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by Dustin (bio)

I want to share with you a new verbal weapon to deploy in your interactions with family and friends. Use it wisely.

The other day I was coming back to my office after using the restroom (a wholly unrelated piece of information) and my colleague stopped me just outside of my office to ask a question. She was preparing for a big interview for a prestigious scholarship and asked me, "Dustin, any last words of advice for my interview?" I paused and then shared a few practical tips for her interview to help ease her anxiety. She cocked her head and said, "Wow, that was actually really helpful!" I furrowed my bushy brow and asked, "Hmm, what did you expect? That I would give stupid advice?" She laughed and thought about it and said, "I'm not sure, but I guess I assumed you would make some lame joke." Zzzzzzzzzing! Actually she was right. It took everything in my power not to offer some stupid advice or crack a joke. But the real gem is the power of the word actually.

Nothing stings worse than a well-placed "actually." It leaves you wondering if what you did was in fact worthy of a compliment or if instead it was so outside of your typically lame self that it merits acknowledgement -- a total power move. It knocks you on your heels just enough to keep you guessing.

I've begun to be more aware of the use of actually, and I'm surprised how often people use it to qualify their statements. It takes an otherwise meaningful compliment and swings it back-handed. Let's try a few I've heard recently.

This pumpkin pie is actually really good! (At least much better than the cow-hide I thought it might taste like).

I actually enjoyed this workshop a lot! (It wasn't anything like the horrific brain dent I figured it would be).

I've actually been really excited to talk with you! (I thought you would be lame, and you still might be).

I checked out that MMM blog and actually liked reading it. (No comment)

I've had some fun with it around the office. Try it out and let me know how it goes. You might actually find it useful (and if not, this post will be as useless as you assumed it would be).

Forget Proper Discipline: Let Your Kids Know You're Craaaaazy

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by Dustin (bio)

For some time now I've been intrigued as I watch parents struggle to discipline their children. Some parents have no discipline strategy at all and it shows: kids run rampant and constant anarchy reigns. Other parents have a great system in private but when their kids go out in public it all goes to pot. And yet other parents are unashamed to make a public display, such as the lady who put her kid in the naughty corner during sacrament meeting a few weeks ago, except the naughty corner was the front pew in the chapel in the middle of the meeting. The whole ward got a good taste of her child's tantrum abilities. Early on in our parenting I stumbled on a technique that has paid serious dividends in disciplining our children for inappropriate behavior, whether in public or in private, and I feel it's time to share it. As with all good parenting techniques, it has roots in the prison system.

Prison is a scary place. So is elementary school. And so is virtually any new environment where there is a pre-existing power dynamic -- first day at a new company, rookie on a sports team, new recruit in the military or in a fraternity. What all of these scenarios have in common is an underground hierarchy. Someone is the top dog and everyone else is not. But there's a quick, time-tested way to level the playing field and earn instant respect. It's the principle of "mind games." Let's look at an example:

Imagine it's your first day in prison. What's the first thing you do? Rearrange the cot in your cell? Organize your belongings and unpack your toothbrush? No. You go to the lunchroom and find the biggest, meanest, scariest inmate you can, walk directly up to him, and punch him in the face. Just like that everyone thinks "this guy is either really stupid or really crazy or both." Forget what happens as a result. The power dynamic has instantly shifted. People don't mess with you because you're unpredictable. They're not sure what's next. You make people uneasy and for that reason you're respected. But the principle doesn't always need to include physicality to be effective. Take your first day at a new job. One of the best ways to shift the power dynamic is to allow yourself to get "caught" in your office rocking back and forth, staring out the window with crazy eyes, and mumbling to yourself. People see this and think, "This guy's crazy. I'm not messing with him." Better yet, keep the door cracked while doing decline push ups off the edge of your desk in the middle of the afternoon. Mumble to yourself between sets and don't be afraid to occasionally lash out at the wall or another inanimate object. Instant respect.

So let's translate the principle to parenting. First off, I'm not advocating abuse. Far from it. What I'm advocating is keeping your kids on their toes. When kids act out they are testing your boundaries, so don't let them find the boundary. Here's how it works in our house:

Several weeks ago my four-year-old was misbehaving, acting the fool. Any other parent would have either spanked him or put him in the naughty corner straightaway, but I knew better. I recognized this as a perfect opportunity to leverage the craziness. I marched over to him, flipped him upside down, lifted him over my head by his ankles, and began to tricep press him. Partly stunned by my stealth and partly by the fact that he was now hanging upside down being repped like a dumbbell, he fell into line. Just as quickly as I lifted him over my head I set him back down on the couch, pointed at him, and nodded my head Mr. T style.

