Thursday, January 10, 2013

A Brief Twitter History Of The Author - 2011

by brettmerritt (bio)

I contend it's a selfish exercise posting blips and blurbs from Twitter and passing it off as a blog post. Seattle Jon contends that Twitter "by its nature is self-indulgent," which is probably true.

Either way, my tweets are sometimes funny, sad, mean, or nostalgic. They are often inappropriate. The main reason for publishing this trip to tweets of years past is that I hope someone can get a little enjoyment from it.

Here for your reading "pleasure," are my "best" tweets from 2011. You can also read my best tweets from 2009 and 2010.

February
  • Today's Moment of Awesomeness: Hearing my daughter (1st Grade) read to me in French about zoo animals.
  • Was your momma an anesthesiologist? Because, when I look at you, I feel like falling asleep in your arms. #worstpickuplines
  • "Whisper to a Scream" #fartsofthe80s
  • In the Air Tonight #fartsofthe80s
  • Always Something There to Remind Me #fartsofthe80s
  • Tainted Love #fartsofthe80s
  • James Franco is starring on B'way in a musical version of 127 Hours. It's called ... Amputwheee!
  • I want to go back to the day when trolls only lived under bridges and surfaced occasionally to eat people.
  • I tried to walk a mile in your shoes but your feet were too small and I got blisters.
  • "Enter the last sanctum," is what I heard in my dream before I promptly started to pee the bed. Caught myself in the nick of time.
  • Tip: When watching pre-1990 movies, remember that most of the older actors in them are probably dead.
  • Movie pitch: George VI gets sent to investigate a murder at hospital for the criminally insane. "Stutter Island"
March
  • Play It As It Lays Up #Englishmajorbasketballteam
  • The Lords of the Ring #Englishmajorbasketballteam
  • A Clock Shot Orange #Englishmajorbasketballteam
  • All the King James' Men #Englishmajorbasketballteam
  • Last line of my dream: "There must be a reason God doesn't want Alec Baldwin in the Senate."
April
  • Sometimes when I fart it sounds like a toddler is trying to teach himself how to whistle.
  • This is really shallow but don't wear cargo pants and a goatee if you want me to take you seriously about anything.
June
  • You can think whatever you want about me for saying this but ... I'll probably cry when Steve Jobs dies.
  • I'm 0.390625% Cherokee. Think about that before you ask me for a gift. I will probably ask for less than 1% of it back.
  • Just offered the position of instructor for "Defense Against the Dark Arts" at Hogwarts. Looks like another thing I'll have to pray about.
July
  • Between buying a house, selling a house, a new job title, client site launch and the play I'm in opening, I'd say that I'm stupid.
August
  • It's hard for me to express how much I adore reasonable people.
  • Betty White Castle #celebrityrestaurants
  • Little Sid Caesar's #celebrityrestaurants
September
  • I don't know what smells worse: me coming out of a subway restroom or me coming out of a Subway restaurant.
  • I just woke myself with a fart.
  • Losing My High School Religion. R.I.P. R.E.M.
October
  • Thanks, Steve Jobs. You had me at "iPod."
  • KUER in Salt Lake City #DepressingSitcoms
  • RT @FakePewResearch: 45% of scat singers describe the economy as "dee-doo-doop," 32% say "bibbity-bee-bop," and 23% say "zippity zow zow ..."
  • My daughter just asked me what you call a female dog.
  • After attempting "girl," I explained purebred breeding and told her what they call the girl dogs.
  • Her eyes got really big and then she said, "I'll just finish my ice cream."
November
  • Men's fashion tip: Bootcut jeans should only be worn with boots. If you don't wear boots, go with Straight leg fit for similar roominess.
  • If only Natalie Wood had been made out of her last name.
  • Tip to feel sad: Think of a horse standing in an empty field as it rains.
  • When I don't play music in the car, I think about things such as: Putting a Costco in Manhattan would be impractical.
December
  • I always get perestroika and peristalsis confused. I wonder if Pres Reagan ever did.
  • Shorts, t-shirt, flip flops and 17 degrees. We get it. You're stupid.
  • Kim Jong-un has some pretty big glasses to fill.
  • Sometimes we don't see the glass half empty or half full. Sometimes we just see a glass.
  • If life gives you lemons, is there really anything wrong with that? I mean, what, you hate lemons or something?