by Seattle Jon:
Another installment from Saintspeak, the mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.
Paradisical A word that Mormons pronounce a hundred different ways, none of them correct. Just remember the phrase "part of a bicycle" and at least you'll have the rhythm right.
Patriarchal Blessing 1. A private scripture given to young members of the Church so that when they're old they can see whether they were righteous enough for the promises to be fulfilled. 2. The source of the best rumors and folk doctrines in the Church. Rumor had it that Harold B. Lee's patriarchal blessing promised that he would be president of the Church at the Second Coming; it is also rumored that the two prophets who will rise from the dead in jerusalem have already been told who they are in their patriarchal blessings. Everyone in the Church knows someone who knows someone who was told in a patriarchal blessing that they chose their parents in the preexistence.
Patriarchal Order 1. The principle of plural marriage. 2. The only true family pattern, in which the husband and father commands, and his wife and children rnust obey without question, even if the "patriarch" hasn't the foggiest notion of what he's doing. This is necessary because the process of arriving at consensus depends on the heretical notion that two opposing ideas can both have merit at the same time.
Polygamy The family system in which a lustful man surrounds himself with ever younger wives so that none of the older wives ever dares to get too uppity.
Personal Prayer An almost sure home remedy for insomnia.
Public Prayer For most Saints, public prayer means acting as the voice for a whole congregation in speaking to the Lord. To some, however, it is a difficult and sophisticated art form, a multi-part speech in which the speaker is perpetually confused about whether he is talking to the congregation or to God.
Prayerspeak A highly elevated language used in Mormon prayers. It consists of a limited repertoire of incantatory phrases, a mystical vocabulary of long or archaic words that are rarely understood by anyone, and a grammar built around the misuse of the second person singular pronoun.
Priest A junior or senior in high school who says the sacrament prayers, performs baptisms, plays basketball, and is constantly trying not to think about girls.
Priestess A title which has never been used in the Mormon Church, especially not for women who officiated in the temple rites, like Emma Smith, Eliza R. Snow, Bathsheba W. Smith, or Zina Diantha Huntington.
Proof-texting The notion that any group of words that occurs in the scriptures may be used to prove any idea, as long as you quote the words mostly in order, don't leave out a section longer than seven verses, and clearly state that Joseph Smith said it, whether he did or not. It is also recommended, but not required, that the passage you quote have something to do with the idea you are quoting it to prove. After all, if the Lord didn't mean it, he wouldn't have said it.
Provo What the whole world might become if people would only repent.
Seattle Jon is a family man, little league coach, urban farmer and businessman living in Seattle. He currently gets up early with the markets to trade bonds for a living. In his spare time he enjoys movies, thrifting and is an avid reader. He is a graduate of Brigham Young University and the Japan Fukuoka mission field. He has one wife, four kids and three chickens.
Image credit: Signature Books (used with permission).