Thursday, January 9, 2014

Saintspeak 19: The Letter O

by Seattle Jon:

Another installment from Saintspeakthe mormon humor dictionary from Orson Scott Card. Previous installments can be found here. Reproduced with permission from Signature Books.

Oil Normal Saints keep a small bottle of consecrated oil in the medicine cabinet at home. Fervent believers carry one with them always, just in case a miracle is needed. Fanatics use theirs so often they keep running out, and then ask you if they can borrow some of yours. When you admit you don't carry any with you, they look at you with such disappointment that you feel like turning in your temple recommend.

One-Third of the Hosts of Heaven All the spirits in the preexistence who didn't have the guts to try to make it back to heaven without someone forcing them to be righteous. Bishops whose ward members can't seem to get anything done without constant supervision should console themselves that Satan has to work with followers who have even less initiative.

Only True A synonym for my. For example: The only true church = my church. The only true ward = my ward. The only true way of picking cherries on the welfare farm = my way.

Organist During boring parts in sacrament meeting, it is the organists duty to "accidentally" lean on the keyboard or step on a pedal. The startled congregation usually can't get back to sleep for ten or fifteen minutes.

Orthodox Mormon A Latter-day Saint who has twelve children, a garden, a years supply of food and supplies, every book with a General Authorities name on the cover, and a subscription to the Ensign, New Era, and Friend. The orthodox Mormon man has no debts, his wife does not work outside the home, and his house and yard are cleaned up and fixed up. The orthodox Mormon woman has clean, obedient children, a house full of artifacts made on homemaking day, and a perfectly satisfied husband. There is no Mormon product that the orthodox Mormon will not buy, no acquaintance who has not heard about the gospel, and no doctrine or story told in a Church meeting that he or she does not believe. Orthodox Mormons would give up anything, including life itself, for the gospel; and being utterly teachable and meek, they will inherit the earth.

Osmondize To give something such a slick, polished surface appearance that no one will notice there isn't any substance underneath.

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Seattle Jon is a family man, little league coach, urban farmer and businessman living in Seattle. He currently gets up early with the markets to trade bonds for a living. In his spare time he enjoys movies, thrifting and is an avid reader. He is a graduate of Brigham Young University and the Japan Fukuoka mission field. He has one wife, four kids and five chickens.
 photo Line-625_zpse3e49f32.gif Image credit: Signature Books (used with permission).

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