No words were exchanged. We didn't dialogue about what he was doing or why that just happened. I just let it linger and then walked off. We didn't need to discuss it. We both knew what just happened. And I could see the wheels in his mind spinning as I turned to walk away and left him thinking to himself, "What was that!?! Man. DAD IS CRAZY."

Here's another one:

Easy On the Slang, Sucka!

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by Dustin (bio)

I use a decent amount of slang, particularly for a 32 year-old man. I didn't realize I did until we were sitting at dinner recently and my six year-old daughter casually used the phrase "drop a deuce" when telling a story about our cats stinking up the litter box. I shot a glance at my wife, who was scowling, and raised my eyebrows as if to say, "Is that what I think it was?" She told me in hushed tones that her teacher had scolded her for using the same phrase at school, apparently in this context at recess: "Mrs. Castle, I need to drop a deuce."

I know I'm supposed to be ashamed and even embarrassed, yet a small part of me found humor in seeing my daughter coin a pop-culture phrase and use it correctly. A few other examples:

◦ My son recently told me that he didn't need to brush his teeth because "I already brushed my snags, Dad."

◦ My son hit me in the head with a basketball while we were wrestling and shouted "booyah" while fist pumping.

◦ My daughter beat my son at a game they were playing and threw her hands up while saying, "Oh yeah, sucka."

This has backfired more than once, of course. One of the first phrases I taught my two year-old to say was, "Yeeeeah boyyyeeeeeee" (also written "boiiiiiiiiiii"). Now whenever he gets mad at his siblings he says, "Stop it, boyyyyeeeeeee." When he used the big boy potty last week I said, "Yeeeeah boyyeee!" while attempting to high-five him, but he crossed his arms and stomped his foot and said, "I not boooyyeeeee," thinking it was a derogatory term. My wife is now deprogramming him with conversation about what a girl is and what a boy is, and the difference between "boy" and "boyyyyeeeeeeee."

Do your kids drop slang? Is it a little gratifying or is it just me?

The Golden Nickel: How to Get Your Kids to Do What You Want

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by Dustin (bio)

There's this quote in leadership literature that says that the essence of leadership is getting others to do what you want because they want to. Now this sounds awfully manipulative but when you apply it to parenting it's just downright genius. Three weeks ago my wife and I stumbled on a little parenting "pot of gold" that has influenced our kids to do what we ask them to because they want to. I'm sharing it with MMM readers and ONLY MMM readers as a benefit to you for your faithfulness in following the blog and occasionally commenting. I'm even throwing a bone to those who like to blast various posts with weird and often overly critical commentary. You're welcome.

But first, imagine this: You roll over at 6:30 a.m. and throw a crusty-eyed glance out into the living room. From your vantage point in bed you can see the last few stairs of the stairwell and, to your surprise, you see your six year-old and four year-old -- fully dressed in their clothes for the day -- tip-toeing down the stairs with their laundry baskets and having already made their beds. At first you think you've gone insane. Then you go through major holidays in your mind. Father's Day? Nope. Mother's Day? Nope. What could have possibly convinced your otherwise individualistic and disobedient children to manage themselves in a mature, almost adult-like way? And then you remember ... the nickels.

The Lord Cares What I Do For A Living

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by Dustin (bio)

I want to dispel the myth that the Lord doesn't care what I do for a living. I've made several career changes in the spirit of finding my passion and doing it for a living. Along the way, during the dark moments of confusion and self-discovery, I have often had people around me say, "I don't think the Lord cares so much what you do for a living as long as you do it well." Something about that statement rubs me wrong and it's taken some time to figure out why.

I get it. I understand what people are saying. We aren't going to arrive at the pearly gates and have the Lord shaking his head with disappointment that we were a lawyer instead of a doctor or an investment banker instead of an educator. I believe most lines of work are equal in the eyes of God. And yes, he does want us to do whatever we do with integrity. But the moment this becomes an excuse to just "eeny-meeny-miny-mo" it and pick a career, I think we are selling ourselves short. Here's my logic.

If the Lord wants me to be happy, and "men are that they might have joy," then surely He didn't intend for that to only occur before work or after hours. Certainly he wants me to find joy in my day-to-day labors ... in the activity where I spend the most time each day. In addition, I can surely find some joy in any job, but that isn't the same as "loving what you do." For that love to occur, I would argue that I need to be enjoying more than 75% of my daily labors. I need to be utilizing my strengths the majority of the time and experience the rush of energy that comes with doing so. And, if the Lord will help me find my keys when they are lost then why wouldn't he help me find the best job that most aligns with the God-given abilities and talents I've been given from Him!? He will and he has! I've experienced it and can say that if you care to ask He cares to answer. This is the parable of the talents. To each of his servants he gave them talents. One did nothing with his and was chastised. His talents were removed and given away to others. To the others he rewarded them for multiplying the gifts they had been given. "Well done," he said, for not hiding what you had been given and reserving it for Sundays only or off-work hours.

Amazing New Exercise Plan Fitness Experts Don't Want You To Know About!

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by Dustin (bio)

Photo by telmo32.

I'm on this new workout plan and it is the greatest thing I've ever done. I've tried P90X and it's predecessor, Body for Life. I've lifted weights for years, completed triathlons and run half-marathons. In all my time, I've never done an easier or more effective workout than this. It's time-friendly and inexpensive. And simple to a fault. I just had to share.

To preface, I haven't truly consistently worked out in more than a year. With my calling in the seminary program and my work and family, time for working out has diminished to zero. This has resulted in all kinds of nastiness. Pecs are soft and malleable, arms are skinny like broomsticks, shoulders are bony, and I've got more love than I can handle padding my kidneys. Short story: I feel gross and look worse.

Enter the new regimen. I discovered it after reading the bio of a buddy from high school with a similar trajectory. After graduating he put on more than 30 pounds of the wrong kind of weight. He felt awful and decided he needed to do something to turn it around. So this is what he did, and what I've tried for the past week with noticeable success. After doing it, he went from running one mile with pain to running five, then eight, then a half marathon. He transitioned to triathlons and recently began full Ironmans. He now trains triathletes for a living, all in a little less than six years.

So here's the plan. Get your pen and paper ready: Do Something.

21 Days to More Happiness

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by Dustin (bio)

I recently watched a TED talk by Shawn Achor (also included at the bottom of this post), one of the highest-rated professors at Harvard University for more than a decade, and it rocked my brains. The focus of the talk was on happiness, of which I'm a fan. In the talk, Achor suggests that our idea of the link between success and happiness is distorted. In fact, it's backwards.

I often tell myself, "as soon as I achieve ________ then I'll be happy," as if happiness is just on the horizon and all I have to do is close the distance between it and me. The problem, according to scientific research on happiness, is that each time we experience success our brain changes the bar for success. In other words, once I achieve a goal, happiness is short-lived as my mind automatically begins to explore what else could be possible. I raise the bar and begin anew, searching for more happiness by being more successful. I read my scriptures five nights a week and the goal becomes to read them seven times a week. I find a job that aligns with my strengths 80% of the time and now I need to find one that aligns 90% or 100%. Run a mile? Now run two. Score high on the GMAT? Could've been higher. If, in my mind, happiness lies just beyond success then I will never get there!

Achor says that if we can raise someone's level of positivity in the present then we increase the likelihood of success. We've got to reverse it. Your brain at positive performs significantly better than your brain at negative, neutral, or stressed. In fact your brain is 31% more productive (this is called the "happiness advantage")! In other words, we've got to flip this equation -- success = happiness -- to this: happiness = success.

So how do you increase your happiness to then yield more success? You've got to rewire your brain. In the talk, Achor suggests several things you can do, all of which are unsurprisingly principles of the Gospel. The one he teaches to businesses he consults with is to do this one simple thing:

Ass-U-Me Nothing

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by Dustin (bio)

My mission president used to say, "When you 'assume,' Elder, you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me.'" (Gasp! He said that?! But ... how?! I thought ...) I suppose when you're El Jefe you can get away with that. Plus, our religion wouldn't be as interesting if we didn't have some of those dichotomies to keep us on our toes: General Authorities at Chuck-a-rama on Sunday!? Bishops watching football games on the Sabbath!? I digress ...

It turns out his saying was more than a trite play on words -- it is the key to successfully working with all people in every situation on planet Earth (and likely beyond), from leading a work group to managing a marriage to navigating the holidays. Don't make assumptions! When you assume someone understands something, you are setting yourself up for failure. And yet this happens all too often and is really probably the root of most of the dysfunction we experience.

For example, I often assume:

-My wife knows what kind of day I had at work.

-My wife will change the poopy diaper.

-My kids knew the rules and proactively broke them.

-That driver knew I was right behind him when he cut me off.

-My coworker knew what I expected of him.

-My employee understood the task I assigned, the date it was due, and what level of effort was expected.

-My seminary kids know exactly how they are supposed to behave and innately have a desire to learn the Gospel and build their testimonies.

This list could go on forever. That's because I make a lot of assumptions. Most of us naturally assume people think like we do, have experienced what we have gone through, and are on the same level spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally, and any other "-ally" you can come up with. In fact, it takes more effort to consciously think the way another may be thinking. We are hardwired this way. And yet, most people are having a completely different experience than us! Assumptions create tension when our expectations aren't fulfilled.

Mormons Like Coldplay

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by Dustin (bio)

Check out this great Swahili cover of Coldplay's "Paradise" by Mormon Tabernacle Choir member Alex Boye, LDS piano guy Jon Schmidt, and Steven Sharp Nelson, who I know nothing about. Takes an already great song to a new level.